Secrets to Dealing with a Dragon – part 2

Well you would think that a 15 page Minutes of Settlement agreement would be thorough enough to prevent any further discussions between two parties on issues like child access and support. But apparently when you are a Dragon nothing is ever enough and there will always be a bone of contention.

The Minutes of Settlement are so black and white a child could read it and walk away with a clearer understanding of what was agreed upon than a manipulative malicious Dragon could.  There really should be no issue. But within one week of the agreement being written disputes were being brought forth by the Dragon. As Max’s lawyers office very elegantly stated “the ink isn’t even dry!”

She questioned aspects of the access. She questioned aspects of the support. The demands and issues kept coming.

In mediation the mediator clearly stated that with this very detailed agreement there really should be very minimal contact between the two parties. She also suggested that the parties should communicate by email only, and on that regard, once a week would be sufficient. She saw no reasons for phone calls or in person discussions, especially in light with the Dragons need to engage in conflict with Jessie present. These in person or over phone discussion should be far and few in her eyes.

But apparently the Dragon thrives on conflict.  Like a vampire, her blood is conflict. But I am sorry Dragon dear, Max and I really do not care to feed your need for drama. So bring on the boundaries.

In a very clear and detailed email the following were outlined.

Phone calls

Max made it clear he wanted no more phone calls from Dragon.  She has proved time and time again that she is incapable of a human conversation. She degrades Max and she manipulates and bombards the conversation.  So why would he want to engage in chat with you Ms. Dragon? Unless it is an emergency with regards to Jessie, don’t call the house! Put it in an email otherwise. And if it is an emergency, details as to what that emergency is need to be left on the machine message, at which point Max can call her back.  No “it’s about Jessie, call me.” Nice try. Not going to fall for that one.

If Jessie wants to call, have her. She can also leave a message and Max can call her back.

Emails

No daily bombard of issues please. Once a week send your concerns or questions. If more than that, they won’t be responded to. They will be responded on one day, unless an emergency.

On that, very often Max has had to say on an issue that this in my one and only response on this issue and after this, I will not respond to any more emails on this issue.  It is like dealing with a child really!

Pick up and drops offs

Max refuses to go to the door for picks ups and drop offs anymore. Why would he when he is yelled at, abused, ridiculed, all in front of Jessie. How is that healthy for either? He now sits in the car and waits for Jessie at pick up time. And for drop off, stands by the car as she walks up to the door. She waves back when she sees her mom.

All of these have all helped really. We hear from her less. And if we do get a call or she emails, there is plan for boundaries. We feel like there is some control over the situation, she is not the one controlling us as she wishes she could.  It is refreshing really.

While the list of boundaries grows and grows by the day, we are figuring it all out. She only has control if we let her.   

Spotting a Dragon

In my place of work I was manipulated and exploited by a Dragon. I didn’t know she was a Dragon at the time. Only through my readings and experiences with my Dragon friend Carmen have I now been able to look back and say I was prey to a Dragon at work.

I was the new girl and was wooed by one of my colleagues. She and I became good friends. Red flags should have gone up but they didn’t. She was so charismatic I was blinded by the truth. She gossiped about every person in the than small organization than turned around and chatted with them the next moment, laughing and carrying on as if she saw no issue with them. Issues would arise within the organizational system. Fingers would be pointing at her as suspect, but she was so convincing and conniving that she would slither her way out of the spot light with no repercussions. The issue would be swept under the carpet and you would be left wondering what ever happened to that issue that arose.  

Than one day I was left shaking my head wondering what happened. Unbeknownst to me, the Dragon at work was now bad mouthing me to all my colleagues. Suddenly everyone in our small building was not speaking to me.  I felt so alone and confused. I wracked my brain trying to sort out what I did to make everyone so upset with me. 

The truth all came out months later at a meeting. The Dragon at work was not in attendance. I believe that my colleagues suspected that I had been exploited as they got to know me and questioned the truth of what the Dragon at work was suggesting. They spewed all the lies she told about me. I was astonished. I reassured them that what she has said is not true. But I knew that their heads were spinning wondering who and what to believe. That is the Dragon effect. In time the truth did all prevail.

I still question how I allowed myself to be exploited and manipulated like I was. How could I have been so foolish? I never saw it coming. I still don’t understand why she did what she did. Perhaps like a vampire she sunk her teeth into her new prey, got what she needed and released me when she needed me no longer.  

My experiences in dealing with my Dragon friend – Carmen – have helped me better deal with the Dragon at work. I never did confront her on why she lied liked she did. This attempt would go nowhere as she would deflect and pass blame, admit no wrong and twist the truth. I also learned you do no not confront a Dragon directly or you risk a rage. I ensure I document every conversation and request and do not entrust any information with her.  When she talks friendly I remain guarded. In essence, she may seem kind on the surface because of her charismatic ways, but don’t fall victim – she is evil, conniving, and manipulative. She cares about one person and that person is her. So protect yourself.

I suppose at the end of the day, spotting a Dragon is not easy. Their public persona is so magnetic you are not left to suspect any issue. It is only after you are left victim that you shake your head and ask yourself what happened and what could I have done different. I would like to say that if I were to come across another Dragon in my life I would be able to spot it. I am not certain I could. It is only after you have entrusted in them that the true qualities of narcissism emerge. At that point, often it is too late.

Max fell victim to the Dragon. He was young and entrusting and it was only after some time in his relationship with Carmen did he see he was a victim. This new man that Dragon has met will soon see the private persona prevail and will too become victim. I somewhat feel bad for him, almost want to warn him to run. But the magnetic persona of a narcissist will blind him to the truth and will not likely believe any warnings. He will have to find out the truth for himself.

Spotting a Dragon is not an easy task. They are masters of their art. 

Life Lessons

My Dragon Moment

Be careful not to do something permanently stupid because you are temporarily angry, stressed, scared, tired or hungry. by Karen Salmansohn

I was told in counseling not to react, as when you react she wins.  Easier said than done, but for the most part, have done well.  But one day in a moment of weakness I had a most memorable Dragon moment.

The Dragon came over to the house to discuss with Max the access schedule for the year.  I was home from work early and was upstairs hiding, waiting for Blair to wake up from his nap – at which point I planned to escape. Being in the Dragon presence disturbs me.

Soon after my Dragon friend arrives she goes into one of her narcissistic rants over child care costs. She presented a receipt for before-school child care, costs incurred on 10 separate days, from the month of December. She demanded Max pay his portion of it and now! Max reminded her that he had already indicated that he was not going to pay for before-school child care when he is available.  On his calculations, he was only unavailable 2 days when he was at work.

“You could drop Jessie off at my place as opposed to child care. It would be no extra time for you and Jessie can be with her dad as opposed to a stranger. It is not financially responsible to use child care when I am around the corner” Max explains.  Remember, Max and the Dragon lives in the same small town whose outskirts entail a 5 minute hike by car. She immediately goes into a rant over what she does on her time is her business. Exactly! If you choose to put Jessie in child care on your time, well that is your business, so don’t make it ours! If you want to be so foolish to enroll Jessie into before-school care when you have to go to work as opposed to her being with her own Father and him getting her to school,  well than you go right ahead. Clearly you care more about your need for control than you do about Jessie or about being financially responsible. 

“You have to pay it Max” she yells.  He reads aloud the statement from their Minutes of Settlement that says that she is not to incur a special expense cost without his prior written consent.  He states he only consents to pay for the portion of child care when he is unavailable. She continues her rant.

All the while I am upstairs stewing as I hear her make her ridiculous demands and fails to listen to one word Max is saying. She wants her money and she will argue her points without any other consideration until she gets what she wants. 

The next comments set my blood boiling. “Call your lawyer Max, get her to straighten it out.” It is straightened out Dragon! The agreement could not be any clearer. And more importantly, if you have an issue, you call your lawyer. You can straighten out your concerns on your dime, not ours.

At this point Max attempts to suggest that the conversation is going nowhere and how about they move on to discuss what the meeting was initially set for – finalizing the access schedule for the year.  Well there was no way Dragon was going to move on until she had her way. “I am not going to discuss the schedule until you give me my money!” she yells.

My blood boils more, to the point of volcanic eruption.

I hear Blair. He is waking from his nap. A small distraction from the drama I am hearing.  I go and get him from his bed and decide to go down stairs to get him some milk before heading out.  

Well I have since learned do not enter the Dragon sphere when your volcano is about to erupt as her flaming presence will only spark the final blow.

I walk by her and Max at the kitchen table with Blair in my arms. I suggest to Max that if Carmen has an issue with the wording in the agreement that it should be her that contacts her lawyer as she is clearly the one with the issue. She says at this point that she doesn’t have a lawyer. Well Max and I know better, she still on record does, as she still owes over $8000 to her, she just doesn’t want to have to spend another dime – she expects us to. I look at her and say “well than I suggest you figure it out because we sure as hell aren’t going to spend another dime.”  She viciously says in response “mind your own business! This is between Max and I”.  “It is my business” I respond “when it is our money that you are wanting to F*%! foolishly spend”.   There was my Dragon moment - uttering the “F” word with Blair in my arms.

And there begins the Dragon feeding off my moment of weakness. “Wow, look at you swearing with a baby in your arms, isn’t that a sight to see”. Screw you Dragon. You are judging me? You are kidding right?

“Please, he is 15 months old, he won’t remember. But Jessie on the other hand, she will remember every nasty word you have said about me and her father.”  I continue. “Well there you go. Why don’t you tell all your little buddies at the Casino about how I swore in front of my child just like you told them all about me being pregnant? And while you are at, why don’t you tell them about us losing our baby, they might as well all be updated on our life since you think it is your business to share!” That was my Dragon rant.

Max stands up and calls enough. I take Blair downstairs to get out of sight, before I do something else stupid that I will regret. Blood boiling. Head pounding. Anxiety through me. I am angry. I am disturbed. More than anything, I feel I failed. I feel regret.

Well as the counselor said to me, your reaction is what she wants. When you react she wins. She won. I failed. And she gloated in the fact that I did. We are still hearing about it. Email after email about how Nicole uttered all these profanities, and poor innocent Blair, oh my do I feel bad for him…I am terribly concerned she acts like this in front of Jessie… The pathetic exaggeration of the facts and the dramatization of its aftermath made me ill. Like you care about Blair; remember you suggested he was the prodigy of a trapping and perhaps not even the son of Max. Suddenly you care? And way to deflect your pathetic mother-of-the-year qualities onto me by suggesting I am some sort of threat to Jessie. Are you kidding me? You what to know how many times I have had to bite my tongue to the point I could taste blood in my mouth when Jessie would tell me something my Dragon friend you said or did. I always take the high road. You on the other hand???

At the end of the day, I did react, and I did so in front of my son. I made a mistake. The difference Dragon is I have regrets, I feel apologetic, I have remorse. I will learn from this mistake and make every effort I can to not repeat it. Can you say that for yourself? I would like to say no as the same patterns continue: the same exposure of Jessie to conflict, your need to demean her innocence because of your insecurity, the same need for control at any expense even if that means the sacrificing of your own young.

I know my head that day was not in the right place, my body still drained from my miscarriage I had less than a week prior.  With that said, I am not one to make excuses. I am human, and I made an error. And that I accept.

Go ahead and gloat Dragon. If it makes you feel better to revel in my mistake to minimize yours in your eyes, let me be your escape.

Dragon must have went home that day and told Jessie that I yelled her The next time Jessie was over she told me that her mom doesn’t like me as I yell at her. But she quickly remarked…”Nic, you don’t yell.”

Those that matter know the truth.  Even a 5 year old girl can see through your performance my Dragon friend. 

Normal vs. Abnormal People

Let the Abuse Continue…And Deny it

Quote From Dragon to Max (I have bolded the parts I want to draw the readers eye to):

“Jessie is not in conflict when you come to the door. Yes, I would like for Jessie to see us communicating and saying Hi to each other in the near future. I welcome this.

As a parent I do not think it is safe to allow Jessie to walk alone to your vehicle.  For this reason, I am not sending Jessie out the front door alone.  You are welcome to come to the door and get her.  Again, when you come to get her, please come to the door, I will NOT send her out alone.  It is unsafe.  I like always will not say a word to you.”

This comes as a response to Max indicating that he refuses to come to the door at the Dragon Den upon pick up and drop off. This is not a demand that came spontaneously as a result of him not wanting to see her ugly face.  It is a result of several incidents at the door whereby Jessie is thrown into the line of fire by her own Mother. And Max had enough. He needed to protect Jessie and this boundary was one means of doing so. This was the latest incident that led him to draw this boundary in Jessie’s defense.  

Max goes to pick Jessie up at the Dragon Den. Couple days before the Dragon had mentioned that she had some paper work for Max and he also had some paperwork for her to review and sign. He notified Dragon the night before that instead of picking Jessie up at 8a.m. he would come 10 minutes early so they could sign paperwork and still be timely for Dragon to get off to work.

He shows up on her doorstep ten minutes to eight as suggested. She opens the door and begins her raging rant, with Jessie standing right beside her. She was mad that Max didn’t pick up the phone the night before and she made sure she expressed viciously how angry she was that he did not respond to her call. He reminded her that no message was left and what the issue anyway.  She was mad that he missed Mother’s day on the schedule he drafted. Innocent oversight he said, it can be adjusted.

 After she ranted for 5 minutes she angrily tells Max that he is not getting Jessie until 8a.m. as per the schedule, she pulls Jessie into the house from the door and slams the door in Max’s face. Jessie could be heard behind the door saying “Dad, Mom said you can’t take me yet sorry.” Jessie than runs over to the front window and waves at her dad who is standing on the front porch, in frigid January temperature. Promptly at 8a.m. the door opens and out comes Jessie.

Despicable really.  Endless examples of Dragon failing to see how she is abusing her own daughter by throwing her in the line of fire and involving her in adult conflict. Her job as a Mother is to protect and shelter her daughter from conflict NOT throw her in the middle of it. Dragon doesn’t care, she cares about one person – herself.

Oh, and for the record. Max didn’t miss Mother’s Day on the schedule. Dragon was looking at the wrong day. He had it right. Worth all the upset wasn’t it Dragon.

Back to the beginning of my entry: “Jessie is not in conflict when you come to the door. I like always will not say a word to you.”

These words in an email from Dragon came within 1-week of the incident described. Is she in denial? Is it that she rages and her mind goes black and truly does forget her words and actions?

So than my question to Dragon is...what is more unsafe? Jessie having to walk from her Dad's vehicle up to the home and waving back when she sees her Mother inside OR having to walk up with her Dad to the door and being exposed to Dragon rage? 

I choose the later. 

Would you expect any different?

So after the latest Dragon drama, I was rehashing the incident with my sister, both of us shaking our head at her irrationality. Her response: “Would you expect any different?”  No, and how sad is it that we expect disapproval and when nothing does happen we wonder why.

This realization came after Max did Jessie’s nails – adhering fake nails at Jessie’s request, from her nail kit she got for her birthday months back. Jessie was thrilled with her new look, flashing her fingers in the air going on about how long and sparkly they were.

An hour or so later off she goes back to her Mother’s Den. I didn’t even predict the outcome; heaven-for-bid I did not prepare myself for a Dragon drama!

Max isn’t home yet from driving the 2-minutes across town. Phone rings from the Den. I ignore it. He walks in the door and I immediately ask what happened at drop off. “Nothing he says. Sent Jessie up to the door and drove off. Why?”  

At this point I had not listened to the message that was left so was as curious as he was.

I listen to the message and it is Jessie. She is rambling on about how she is in the bathroom, that her mom doesn’t like her nails and wants them off and that her Mom wants to know how to take them off. She repeats herself a couple times before she says “I love you Caden, Nic, Blair and Daddy” and hangs up.  I relay the message and suggest that he listen – he refuses.  He hung his head “poor Jessie”.

Not even in the door 2 minutes and Jessie is being harassed by her Mother, being punished for an innocent act. No welcome home I missed you, how was your time at Dads?  Rather thrown directly into conflict, Dragon flames of rage – over nails.

Poor girl. Had I predicted that her Mother would throw a fit than I would have never have allowed her to go to her Mom’s with the nails on.

At which point my sister’s response – “Would you expect any less?”

She was right. Anything and everything is a source of conflict for the Dragon. At any point she can blow over the most innocent unassuming things. So you just have to expect it and be pleasantly surprised when she doesn’t explode.

The next day I did my own experiment. It had been years since I had put on fake nails so thought I would assess how difficult it truly is to remove them. So I adhered a few to my nails and waited an hour or so.  I than soaked my nails under warm water than one by one used a little bit of nail polish around the edge of the nails and presto, off the nails came.  I used a little bit of remover to eliminate any little bit of remaining glue. Good as new.  

In my Dragon friend’s defense, perhaps she has never removed fake nails before? Perhaps she was truly at a loss for how to remove the nails? And she thought it would be wise to have her daughter research the answer as opposed to using her own Internet that she has available to her on her phone and home computer?

Sarcasm.

Mountains out of mole hills. That is what she does best. Would you expect any less?

Not a tragedy, rather a nuisance

Tragedy puts problems in your life in perspective. 

In our small town, over the Christmas holidays, we had two massive tragedies that left the community struck with grief. They included a bizarre catastrophic murder of a young woman teacher and a heart-rending death of a young school-age girl crossing the road on her return home from school.  Soon after that, Max and I lost our baby at 13-weeks pregnant.

Anytime I become overwhelmed with frustration with the Dragon and her tactics, and get the poor-me attitude – “why do I have to deal with this” – I remember how worse things could be. Having to deal with the Dragon’s evil schemes is really no tragedy, simply a nuisance.

When we are dealt with another Dragon drama, I try hard to turn my focus on what I am blessed with, not what I wish I didn’t have – that being the Dragon in our lives. She is a nuisance like that fly that circulates the kitchen on a hot summer day that you can’t seem to swat with the newspaper you have rolled up. She won’t go away, and she is who she is, a pestering annoyance like a maggot-born fly.

We become overwhelmed with emotions at times in the face of her dramatics. It is a nuisance, not a tragedy having to deal with such an evil monster as her. We deal.  We are able to put things in perspective and realize while we have a pestering fly circulating around us, it is at least in a beautiful meadow surrounded by a rainbow of happiness and gratitude for all we are blessed with.

Is there an end to the Dragon Diaries?

A friend of mine said recently – “now that Max’s ex has a new boyfriend, maybe she will back off a bit?” Her rationale is if she is happier she will spend less of her energy attempting to deflect her misery in being unreasonable, demanding and controlling. 

Well one could hope. And one would think that perhaps some happiness would help in the situation. But one would be wrong.

The Dragon has been reportedly dating this boyfriend now for several months now. He and his children have met Jessie.  Yet, my Dragon friend is as unreasonable, demanding and controlling in this new relationship as she was without.  So in essence, she – the evil controlling narcissistic monster – is here to stay.

A friend, who works with the Dragon, recently wrote me a note that resonated with me as it was so apparent how transparent my Dragon friend truly is:

“Yes Carmen is a very strange individual and everyone sees her phoniness. She probably likes to stir the pot because she knows you are such a better mom, friend and a beautiful person, much better that what she could ever be. She is just jealous you have such a good life and she is so unhappy in hers. I always live by the motto Karma, and she will see it all for herself someday.”

So to go back to the original optimistic query regarding the Dragon backing off a bit with this new man in her life, it is evident this is not conceivable as she obviously remains so deeply unhappy. The toxic emotions of jealousy and resentment continue to cloud her. Until these feelings are dealt with and she truly does move on, we will remain targets on her in path of destruction.

With that said, I may be naive in thinking that she is capable of moving on and in positively dealing with her feelings and emotions. I may have to succumb to the fact that she may never be able to relinquish control and engage in cooperating like a reasonable mature adult.  She may never feel happy, or grateful or emphatic. Perhaps once a Dragon, always a Dragon?

There may always be another chapter in the Dragon Diaries.

Why is my business yours to share?

Two pregnancies. Two announcements in her place of work. Why is my business yours to share? 

Our neighbor came to Max last week and said his congratulations. He had heard from his wife who heard from her place of work that we were expecting. Her place of work is the Dragon's place of work. 

I will give you something to share Dragon.  Each and every story about how you have tried to make our life and your daughter's miserable. Let's see hoe openly you share that!

Involving Children in Adult Conflict

The number of examples of incidents that the Dragon has involved Jessie in the adult conflict is overwhelming.  She is clueless to how her actions have such an ill effect on her daughter’s wellbeing. She is blinded by her own insecurity and her need to control and take care of whom she sees as number one – herself.   Any of us whom care deeply for our own children and their health and wellbeing would never subject our children to issues beyond their comprehension. We would shelter and protect them.  But when you are a narcissist, you care for you and only you. And you will do what you need to do to get what you want and when – no matter the consequences.

In an attempt to highlight how truly twisted the Dragon is and how she is clueless to the ill effects on her own daughter, I will highlight some blood boiling examples.

The Birth Certificate   

Max and I decided to take Jessie and Caden to the USA to a local children’s attraction. Before we announced to the kids this idea, we ensured first we had access to Jessie’s birth certificate. We knew we had to ask Dragon for this given it was in her possession and we were pretty sure she would deny us access. Surprisingly Dragon on Saturday evening decided that yes Max could have it, and to pick it up Sunday morning. We announce the plan to the kids and they anxiously awaited the next day, waking up in the morning counting down the minutes until we left. Max calls Dragon to confirm pick up of the birth certificate and Dragon refused saying “I don’t feel comfortable Jessie going with Ho”.  On yeah, in case you have forgotten, that Ho is me. We than had to let the kids know that plans had changed. Both kids ended up in tears, and after 20 minutes or so of consoling and coming up with a backup plan, we had them settled.  Why she thought it was necessary to pull such a selfish act I will never know or understand.

That day both Jessie and Caden were sacrifices. I also was pregnant. I bled that day. My doctor told me it was likely brought on by stress.

The Ambush    

Max and I decided to take Jessie and Caden to Easter in the Park. The two were very excited to hunt for eggs together – they planned themselves a little race. Max was also very excited that this event was occurring on his weekend so that he could have the time with Jessie. As soon as we were approaching the pavilion in the park, we spotted Dragon and her puppet side kick getting out of their car and walking across the field towards us.  They had been lurching in their vehicle anticipating our arrival. At no point did we even say we were going, they simply arrived unannounced with a plan to coerce Jessie away from us. And that is what they achieved. They called Jessie towards them. I overheard Dragon say “mommy always takes you to this every year honey, you come with Mom”. 

At no point did she allow for Jessie to be with her Dad whom so excitingly brought her. Very briefly she came to the pavilion, at which point I motioned to pick Jessie up and ask her if she wanted to race alongside Caden. Jessie whined for her Mother and continued to whine until the race started. Jessie knows how to play her Mother - like a fiddle, and her mom just eats it up.  When you are insecure as she is, you feed on any ounce of attention.

At the commencement of the event Dragon conveniently returned Jessie to Max. Let me be clear: neither Max or I would have been upset IF she had requested beforehand if she could participate alongside. But she came with a plan - a plan to steal the spotlight. What a selfish conniving witch. She achieved what she came to do - disappoint us. But her lack of empathy failed to recognize whom else she disappointed - Caden. He did not get to race his sister that day. But the Dragon could care less, she cares only about one person - herself. 

The drama of the day did not end there. Dragon suggested afterwards that I upset Jessie by trying to "steal" her from her mom by picking her up.  Please, it was a harmless attempt to reunite "our family" whom had come together. Funny, because Jessie was not remotely out of sorts when she returned home with us that day. It is conveniently funny how she only because "upset" when her Mother instructed her that she was.  But the kicker – the Dragon needed to pile weight on her poor daughter’s shoulders by carefully instructing Jessie that I was "wrong" to try to pick her up.

The Dress    

It was our first school night with Jessie. The excitement could be felt. Max was so delighted that he was able to get Jessie off to school. Caden and Jessie were equally thrilled. Max eagerly awoke to make Jessie and Caden’s lunch. Jessie excitingly picked out her school outfit. “I want to wear a skirt” she says. She picks out a pink and black plaid skirt and her I love Daddy pink shirt. “The skirt is a little long hunny” I told her. “I can hem it and you can wear it another time”. This was the first she had tried it on. ‘No, I want to wear it”.  She twirled around in her skirt, she felt beautiful.

Of all days Jessie gets sent home with head lice. The Dragon gets the call from the school. She picks her up. Apparently she didn’t approve of the skirt Jessie wore. We later hear the following pathetic story from Jessie herself.

When Jessie got home from school her Mother took the skirt off of Jessie and began to rant about how big and ridiculous it was. She than decided she would further bully her own daughter and put the skirt on and danced around the kitchen...”Look Jessie, the skirt is so big it fits me”.  When Max called Dragon later to verify this story, she admitted to it all and completely justified it...”she looked like a welfare case”.  She then proceeded to suggest that I purposely dressed Jessie like a fool. In your world Dragon you purposely demean your own child; in mine, I protect and shelter my young.  

Did she every stop to think about how that may have made Jessie feel? Narcissists feel no empathy.

When Max asked for the skirt back, Dragon’s response...”it has been donated to the Goodwill. That is where things that do not fit go”.  

Anyone else see how immature and selfish this act was? It disgusts me.

The Denials    

The Dragon court ordered a pathetic bare access schedule of measly 4-hour visits, one visit in one week, two the next. Commencement time - 4p.m. (and she always ensured she strictly adhered to that time, holding Jessie back in the house until 4p.m. struck, leaving Max waiting on the doorstep, many days in the blistering cold).

One day Max had to work a little later. He asked if I could pick up Jessie. Heart pounding, I walk up to the door step to the Dragon Den. I could feel the heat. Jessie is in the front window, waving with delight, big smile on her face.  She runs to the front door. I could hear the Dragon behind the door saying get away from the door Jessie. The Dragon opens the door a crack and in her miserable voice asking “Where is Max?” I explained he had to work a bit later. She refuses for me to take Jessie. She slams the door in my face. I walk back to the car, looking back seeing Jessie in the window. That's healthy for Jessie Dragon. Way to go, good parenting. 

A week later, Max is needed a little later at work once again. This time, he attempts to send his own Mother, Jessie's paternal Grandmother. Once again a denial. Max's mom stood on the front door step trying for almost 20minutes to reason with the Dragon. There is no reasoning with the unreasonable.  Jessie came out three times asking Grandma, “are we going Gamma?” On the third occasion, she has her boots on, jacket draped over her...”Gamma, I am ready to go.”  The Dragon instructs her to go back in the house on each occasion. Finally Grandma decides her efforts are futile, she walks away to her car, looking back and seeing Jessie looking out the window. Once again...an excellent example of good parenting.  

Apparently Dragon told Max's mom that she was not going to allow for Jessie to go hang out with "ho" while Max is at work. Max's mom had to ask politely that she not speak so poorly of her daughter-n-law. Dragon's response..."haha, I am just so used to calling her that". Classy. 

Funny how Dragon's puppet, Beth, and Grandma can pick Jessie up at any time from Max's house or be left alone with them as Dragon tends to her many selfish personal pursuits and Max not dispute it and put Jessie in the middle of the adult conflict. Oh yes, he is a rationale human being who does not harbor resentment and jealousy. 

Money before Child Health  
Max himself has been denied access to his daughter. On one occasion, Max had a reimbursement cheque for some health insurance expenses that Dragon submitted. She had called the insurance company and discovered that the cheque had already been sent out. Max showed up to get Jessie and Dragon went on one of her many rants...how he was not going to get Jessie until she got that cheque. Jessie was once again in the front window, witness once again to her deranged Mother screaming at Max and sending him away until she saw the money. He returns 20-minutes later and Jessie is "released" to Max as he hands over the cheque.   On the way home, Jessie says to her Dad..."did you give my mom the money you owe her Dad?" 

The cheque was for less than $70.00. Well worth the use of your daughter as a pawn and the trauma of a 4 year old innocent girl by involving her in your adult issues isn't it Dragon. 

It has been over two years of watching Dragon sacrifice her own child and involve her in adult conflict. My blood has boiled. My heart has raced. I have cried . I have screamed. I have even called Dragon on the phone myself, pleading that she stop calling me names in front of Jessie. Somehow I thought I could reason with her.  But the only thing that came out of that phone call was her turning around and further sacrificing Jessie...”She is mean...she called and yelled at me” she told Jessie later that day.

There is no reasoning with a narcissist. They admit no wrong. They have no empathy. They care only about themselves.

How you consider your daughters feelings in all this really deserves recognition. I will ensure I vote you for Mother of the Year Dragon.  

Innocence Replaced by Insecurity

Today in the kitchen getting lunch ready, from nowhere Jessie says to me “I asked my mom if she likes you this much Nic”. She holds up her two fingers, holding them an inch or two apart. She goes on to say “she says she likes you this much” holding up two fingers, tightly pressed together.

But immediately she says "that is okay Nic, I told her that I like you”. I smiled and told her I was glad she liked me because I super-duper liked her. I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her and asked “I hope it doesn't hurt your feelings when your mom says things like that?” She said “actually it does hurt my feelings. Maybe next time you see my Mom you can ask her if she can like you?” I held her hand and said “of course I will, I will do anything for you”. Just then I could feel Max's comforting hand on my shoulder, a sign of his thanks for how I responded and supported and encouraged Jessie.  

Sad really. I have become an integral part of Jessie's life and she has come to love me as I love her. By the Dragon insulting me and expressing her dislike for me, ultimately she is insulting Jessie.  It is pathetic really that the Dragon needs to act in such an immature destructive way, as she is so clouded by her jealousy. It just breaks my heart that Jessie’s innocence is being robbed by her Mother’s insecurity.

All we can do is refrain from any negative feedback and give Jessie our love and affection and support. She will figure it all out, if she hasn't already begun to at her young age of 5.

Please do not replace my innocence with your insecurity. Allow me to love everyone who loves me. By The Childless Stepmom

Campaign of Control

Narcissists are controlling. They will do anything and everything in their power to maintain control. They want control in every avenue of their lives – in their work, home and personal environment.

The Dragon controlled Max throughout their relationship. She continues to try to control him now that they are separated.  And she feels entitled to do so.

The number of times that my Dragon friend has made her attempts to try to control how we parent in our household are too numerous to recall. She believes she has say over when we keep Jessie out until on a summer evening so not to expose her to mosquitoes  she feels she has a say over how we put Jessie to bed; she feels she has a say as to whether we can allow for her to go outside while she is on antibiotics; she feels she has a say as to when we should decide on bringing Jessie to emergency – for pink eye may I add; she thinks she has a say as to whether we bathe Jessie at night or in the morning. The latest will have you question whether this woman’s mind ever rests or whether she is always on a campaign of control!

We are expecting. We have three bedrooms for the kids. We will now have 4 children between us. After some long and discussion with the older kids, we have decided to temporarily have the two older kids share a room in the largest bedroom space. When the two youngest are at an age that nighttime waking is a minimal issue they will share a room, and we are guessing this may amount to the two oldest sharing a room for maybe 2 years. Well they are thrilled. It isn’t already uncommon for them to request sleepovers in the bunk beds when we have them home on the same night so the idea of a shared space excited them. We have talked with them about how we can make their own spaces in their shared room.

I was showing Jessie some ideas I found on Pintrest and had pinned to one of my boards. She loved them. But then she added: “Nic, my mom said I am not allowed to share a room with Caden! I told her I wanted to and she kept saying NO!” You are kidding me Dragon. You seriously think you have some say over who shares a room in our household. Last time I checked you are not a decision maker in my household so I am pretty sure this is not any of your business.

We told Jessie exactly that – that what we do in our household is not any of her Mother’s business and that we will make the decisions in our home that we think are best. We reassured her that sharing a room with Caden will occur and we will make the best of it. She was happy to hear that.

This was not the first campaign of control moment these past few days. Apparently as Max walked back to the car with Jessie after picking her up, the Dragon yells out “you are NOT to change her earrings, leave the ones I have put in her ears!” Jessie got a number of different earrings for Christmas that she absolutely loved. When I brought out some different options for her to consider with her outfit the next day she looked at me with concern – “I am not supposed to take my earrings out, my mom said”. I reassured her that we would put back the earring she had in before she returns to her mom. She was pleased as she was eager to wear one of her new sets.

We do get a kick out of the Dragons campaign of control. Because in the end, we know any attempt she makes at controlling what we do will not transpire. So she is left feeling helpless and frustrated as her control over Max dissipates.  What we do not appreciate is the burden the Dragon’s campaign of control puts on Jessie’s shoulders.  You can see the anguish, anxiety and confusion in her eyes when she tells us something her Mother has said about a decision we have made. Again, this young innocent girl should worry only about what colour she will wear that day, not be burdened with these larger adult issues.

Dragon will never change. She will always try to control what we do in our home. We will continue to make our decisions and be proud of them, because we are confident that we are good parents who consider the best interest of our children unlike my Dragon friend.