Diverting Blame

Driving home today, another "mother of the year" moment came to me. It's the ones that affect Jessie so directly that bother me so much. 

This incident came the day the Dragon was served her affidavit and supporting legal documents from Max for an upcoming court session whereby his lawyer was trying once again to settle matters that she refused to settle on.  Immediately she was lashing out and unfortunately put Jessie in the cross fire.   

Within the paperwork there was a lot of concerns presented to the court with regards to Carmen's parenting namely putting Jessie in the middle of adult conflict. There was some notes with regards to some things Jessie has suggested her mother has said about me, including the nick name "Nasty Nicky". A name apparently she uses in front of Jessie repeatedly. 

Max dropped Jessie off shortly after 8p.m. At 8:15pm the phone rings and it is Jessie.  Max spoke briefly with her but than could hear the Dragon in the background saying "Tell Dad I don't call Nic "Nasty Nicky"...that you do". 

Jessie went silent. Than she apprehensively says, "no". Max immediately pipped in to protect Jessie and said to her that she didn’t have to say anything that she knows is not right. She responded, “see Mom, Dad is right”. Max told Jessie he had to go, an attempt to diffuse the situation. 

The phone rings again at 8:57pm from the Den. It was Jessie asking if she could talk to me. Max asked why and she responded that she wanted to say sorry for calling me Nasty Nicky.  He once again told her that she doesn't need to say anything as dad knows the truth. As the phone was again on speaker, Max could hear Carmen in the background saying "you say it Jessie, say it"....repeatedly.  

Max then directed the conversation to Carmen and said "Jessie doesn't need to be involved in this Carmen, this is an adult conversation".  Max said he could hear her mom laughing, almost cackling, in the background. He reassured Jessie that he loved her and told her he needed to go.

I was driving home today, another "Mother of the year" moment came to me. It's the incidents that affect Jessie so directly that bothers me so much.

The episode that came to mind was the day the Dragon was served her affidavit and supporting legal documents from Max for an upcoming court session – another attempt by his lawyer to settle matters that she refused to settle. Immediately she lashed out and unfortunately put Jessie in the cross fire.   

Within the paperwork there were a lot of concerns presented to the court with regards to Carmen's parenting, namely putting Jessie in the middle of adult conflict. There were some notes with regards to some things Jessie has suggested her Mother has said about me, including the nick name "Nasty Nicky", a name apparently she uses in front of Jessie repeatedly. 

Max dropped Jessie off shortly after 8p.m. At 8:15pm the phone rings and it is Jessie.  Max spoke briefly with her but then could hear the Dragon in the background saying "Tell Dad I don't call Nic ‘Nasty Nicky’ that you do". 

Jessie went silent. Then she apprehensively says, "no I don’t Mom". Max immediately interrupted to protect Jessie and said to her that she didn’t have to say anything that she knows is not right. He then told her that he had to go, an attempt to diffuse the situation. 

The phone rings again at 8:57pm from the Den. It was Jessie asking if she could talk to me. Max asked why and she responded that she wanted to say sorry for calling me Nasty Nicky.  He once again told her that she doesn't need to say anything as Dad knows the truth. As the phone was again on speaker, Max could hear Carmen in the background saying "you say it Jessie, say it"....repeatedly.  

Max then directed the conversation to Carmen and said "Jessie doesn't need to be involved in this, this is an adult conversation".  Max said he could hear her mom laughing, almost cackling, in the background. He reassured Jessie that he loved her and told her he needed to go.

It is upsetting that Jessie was not even in the door 5 minutes and her mom is pressuring her in this way. But more so, the way she handled the situation was very immature, and almost bully-like. We know Jessie would not speak those words. If she did, we know where she heard them - her Mother. She is 4 years old. Where would an idea like that come from? Kids are always listening. 

Funny enough, about 2 months prior to this day, Jessie had told me that her Mother called me "Nasty Nicky".  I was so upset that she was name calling me to her 4 year old daughter, teaching her the concept of teasing and bullying, and attempting to alienate me from Jessie, that I called her at work. When I confronted her on the name, she immediately told me "I have been calling you that from the get-go so get over it!"

Than step forward 2 months and she is pressuring her 4 year old daughter to say that it was her that was the name caller. And in typical narcissistic fashion, she denies every calling me that name - ever admitting wrong and diverting blame. 

Does anyone else see the evilness in all this - diverting blame on to your own 4-yar old daughter? Sickens me. 

All Max and I could do in that moment is reassure Jessie that we believed her, taught her the concept of "treat others as you wish to be treated", and went over ways to deal with bullying at school and in other social situations.   We also have never and would never speak poorly about her Mother to Jessie or call her names in her presence.  As much as we despise her miserable self, she is still Jessie's Mother and Jessie deserves that respect. 

That's why writing is so healthy for me. I can get out my frustration without voicing them in front of Jessie. Therapy