About the Dragon Diaries

Dragon is the name I use for my husband’s ex-wife. Not a name I use openly with anyone other than my husband and my close family and select friends.  But when you are as vicious, manipulative and cruel as she is, calling her by her true name is unbecoming.

What is a Dragon: a mythical monster like a giant reptile. In European tradition the dragon is typically fire-breathing and tends to symbolize chaos or evil. In relation to describing a human: “offensive”, a fierce and intimidating person, especially a woman. Source: http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/dragon

This is quite a fitting description to say the least. So instinctively I must have known that behind that human mask, that person she calls “Carmen”, is a Dragon. She is fierce, raging at times. Tries her best to intimidate and control any person that crosses her path that does not abide by her every rule. She is offensive in every word and action she ploys. She is evil to the bone. The resulting chaos she leaves behind her is so destructive it is almost implausible.

Than months later after experiencing the fierceness of the Dragon and questioning how a human being can actually act this way, I came across a description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I gasped, shook my head in astonishment. 

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): symptoms include taking advantage of others to reach their own goals; become jealous very easily; lack empathy and disregard feelings of others; unable to consider the viewpoints of others; pursue mainly selfish goals; need constant attention and positive reinforcement from others; and are overly sensitive to criticism, judgment, and defeat; never admit wrong doing; mood swings; envy and exploitation are key characteristics. 

Are they describing HER? Could this be why she is the way she is? I am not a doctor, but any NPD description I read is so fitting to her chaotic and inhumane-like characteristics it is disturbing. The saddest part of it all, the prognosis: she won’t EVER change. These people need to see they have a problem and want to change. Well this Dragon, like others with NPD, believes she does no wrong. She thinks everyone around her is the problem. So, she and her Dragoness personality are here to stay. So know what? I have an understanding of who she is and why, but how do we handle her?

She isn’t going away. She will never change. I guess that leaves me needing to learn to cope. Please, Lord help me!

How did I get myself entangled in this mess? Well as the saying goes: God won’t give you any more than you can handle. Someone had to be the new wife. Someone had to be strong enough to deal with her drama and the turmoil she creates. And that person is me. Lovely.

Funny enough, I was warned not to enter into a relationship with my now husband by countless people. Not because of him, as wonderful as he is, but because of her – “she is psychotic; she is controlling; she will make your life miserable” – comments I would hear.  She is his baggage. All separated and divorced men carry baggage. But baggage that encompasses a narcissist carries weight that can break you. 

So from the get go, before entering into a relationship that carries such heavy baggage, I had two choices:

1) Run and run fast! This is the easier and much smarter of the two options, as hard as it may be to say good-bye to the one you love

2) Stay and endure life-long drama associated with the NPD ex

In choosing the later, I was than presented with a second cross road:  

1) React to her need for control, her manipulative moves, her “poor me” attitude and her grandiose sense of entitlement; somehow think you can reason with her or at least rationalize what she has said or done. The result: drained of all my energy and thus falling victim to her and her in control;  

2) Ignore her. Recognize her for who she is and what she is incapable of: rationalization, moral consciousness and empathy. There is no rationalizing or reasoning with her so spend no energy trying. And by not reacting to her, I am left in control and empowered. I am victorious.

So, this is my journey. It has been rocky to say the least. My challenge is to reach a point in my head and heart that I am not shaken by her and the hurtful things she does and says. To see her words and actions for what they are – unfiltered behaviours from a person who is incapable of rationality and empathy; a sorry case of a person who needs to control anyone and everyone, including her own innocent 4 year old daughter, in an attempt to deal with her insecurities.  To accept that she is a person who is incapable of walking in another person's shoes. To recognize her as a person who believes she does no wrong and that it is everyone around her that is; and when she reflects blame, to not take to heart any of her accusations. To not become frustrated with her constant attempts to defy all written and unwritten rules as she is a person who believes she lives above the law and who ignores any moral codes.

My ambition is to realize that she will never change. And to see that is me that needs to learn to not react or care and that what I cannot control is her idiocy. To learn to rise above, be the bigger person. And embellish in all I have been blessed with. To remember the Serenity Prayer and all it teaches. To choose option 2: Ignore her. And as a result, live in peace.

My goal of my writings is two-fold:

Help myself. Writing heals. Studies have shown that people that write about their experiences feel better overall. Journaling helps us understand what’s really going on inside of us, so we can get past all the baggage that we’ve been carrying around and experience our healthy self.

Help others. To help others recognize that they are not alone. The Dragon is so convincing, so much that she could convince you that the ice she holds in her hand is not melting. She twists the truth, she never admits wrong, always has an excuse or an answer for everything and is sly at turning things around onto you. In turn, I have reached points where I wondered if perhaps I was the crazy one.  Reading books on narcissism helped me recognize NPD traits and how to cope. It helped me feel not alone and to feel understood. I want to share what I have gone through, and what I have learned in the process. In telling my story, I hope others can relate, and as a result rid of any feelings of emptiness or questioning of insanity. We are normal. We are human. It is them that are insane, abnormal and need psychological help.

I have included stories that highlight narcissistic traits in attempt to unveil some understanding of who these people are. Where possible I have included some notes about narcissism from my readings. I have also tried to include some sort of lesson that I have learned from the experience.

Unbeknownst to the Dragon, she is not exploiting and controlling me as she so thinks, but rather she is making me stronger and wiser. She is a lesson. 

"If anything came easy, it wouldn't be worth it. So I say, welcome difficult times, they teach you a lot and once you are through them, you will be a better person" Unknown

"We met for a reason; you are either a blessing or a lesson" Unknown 

I have changed the names of the characters in my stories to protect the true identities. Here they are:

v  Max – my husband

v  Nicole or "Ho" (according to Dragon) - me

v  Caden – my 6-year old son

v  Jessie – my step-daughter, Max’s 4-year old daughter

v  Blair – Max and my son, 1-year old

v  Carmen – aka Dragon

v  Beth – the puppet girlfriend of Dragon, who eventually becomes thee ex-girlfriend that continues to be exploited

Enjoy. Sincerely,

Nicole D. a.k.a. "Ho” (this will make sense later)