It is
really hard to sit back and watch your loved one be tortured emotionally.
I have witnessed so many tearful moments with Max and each and every time
my heart breaks. The one day that strikes me the most was the day that not only
my heart broke, but Caden's too.
Max had
presented an Offer to Settle to Dragon through his lawyer to hers. It was an
attempt to settle outstanding matters related to regular and holiday access and
child and spousal support. She had over 2-months to review and send back with
feedback to initiate further negotiation. With only a few days left till the
offer was due to expiry, Max called on Dragon to see if she had reviewed yet.
She claims her lawyer did not provide her with a copy. Tall tale I believe, she
just wanted to ignore it and hope it went away. If there is an agreement she is
not 100% in control, and we all know Dragon's with NPD need FULL control.
Max
brought her over a copy for her review and said he would call her in a couple
days. And that he did.
I was
sitting in the sun room with Caden watching a movie. Max said he was going to
be calling Dragon about the Offer and I wanted to be as far away as possible.
Rarely is there a conversation whereby she is not spewing out her venom at him,
yelling and not allowing for him to get a word in. Max will hold the phone away
from his ear, and I can hear her so vividly it sends shivers up my spine. She
is so rude, condescending and controlling. Listening to her toxicity is exhausting.
If I don't leave the room I feel the need to defend Max and suggest to
him he hang up as he is not deserving of being treated the way she treats him, or
worse yet, blurt out in the background a bit of what I think of her. I am sure
you can imagine what I would like to say!
Curled up
on the couch watching a movie with Caden, I could hear some commotion from
the living room so decided to check in on Max. I stand around the corner.
That is my tactic that keeps me far enough away from the toxicity that I feel
composed and in control of my temptation to yell out...you B**.
I can
hear Max requesting for her to allow him to speak, over and over he asks. Have
you ever tried to speak with someone that doesn't allow for you to get a word
in? How frustrating. Now imagine every conversation you have with that person
like that. That is how Dragon is with Max. I can hear him utter words like “it
is just a beginning, come back to me with your suggestions”; “you are giving me a headache”; “I am going to
hang up if you do not let me speak”; “why are you making this so difficult”…
Max
finally hangs up, slamming the phone down. I ask him what is going on. He breaks
down into tears. Between his sobs he says that she thinks the offer
is ridiculous and she has no plan to counter offer. I could feel his
frustration as the opportunity to bring things to closure
dissipated before his eyes.
Unbeknownst
to me, Caden was lurking behind the door listening to us talk. I suggest
to Max that he goes out for a walk to get some fresh air. Max walks by
Caden, his eyes red and tears falling down his face. He goes outside.
"Why
is Max crying mom" Caden asks. The look of concern on this 5 year old boys
face was enough to bring me to tears. I tell him that it is an adult issue; that
something has made Max sad but he will be okay.
To
distract Caden from the situation I suggest that we do some crafts. Max in the
meantime returns from his walk and decided to lie down in our bed upstairs.
After
Caden finished his first craft he says to me "I want to give this to Max,
to cheer him up". He brings it upstairs to him and comes back down to the
kitchen table ready to make another. This one too he wanted to bring up to Max;
and the next; and the next.
Max hung
each of those pictures up in the garage. He was honored by Caden's
attempts to cheer him up. It warmed his heart.
Those
pictures are still hanging up in the garage. Each time I walk past them into
the house I think of that day. I think of how frustrated and disappointed and
disheartened Max was. How desperate he was to have closure on all his legal
matters and how the Dragon refused to negotiate. How frustrated he was to sit
on the phone and have Dragon yell at him in her condescending tone,
not allowing for him to speak. How drained of energy he was at the months of
failed attempts to negotiate a settlement. And, how confused and concerned
Caden was and how desperate he was to put a smile on Max's face.
This is
not the first time nor the last that Caden has witnessed tears on mine or Max’s
face as a result of the turmoil that she created. But this day stands out to me
as it was a day that I was very truly worried about Max's wellbeing. Later that
day Max experienced chest tightness. It happens periodically. That is what
stress can do to someone.
I still
struggle to understand why something so simple has taken so long to settle. It
is approaching 2 years and over $20,000 since Max consulted a lawyer about
helping him with a Separation Agreement. It took me and my ex 3 months and less
than $1500. We sat down amicably and negotiated. We each made sacrifices. We
are not talking life or death decisions here. We are talking about time with a
child and decisions on support payments. It is pretty simple if you ask me.
But when
control, manipulation, greed, resentment, and anger cloud your judgment and
your ability to reason and empathize, something so easy can become so
difficult. When trying to negotiate with someone with NPD, you either give up
or succumb to their dictations OR you are in for some major headaches
along an emotionally exhausting road to reach some agreement. As someone with NPD will fight tooth and nail
to get what they want on their terms so they can maintain control.
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