Persuasive Blamers

Persuasive Blamers: (Blamers): Those with life-long personalities of blaming others for all problems, including their own. They most commonly have personality traits associated with the Cluster B Personality Disorders found in the DSM-IV: Borderline, Narcissist, Histrionic, and Antisocial Personality Disorders. They are preoccupied with blaming others and cannot look at their own contribution to their problems. In court, they are often able to persuade others who do not know them—including attorneys, therapists, evaluators and judges—that they are victims of those they blame, even though the opposite may be true. Given the limits on evidence and lack of knowledge of personality disorders, courts often believe them at the beginning of – and sometimes throughout – a court case. Blamers are a subgroup of people with BPD or NPD. Source: http://www.highconflictinstitute.com

Max and I are blamed for EVERYTHING by our lovely friend the Dragon.  Let me outline some examples:

v  She calls the house and screams at Max and won't let him get in a word and finally he ends up hanging up - and he is blamed for not being communicative. 

v  She calls the house and repeatedly bullies him over the phone, screaming at him and dominating the conversation and I end up barking at her in the background and suggesting he hang up - and I am blamed for not minding my own business. 

v  She calls the house and I answer and she immediately yells..."why can't you f*% let Max answer the f'*% phone you b*%".  And somehow I am blamed for being abusive and abrupt when I suggest she give me some respect when she calls my home.

v  Jessie gets pink eye and somehow we are to blame (despite her coming to our home with it) 

v  Jessie goes to the doctors before coming to our home, she is told all she has is a sore throat, she makes no complaints all weekend, goes back to her mom's and over 24 hours later she takes her to the doctor and she is diagnosed with Scarlet Fever - and somehow we are to blame.

v  She harasses me for months and I warn her several times to leave me alone and she persists, and I finally call the police - and somehow I am to blame that she could have been charged and lose her driver’s license 

v  She treats Max, me, our children, and Max and my family with disrespect for years, and she suggests she can’t understand why everyone hates her - we are to blame?

v  I ask her why she hates me so much and she says "because you are not what I expected Max to end up with - you are not blond and young." - I am to blame?? 

v  She over and over causes some ruckus and Max reports it to his lawyer - and her response "stop telling on me, I get in trouble" - Max is to blame for your punishment? 

The list could go on and on and on. No ownership. No accountability. Always the victim. Never at fault. Always blaming.  Pathetic. 

Take a long hard look in the mirror Dragon. You are to blame. 

Diverting Blame

Driving home today, another "mother of the year" moment came to me. It's the ones that affect Jessie so directly that bother me so much. 

This incident came the day the Dragon was served her affidavit and supporting legal documents from Max for an upcoming court session whereby his lawyer was trying once again to settle matters that she refused to settle on.  Immediately she was lashing out and unfortunately put Jessie in the cross fire.   

Within the paperwork there was a lot of concerns presented to the court with regards to Carmen's parenting namely putting Jessie in the middle of adult conflict. There was some notes with regards to some things Jessie has suggested her mother has said about me, including the nick name "Nasty Nicky". A name apparently she uses in front of Jessie repeatedly. 

Max dropped Jessie off shortly after 8p.m. At 8:15pm the phone rings and it is Jessie.  Max spoke briefly with her but than could hear the Dragon in the background saying "Tell Dad I don't call Nic "Nasty Nicky"...that you do". 

Jessie went silent. Than she apprehensively says, "no". Max immediately pipped in to protect Jessie and said to her that she didn’t have to say anything that she knows is not right. She responded, “see Mom, Dad is right”. Max told Jessie he had to go, an attempt to diffuse the situation. 

The phone rings again at 8:57pm from the Den. It was Jessie asking if she could talk to me. Max asked why and she responded that she wanted to say sorry for calling me Nasty Nicky.  He once again told her that she doesn't need to say anything as dad knows the truth. As the phone was again on speaker, Max could hear Carmen in the background saying "you say it Jessie, say it"....repeatedly.  

Max then directed the conversation to Carmen and said "Jessie doesn't need to be involved in this Carmen, this is an adult conversation".  Max said he could hear her mom laughing, almost cackling, in the background. He reassured Jessie that he loved her and told her he needed to go.

I was driving home today, another "Mother of the year" moment came to me. It's the incidents that affect Jessie so directly that bothers me so much.

The episode that came to mind was the day the Dragon was served her affidavit and supporting legal documents from Max for an upcoming court session – another attempt by his lawyer to settle matters that she refused to settle. Immediately she lashed out and unfortunately put Jessie in the cross fire.   

Within the paperwork there were a lot of concerns presented to the court with regards to Carmen's parenting, namely putting Jessie in the middle of adult conflict. There were some notes with regards to some things Jessie has suggested her Mother has said about me, including the nick name "Nasty Nicky", a name apparently she uses in front of Jessie repeatedly. 

Max dropped Jessie off shortly after 8p.m. At 8:15pm the phone rings and it is Jessie.  Max spoke briefly with her but then could hear the Dragon in the background saying "Tell Dad I don't call Nic ‘Nasty Nicky’ that you do". 

Jessie went silent. Then she apprehensively says, "no I don’t Mom". Max immediately interrupted to protect Jessie and said to her that she didn’t have to say anything that she knows is not right. He then told her that he had to go, an attempt to diffuse the situation. 

The phone rings again at 8:57pm from the Den. It was Jessie asking if she could talk to me. Max asked why and she responded that she wanted to say sorry for calling me Nasty Nicky.  He once again told her that she doesn't need to say anything as Dad knows the truth. As the phone was again on speaker, Max could hear Carmen in the background saying "you say it Jessie, say it"....repeatedly.  

Max then directed the conversation to Carmen and said "Jessie doesn't need to be involved in this, this is an adult conversation".  Max said he could hear her mom laughing, almost cackling, in the background. He reassured Jessie that he loved her and told her he needed to go.

It is upsetting that Jessie was not even in the door 5 minutes and her mom is pressuring her in this way. But more so, the way she handled the situation was very immature, and almost bully-like. We know Jessie would not speak those words. If she did, we know where she heard them - her Mother. She is 4 years old. Where would an idea like that come from? Kids are always listening. 

Funny enough, about 2 months prior to this day, Jessie had told me that her Mother called me "Nasty Nicky".  I was so upset that she was name calling me to her 4 year old daughter, teaching her the concept of teasing and bullying, and attempting to alienate me from Jessie, that I called her at work. When I confronted her on the name, she immediately told me "I have been calling you that from the get-go so get over it!"

Than step forward 2 months and she is pressuring her 4 year old daughter to say that it was her that was the name caller. And in typical narcissistic fashion, she denies every calling me that name - ever admitting wrong and diverting blame. 

Does anyone else see the evilness in all this - diverting blame on to your own 4-yar old daughter? Sickens me. 

All Max and I could do in that moment is reassure Jessie that we believed her, taught her the concept of "treat others as you wish to be treated", and went over ways to deal with bullying at school and in other social situations.   We also have never and would never speak poorly about her Mother to Jessie or call her names in her presence.  As much as we despise her miserable self, she is still Jessie's Mother and Jessie deserves that respect. 

That's why writing is so healthy for me. I can get out my frustration without voicing them in front of Jessie. Therapy 

Avoiding reactions, staying in control

Yesterday I had a friend text me to tell me something my step-daughter said at a play date on the weekend. She said that she was talking about the birthday her mom is going to have for her at a hockey game, and that she would like Kayla (my friends daughter) to come. She than quickly followed this up with...please don't tell my mom I told you because she said she would cancel my party if I told anyone about it.

My friend asked me what this was all about. I told her "her mom is a f'up." A complete idiot who does not care what so ever about how she is abusing her own child.

What I so wanted to do this past weekend (when Jessie looked at me with this look of fear when she realized she had told me about her birthday party and she was strongly advised by her mother not to or else) is call that loser up on the phone and tell her exactly how I felt..."you are an abusive immature selfish mother".

But the best advice I learned in counselling is to NOT react, that is what she is looking for, and by reacting, SHE is in control. By ignoring her, I remain in control. Easier said than done but definitely advice to live by, especially when dealing with a narcissistic person like the Dragon.

After I responded to my friend and explained what must have been said in the Dragon Den to lead Jessie to this, she messaged back how sorry she is that I have to deal with this.

I said to her that someone has to be the new wife, and I am strong enough to be her.

But, deep down, I am frustrated with it all. I think my biggest frustration is that she will not change, she will not go away, that the only way to get rid of this source of stress in my life is to walk away from the "relationship" (as they in all the books I have read suggest as an option).  But walking would mean me walking away from the husband I love. And that isn't going to happen.

So, that leaves me to change. That leaves me needing to work on not taking anything she says or does personally. It leaves me being the bigger person and cleaning up the mess she has left after she has tormented her daughter or my husband in one way or another.

And it is me needing to work on my reactions...with the ultimate goal being no reaction at all.

I'm getting there. I am setting up boundaries to help me with that.

For example, I have asked Max to leave the room when he is on the phone with her. Why, well 9 out of 10 times he is on the phone with her, she is ranting and raging at him for one reason or another or denying him access and giving him one excuse or another...and I am in the background listening to her rage through the phone and watching him desperately try to get a word in edge wise. Than I react out of anger and frustration, piping up and giving her a piece of my mind. Funny how she is quick to hear my voice and yell "tell that bitch to shut up" or "Max grow some balls and tell her to shut her mouth", but she can't seem to hear Max talk.

Regardless, when I react she wins and she is in control.

So, for me to remain in control, I need to not react, and to not react, I need boundaries. 

We have also both blocked her from sending text messages to our phones. This is a boundary that has relieved a ton of stress.

One day at a time, one issue after another, one reaction that I have executed when I shouldn't have but to learn from. She will not change, so I will. And that leaves me stronger and better for it.

ER visits = Good Parenting

"I take care of MY kid when she is sick. I'm sorry you have such bad parenting when it comes to YOUR kids ", the Dragon tells Max over the phone as she rants about Jessie's pink eye. 

First of all, Jessie is Max's child too.  So YOUR child is also HIS child, you possessive freak.  Second of all, I am sorry you exercise such bad judgment when it comes to making decisions regarding your child's care. Any reasonable parent knows they should reflect on the situation at hand and decide whether this illness is something that should wait till tomorrow until my doctor can see the child or is this warranting an emergency room visit. Pink eye is not an ER obligation. Not even a doctor's visit requirement unless it persists despite good-old over the counter Polysporin drops. Pretty sure that is why they have created these drops over the counter so that doctors can weed out these unnecessary visits to their office. 

But apparently in the Dragon' world pink eye warrants an ER visit and it makes us BAD parents that we did not consider this. 

The whole weekend we had Jessie we carefully cleaned her eye and used the drops religiously 4x per day. While Max gave her the drops, I held her hand and told her how proud I was of her that she lied so still and how brave she was that she didn't cry.  She was so proud, over and over saying "I am good at this aren't I". 

She asked at one point, "do I need to go to the hospital?" A little girl who has been rushed to the ER or doctors countless times by her Mother for colds, sore throats and coughs, she is accustomed to be hurried off every time she has a sniffle. 

We told her that her eye looked better but if in a couple days it looks like it is worse, than we will call the doctor. She was pleased as she jumps up and says “good I don't want to go to the doctors!!!" 

Well sorry my dear, as soon as you are back in the Dragon Den your hypochondriac unreasonable Mother will rush you off, leaving you waiting in the waiting room for something that requires over the counter medications. 

Just as was the case the day Jessie came to our home that weekend. Her Mother booked an appointment with her doctor because Jessie had a sore throat. What did the doctor say? She has a sore throat, give her some lozenges.  Was that worth the 25 minute drive to the doctors? 

So, are we bad parents? I would like to think not. We use judgment and try to make reasonable decisions regarding our children's care. When they are sick, we pamper and console them. When they receive medications, we encourage them and tell them how proud we are of them. We don't increase their anxiety by rushing them to the doctor each time they are sick.  But if this is all wrong, than yes, you can say we are bad parents, and I am okay with that as I am doing what I think it right.

Here are some links and information on the necessity of ER/doctor's visits. I just did a quick Google search because she had me questioning my rationale. Appears I may be sane after all. 

http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/aches/emergency_room.html#

http://www.parents.com/baby/injuries/first-aid/bringing-children-to-the-hospital/

Threatening your own young

How pathetic is it that a grown woman feels the need to bribe her own daughter.

Here is the situation:  Jessie says to Max and I yesterday that she is going to have a birthday party at the hockey game, in the box. She than goes on to say "but don't tell my mom I told you. She said if I tell Dad, Nic or Caden, my birthday party will be cancelled".

The look on her face was startling, like this distressed look that she shouldn't have said anything, she may now face the consequences.  I held her face in my hands and looked her in the eye and promised her that I would not tell her mom that we know.

Next day, Max's mom comes by in the morning. Jessie blurts out "Grandma, you are invited to my birthday party but don't tell my mom, or she will cancel my birthday". Max’s mom looks at me with this bewilderment but you knew she knew this had something to do with the Dragon’s pathetic games.

The next day a friend text me to tell me something Jessie said at the girls play date. She said Jessie was talking about the birthday her mom is going to have for her at a hockey game, and that she would like Kayla (my friend’s daughter) to come, but” please don't tell my mom I told you because she said she would cancel my party if I told anyone about it.”

My friend asked me what this was all about.  I explained what seemed to have transpired. My friend was disgusted as were we when we first heard how Jessie was being coerced by her Mother. Her message back to me was how sorry she is that Max and I have to deal with this.  I said to her that someone has to be the new wife, and I am strong enough to be her!

But more importantly, what weight a little girl has to bear on her shoulders. Again Dragon I will grant you another vote for Mother of the year. You are a sure win.

So what do you do? Well sure don't call the Dragon out on it because you know for a fact she will deny and then have Jessie in trouble. So you just do your best to be the best parent and step-parent to her. Comfort her, reassure her, love her, respect her - as it is apparent that all of these things are lacking in her Mother's home.

Always a Come Back

Max and I find out from a mutual friend that the rumor that Carmen had broken up with her woman partner is true, and she is apparently dating a man. And to top it off his name is Max.

Max drops off Jessie at the Dragon Den after his visit. Jessie goes inside and Carmen stays on the porch, smoking her cigarette, as she hands Max another box of Girl Guide cookies. He used this moment to poke at the big bear about her new relationship.  He says "so this new friend of yours, would it be okay for me to send him some harassing text messages as you did my partner?"  

An immediate come back from the Dragon. It is truly astounding how quick her head fathoms up outrageous fabrications. She should be a politician.

"If he gets involved like she did than you have every right to".

By that I am guessing you mean my supposed control you feel I have over Max and his legal decisions regarding access to Jessie. Yes you have made that clear that you believe I am the cornerstone of every decision Max has made. Apparently you think because you controlled him your whole marriage that there is no way that Max actually may have his own voice. It must be that new girl. No way would he not obey my every command. She must be telling him otherwise.

So let’s examine this little closer Dragon. What you are suggesting is that you had every right to harass me from day one because I deserved it and that you feel justified to have done so as she "got involved". Let’s examine the history here:

Facts:

• I did not know you before I met Max. I have had no encounters with you in my life.
• The very first text message I received from you my Dragon friend on my cell phone came 1 week after Max and I met. Another 3 came within that week. All these messages I ignored. The messages from you continued for 8 months before I contacted my cell phone provider to have you blocked. 
• The very first friend request on Facebook I got from you came just before this first text message. I deleted it. 
• The Facebook wall posts you so eagerly posted on your wall about me came in the days after I ignored your attempts at intimidation. 
• The Facebook message and friend request that you was sent to my ex-husband was sent soon after. Again, ignored by both me and my ex-husband. However, he did question your sanity.
• The phone calls to my house came in the first couple weeks. You hung up each time. Were you hoping to hear my voice?

So in essence, I managed to maintain my poise in the face of all your harassment and ignored your attempts at intimidation. So I am gathering you are not referring to any of the above when you are suggesting I “got involved”?

Max didn't contact a lawyer more than 6 months after him and I met. Now, then let's speculate as you have my Dragon friend that I did strong arm Max into calling a lawyer at this point, controlling him into obeying my every command as you did throughout your relationship. Now, are you able to explain to me than how you justify the harassment in the first few weeks?

Are you following me?

Then let’s look at this "I got involved" a little closer. Why would it be of any interest to me how often Max was able to see Jessie? Would it not be of more interest to me for him to NOT have Jessie much given we were in the infancy of our relationship? Wouldn't I want him all to myself? Not to mention I have my own young boy. Would it not be of more interest to me to have Max less distracted by Jessie so he can devout more time to Caden?

Again, are you following me?

Now let’s go back to the conversation between Max and Dragon on the door step. Max than goes on to say..."it is okay than for me to call this new guy a ‘ho’ from the start?" 

Of course, she had another immediate comeback. "I didn't call her ho from the get go...that name only came after she broke up with you than got herself pregnant".

Lets' take another close examination at this alleged start of the name calling Dragon. First of all, Max broke up with me (see Ho, Ho, Ho I am back). Second of all, thank you once again for deeming me such a miracle worker in being able to precisely predict my ovulation schedule and trap Max (see Me the Miracle Worker) Maybe in your world Dragon people "trap" man, but in mine, these things do not enter one’s mind.

Max replies "no, it started right from the beginning". Her once again quick comeback..."Well she was only living here for 2 years and she slept with 10 guys in this town. It was the community that called her ho." 

10 guys! She keeps upping her number each time she rants to anyone who will listen about my relationship history. Next time the story is told I will be the town prostitute in her sick world.  And I have a hard time understanding what relevance my relationship history is to you Dragon.

I am not sure you are in any position to criticize.  Let’s recall your relationship history. You met another woman. You began a marital affair that continued for a year. This woman you brought into your marital home unbeknownst to Max that you were in a relationship with her. You announced your affair and that the marriage is done to Max on Christmas Eve of all nights. You continue your relationship with this woman, bringing her into your marital home with Max present despite his pleas otherwise. You go to such an extent as to have her sleepover in your bed, stating "this is my home too". Wow, the empathy you exhibit is profound.

The mistakes I have made in my adult life have hurt me and only me, so I am not sure why they are of any significance to you.  Your behavior however has left a path of destruction that has left you unharmed and everyone around you wounded. I can hold my head of high despite the mistakes I have made as I know that one, I've hurt only me in the process and two, I can admit when I am wrong and not have an excuse for every mistake I have made.   And I try my best to amend any mistakes I have made. 

Can you Dragon admit wrong and make amends?

I am sure you will have a comeback or some lame excuse. You always do.

That is what separates decent humans from Dragons. 

Count your Blessings

I have been through separation. I know how emotional it can be. I had to grapple with the reality that my ex-husband had a new partner and she will now be part of Caden's life.   But the difference between me and how the Dragon have handled post-separation is my ability to rationalize and empathize, two things she is incapable of doing. She also harbors so much resentment and a toxic need for control, clouding her ability to see things in any other way but hers. 

After 8 months of Max and I dating, he asked if Caden and I would like to come with him to watch Jessie`s gymnastics. I was pleased to be invited, and Caden was super excited to go watch. However when Dragon got wind of me going she was not so pleased. The minute she spotted me she gave Max a mouth full and stormed out of the building. Immediately the text messages to me flooded in:

u just had to come didn’t u. Wanted jessie 2 see us together...f** nerve

stop gettn in between our parentin...b the big one and back off would ya

Let max and i work this out our way...shut ur mouth skunk.

I can understand that it is difficult to accept a new person into your child`s life. But in no way is it acceptable to make such a scene in front of your daughter and attempt to intimate the person with unwarranted text messages. But again, here I am trying to understand one`s rationality when there is no rationality. The rest of the day text messages came flooding in to Max:

I want peace...and don’t feel comfortable with the ho around. Sorry she started it.

Started what? Remind me again what it is I started? Because last I checked you have been harassing me from day 9 of dating max? And last I checked I have not responded once to your rage

Max suggested that she needed to get used to it all eventually and her response: i will NEVER get used to it.

She has stuck to those words for sure!

A few weeks later I get another flood of text message from Dragon after she was all irate with Max that he didn`t take Jessie to the emergency room when she carefully instructed him to – for the cold she had.  Apparently she thought I had something to do with that decision. She went on a rant about how I needed to mind my own business and butt out of the parenting of Jessie. She made it very clear that day that she possessed Jessie and would do everything in her power to seclude me:  U can have Max, he is leftovers, but jessie she is mine AND WILL NEVER BE URS GIRAFFE NECK

Once again, your clever use of animal analogies is quite comical, from ho to skunk to giraffe. What will be next?  

All this turmoil created by Dragon has made me really think about Caden and what it is I want for him. I have been asked how I have been so accepting of my ex-husbands new partner.  What is important to me when it comes to my son Caden is that he is happy. His Dad’s new partner is good to him and cares for him, something my ex has promised to me. I am able to count my blessings and see what matters. I have enough security in my parenting and faith in my love and relationship with Caden that I do not fear her replacing me in any fashion. She will only further enrich Caden’s already enriched life. For that, I am thankful for.

It became very clear to me early on that the Dragon looked at Jessie as her possession that she had anxiety over sharing and that she would do anything and everything to prevent me from having a relationship with her. It was also evident that she was insecure about my involvement and how Jessie may grow close to me.

Apparently Carmen is unaware of the unconditional love children have for their parents. She also fails to see how enriched Jessie is having me and Caden and now Blair in her life. 

Being off on maternity leave for a year I have watched a few Dr. Phil and Intervention episodes! Some of these people who struggle with drug and alcohol abuse have come from families where the father has in essence replaced the child or children with the new wife, leaving the children unloved and uncared for. Or, there have been situations where the step Mother or step father has abused the child or children – emotionally, physically and even sexually.

Jessie has been truly blessed having met my family. They have accepted her and welcomed her as their own, treated her with respect and love and dignity.  I and my family do everything we can to make her feel accepted and supported. We do our best to shelter her from any adult issues namely those that arise from the conflict her Mother creates. Never once have we spoken poorly about her Mother. I know my place in parenting Jessie as I myself know what I expect of my ex-husband’s new partner. 

She is truly a lucky little girl. I know because I know how blessed I feel my own child is that my ex-husband met a woman that cares for Caden as I do Jessie. That comforts me.

I will never be able to convince Dragon that I am a decent person who truly cares and loves Jessie and would never hurt her. I will never convince her that I have no intent to replace her, as she is and always will be Jessie’s Mother and that I can only help enrich Jessie’s life.

It is Dragon that needs to see what is truly important here. She needs to count her blessings. However I am not sure she is capable of such.

Ho Ho Ho: I am back!

"A narcissist will often expect others to fit in with their plan.  The narcissist reacts badly when any aspect of his/her freedom is threatened or when his/her plans are thwarted... When a narcissist is interrupted, confronted or contradicted, he or she may suddenly develop narcissistic rage…" 

Oh boy have I seen the rage. How dare I ruin her plan! 

In December 2010 my life as I thought I knew it was turned upside down once again.

Max was flying out to Alberta to return to work. I send him a text asking that he give me a call when he arrives. I don't get a return call. Later that evening I get an email from him. I couldn't believe what I was reading. He wants to break up, that he needs time to think, has too much on his mind etc. I fell to the ground, emotionally distraught, confused, immediately feeling lonely and lost. Where did this come from?

I struggled for weeks trying to understand why he did this. Where did this come from as I did not see this coming? I fished for answers from his mom and brother. They too were confused by it all, but they reassured me that all would be okay, as did my family. What's meant to be will be. But emotionally I was destroyed.

Stepping ahead weeks later I finally get the answer. She had asked him back. When he was home from working out West in late November, she asks to talk to him. Apparently she claimed she made a mistake and she wanted him back, and that Beth would be "kicked to the curb if you took me back". She went on about how she would do better at being a wife. And she used the Jessie card of course “she needs us to be together”.

Anyone that knows Max knows he is a family man. He would do anything to save his family even if that meant living a life of misery.

I couldn't believe that he was even considering it. After all the turmoil she has creating in trying to sabotage our relationship, all the refusals for him to see Jessie - using her as a pawn to get her revenge against me and him and our relationship.  Not to mention her affair and how she flaunted it in his face by having her lover over to the home while he was there, having her sleep in the room next to his. Has he gone crazy?

After a couple weeks, I get a phone call from Max. He wanted to talk. He said he felt so torn. He loved me so much, but he felt he needed to save his marriage. He broke down in tears. I told him I would be right over.

We sat down that afternoon and I told him that as a "friend" I felt obligated to guide him. I suggested he really needed to think long and hard about what he wants and why he would go back to Carmen. In my head I was thinking this guy is crazy if he goes back to her. But I tried to remain as neutral as I could and helped guide him through a thought process.

I grabbed a piece of paper and at the top I wrote on the left side "what I love about her" and the right side "what I despise about her". I drew a line down the middle of the page.

"Let's start with what you love about her" I said.  He sat there staring blankly at me. "Jessie" he said. I clarified for him..."you love being a family"; "you would miss spending time daily with Jessie".  He nodded, "and I worry that she will refuse for me to see her, that she will take her away from me" he added.

"Ok, what else do you love about her?" I probed.  Again after a couple minutes he added "hanging out with her family".  Again I clarified, "you love belonging to a family and you feel you get along well with her family". Again he nodded.

I than asked, what it is he loved specifically about Carmen and his life with her. Several minutes later he could not give an example. "All I can think about is what I don't like about her".

I suggested we move to that column. He belted out his list of dislikes. The list went on.

At the end of the exercise I asked him what he saw. "Not much I like about her eh?" We laughed. I added, "I also see that what you do like about her has nothing to do with her specifically, it is about the element of family".

I than told him what my sister said to me when I was coming to a cross road in my former relationship. She reminded me that Caden was young and that he needs me now. But in 10 years from now when he is independent and is out with his friends and he doesn't "need" me as much and isn't around as much, how did that make me feel? I thought for a few minutes and replied..."very lonely".  

I suggested that Max think long and hard about WHY he would be going back to Carmen and if he did, what he would need to make the relationship healthier and do you think she is capable of that? And in 10 years, when Jessie is grown and more independent, how do you imagine you will be feeling?

I left and told him to not be in contact with me, that he had some thinking to do.

A week passes and I get a text from Max. I miss you. Can we talk? He had made up his mind. He knew who he wanted to be with - and that person was me.

We decided to keep our relationship quiet so not to stir the Dragon. For the next two weeks that he was home from the West we snuck around like two little school kids.  Till one day we were caught by one of many of the Dragon's puppets - her sister.

I stayed the night at Max's, my car in his driveway. Apparently Dragon's sister was on her way to work and immediately text Carmen to tell her that my car was there.

He instantaneously got a text from Dragon. Apparently she felt it was her business to know if we were back to together. She adds to her text "Nicole will NEVER be part of Jessie's life...I will do what I can to keep her away". 

That day Dragon decides to let her Facebook world know that I was back in the picture.

Her post: just when I thought Christmas was done........nope HO HO is back......lol

This was just another example of the Dragon’s maturity.  But I will admit, clever. It made me laugh. 

As an aside, I later find out from a friend that she has a friend that works with the Dragon. Apparently she walks around her place of work calling me "Ho", so much, that she had no idea what my true name was. Again, this is coming from a 30 year old woman.

As she promised that day in her text to max, she has tried to keep me away and shelter me from Jessie's life. She has denied me the ability to pick up Jessie from school or her home; she has freaked out on Max if she finds out I had Jessie in my care while he goes off to a meeting for an hour; she as invited Caden and Max to Jessie's birthday party but not Blair or myself as "she is not welcome"; she has told Max after Jessie goes to a hockey game that she wouldn't have allowed her to go if she knew "ho was going"; she has told Jessie I am mean. The list goes on. These attempts at alienation are her way of getting her revenge and her means of living out her anger and jealousy. It is toxic but it is pure Dragon.

Looking back now, I understand why she hates me so much. I have what she wanted back.  She even said to Max the day they spoke that she knew of others girls in town that left and their husband's take them back. She thought she could test the waters and if she wasn't happy with it all, he would take her back. And had I not entered into the picture, I believe he would have. She has always had control over him and she knew he would take her back. But I barred that from happening.  I was an obstacle in her way.

Well from that day forward her hate for me only grew. No one crosses the Dragon. She herself has said “I never lose”. She loves control and loves and needs things to be HER way. And I took from her what she thought she could so easily get back. She lost some of her control and she would make me pay. 

Karma is a bitch isn’t it Dragon. You got a piece of your Karma...enjoy. 

How a 5 year old puts a smile on an adult face

It is really hard to sit back and watch your loved one be tortured emotionally.  I have witnessed so many tearful moments with Max and each and every time my heart breaks. The one day that strikes me the most was the day that not only my heart broke, but Caden's too.

Max had presented an Offer to Settle to Dragon through his lawyer to hers. It was an attempt to settle outstanding matters related to regular and holiday access and child and spousal support. She had over 2-months to review and send back with feedback to initiate further negotiation. With only a few days left till the offer was due to expiry, Max called on Dragon to see if she had reviewed yet. She claims her lawyer did not provide her with a copy. Tall tale I believe, she just wanted to ignore it and hope it went away. If there is an agreement she is not 100% in control, and we all know Dragon's with NPD need FULL control.

Max brought her over a copy for her review and said he would call her in a couple days. And that he did.

I was sitting in the sun room with Caden watching a movie. Max said he was going to be calling Dragon about the Offer and I wanted to be as far away as possible. Rarely is there a conversation whereby she is not spewing out her venom at him, yelling and not allowing for him to get a word in. Max will hold the phone away from his ear, and I can hear her so vividly it sends shivers up my spine. She is so rude, condescending and controlling. Listening to her toxicity is exhausting.  If I don't leave the room I feel the need to defend Max and suggest to him he hang up as he is not deserving of being treated the way she treats him, or worse yet, blurt out in the background a bit of what I think of her. I am sure you can imagine what I would like to say!

Curled up on the couch watching a movie with Caden, I could hear some commotion from the living room so decided to check in on Max.  I stand around the corner. That is my tactic that keeps me far enough away from the toxicity that I feel composed and in control of my temptation to yell out...you B**.

I can hear Max requesting for her to allow him to speak, over and over he asks. Have you ever tried to speak with someone that doesn't allow for you to get a word in? How frustrating. Now imagine every conversation you have with that person like that. That is how Dragon is with Max. I can hear him utter words like “it is just a beginning, come back to me with your suggestions”;  “you are giving me a headache”; “I am going to hang up if you do not let me speak”; “why are you making this so difficult”…

Max finally hangs up, slamming the phone down. I ask him what is going on. He breaks down into tears. Between his sobs he says that she thinks the offer is ridiculous and she has no plan to counter offer. I could feel his frustration as the opportunity to bring things to closure dissipated before his eyes.

Unbeknownst to me, Caden was lurking behind the door listening to us talk.  I suggest to Max that he goes out for a walk to get some fresh air.  Max walks by Caden, his eyes red and tears falling down his face. He goes outside.

"Why is Max crying mom" Caden asks. The look of concern on this 5 year old boys face was enough to bring me to tears. I tell him that it is an adult issue; that something has made Max sad but he will be okay.

To distract Caden from the situation I suggest that we do some crafts. Max in the meantime returns from his walk and decided to lie down in our bed upstairs.

After Caden finished his first craft he says to me "I want to give this to Max, to cheer him up". He brings it upstairs to him and comes back down to the kitchen table ready to make another. This one too he wanted to bring up to Max; and the next; and the next.

Max hung each of those pictures up in the garage. He was honored by Caden's attempts to cheer him up. It warmed his heart.

Those pictures are still hanging up in the garage. Each time I walk past them into the house I think of that day. I think of how frustrated and disappointed and disheartened Max was. How desperate he was to have closure on all his legal matters and how the Dragon refused to negotiate. How frustrated he was to sit on the phone and have Dragon yell at him in her condescending tone, not allowing for him to speak. How drained of energy he was at the months of failed attempts to negotiate a settlement. And, how confused and concerned Caden was and how desperate he was to put a smile on Max's face.

This is not the first time nor the last that Caden has witnessed tears on mine or Max’s face as a result of the turmoil that she created. But this day stands out to me as it was a day that I was very truly worried about Max's wellbeing. Later that day Max experienced chest tightness. It happens periodically. That is what stress can do to someone.

I still struggle to understand why something so simple has taken so long to settle. It is approaching 2 years and over $20,000 since Max consulted a lawyer about helping him with a Separation Agreement. It took me and my ex 3 months and less than $1500. We sat down amicably and negotiated. We each made sacrifices. We are not talking life or death decisions here. We are talking about time with a child and decisions on support payments. It is pretty simple if you ask me.

But when control, manipulation, greed, resentment, and anger cloud your judgment and your ability to reason and empathize, something so easy can become so difficult. When trying to negotiate with someone with NPD, you either give up or succumb to their dictations OR you are in for some major headaches along an emotionally exhausting road to reach some agreement.  As someone with NPD will fight tooth and nail to get what they want on their terms so they can maintain control.

Those that know you know the truth

I was out for dinner recently for my sister's birthday. I had a friend say to me..."I don't know what this is worth, but I give you a ton of credit. I am not sure if I could handle your situation."

I said thank you. But then qualify that with my admittance that I have reacted to her drama a handful of times and do have my regrets. She than added..."we are only human. You have done a better job at dealing with her than most people would".

I don't think she knows how much that meant to me. I felt some weight lifted off my shoulders that day. I do worry about whether people believe the fabrications she says about me and Max and that they don't recognize that we are the victims of her manipulative deceptive ways. I also focus so much on the times I have failed by reacting to her and how these overshadow the hundreds of times I have not and maintained my composure.

She reminded me of all that I have had to burden and really how well I am trying to cope. She reminded me that it is people's opinion like hers’ that matter.

I have always struggled with worrying about what others think of me or are saying about me. There is a reason for everything, and I think at the end of all this I will reach a point where I am so comfortable in my skin that I don't worry about what the Dragon says and who may believe the toxic venom that comes from her mouth. I know the truth and the people that know and love me do too. Everyone else is not worth it because they have made assumptions and have not taken the time to understand the full truth. I can than apply this new found strength to all areas of my life. 

Wonder if the Dragon knows how much dealing with her wealth of weaknesses is helping me become a stronger person? 

Me the Miracle Worker

Did you know that only 15% of women get pregnant in the first three months of trying to get pregnant?  A doctor told me that.

Apparently I trapped Max according to the Dragon. I am amazed with my ability to defy all odds and plan a pregnancy to trap a man who is still married to a psychotic woman who is trying to rake him over the coals in court and continues to control and manipulate him. That sounds so tempting please sign me up.

Apparently I was able to carefully predict my fertile days, arrange for Max to be home from working out West preciously on those days, plan unprotected sex, carefully instruct his sperm to find and fertilize my eggs, than judiciously indoctrinate the fertilized egg to implant itself into my uterine wall AND stay implanted.  I am truly amazing.

I was out with some friends at a local bar sipping on water. I was standing in a group of five people when suddenly I was shoved from behind by Beth, the Dragon’s puppet. Two minutes later the puppet shoves her way through my group of friends and stands in my face saying “is that a baby bump or is it just me”. It took some convincing of two of the men standing with me to not grab her and take her outside and beat the $#! out of her.

At 2a.m. Max gets a phone call. It is the Dragon. Pretty sure can guess why she is calling. She is likely drunk and in one of her narcissistic rages. The next morning the texts to Max flood in.

“Just waiting for u to tell me that you are having a baby, no one is surprised. Trapped”

“Not good timing, why was someone on the clock? Trapped”

First off, didn’t realize that Max was responsible for informing his psychotic ex-wife, whom he has been separated from for now 16 months – the ex-wife whom had an affair with another woman and who has purchased a new home with. Second of all, I see once again you are behaving in an immature irrational manner.

At the arena that morning after watching Jessie swim, Dragon comes up to me, standing a foot away from my face, and says in front of Jessie and Caden, “trapped him...” Then she turns to Max and says...“good timing Max, you’ve been trapped. I left you 500 condoms, why didn’t you use them”...

Classy! You never fail to amaze me Dragon, once again demonstrating how trailer trash-like you are. What a good example you are to Jessie.

Well apparently the trapping story wasn’t bogus enough. The story than became that this baby I was carrying was not Max’s baby at all. That apparently I slept with so many other men, who know whose baby it is. I like this one even better. The joke amongst my family and friends became: I wonder if the baby will come out black. Did you know there truly is a small chance that this could happen?

Well good thing Blair came out looking exactly like Max, otherwise perhaps this bogus story of hers would have stuck.

I am guessing she has now gone back to her trapping conspiracy theory. Once again proving how amazing I am to defy all odds.

Dragon decided to inform everyone in her place of work that I was pregnant and post a Facebook message on her wall about our pregnancy. I would like to thank you Dragon for taking upon yourself to let everyone know about the news of my pregnancy.  Perhaps I should inform anyone and everyone about your infidelity?

People with NPD will do everything in their power to look good, to look like the better person - even if that means making up spurious stories and spreading them widely. I had what Dragon gave up and still wanted. Jealously and resentment are toxic emotions that can cloud judgment. Top that off with being a narcissist, this likens to all reasoning and moral codes going out the window.  This fully explains the irrationality. 

I let her bogus stories irritate me. I worried about who would believe them. We live in a small town, and I am a working professional in this town. How many people have heard her stories?   But in the end, anyone that knows her, associated with her and believes any of the defamations that come out of her toxic mouth is really not worth my energy anyway. They belong in the same trailer trash pile as she does. The people that know and love me know the truth. That is all that matters.