Merry Christmas!

Whether at Christmas or any time of the year, remember what is truly important. That is Family. Merry Christmas from our family to yours! 

 

The Many Faces of a Dragon - Funny

Secrets to Dealing with a Dragon

I met with a friend. She herself struggles with a deranged ex.  And like me, her new partner is struggling with the derangement, becoming aggravated by her constant need for drama. She asked me how I handle the Dragon. I responded "it has been 2 years and I am just now coming to grips with it all". 

You have to experience something to know how to effectively handle it. Life is a learning process. Live and learn. I encouraged her that her partner will too find her own coping strategies. Patience is key, she will find her way. 

But it did make me think. How have I come to handle things? Why am I feeling so much less stressed and annoyed by the Dragon's tactics than I did 2.5 years ago when I was graciously blessed with her presence in my life?  What are my coping strategies?  

Here are some of the ways I have learned to cope. 

                                                                            

In your relationship 

Boundaries 

I have become very protective of my spouse when it comes to her. She has abused him for so long, mistreated him and disrespected him that I assume she will in each and every encounter. And I feel the need to be there in one way or another to pick up the pieces. 

Example: Phone calls - Leave the room; better yet, leave the house! 

When she calls, I feel the need to be in the room to witness her rage on him and be there as his backup. But, that leads to my reaction; suggesting in the background that he hang up, with her than yelling at him to put HER on the phone, leading her into yet another rage.  I have decided it is best that I not be in the room when she calls or he calls her.

I haven't quite mastered hat yet - I have transitioned to lurking in the hall behind the door with my hand covered over my mouth itching to grab the phone from Max and throwing it across the room as I hear her spew her fumes at him! But in time I hope to be able to remove myself completely - and feel comfortable about it. Max is a big boy. He can handle himself. He too is learning strategies to deal with her and when enough is enough, hang up. Plus, will being in the room change the outcome of the call? Likely not. Anything he says is not heard anyway so me writing down furiously suggestions of what to say on a piece of paper isn't going to go anywhere anyway - waste of my energy. And being in the room just infuriates me. Leading to a reaction whereby she wins (discussed later). So no good comes from acting as Max's backup when he is on the phone with her. So leave the room. Curl up in bed and watch some TV or read. Or go for a walk. Just get away. 

Than there comes the second step to my need to protect. "What she say, she didn't yell at you did she?"  The beginning of my worry afterwards about what she said or did and how he handled it and how he is feeling. Than this usually leads me to saying "well, you could have said this I suppose".  Max than responds "I never thought of that." Than leading me back into the cycle of wanting to be there in the room to write down suggestions on a piece of paper for him when he is on the phone with her. Reminder to self, narcissists DO NOT LISTEN. They don't care what you have to say. They only hear themselves. So don't waste your energy thinking you can help in some way. Remove yourself completely. Save your energy. And avoid any reaction whereby she wins. 

Don't ask

As I mentioned, my instinct when he gets off the phone is to ask how it went. But most often, Max has no interest in wasting any more of his energy in talking about her.  In fact, he would rather erase any memory of her overall. 

Leading me to my conclusion of setting up boundary number two: don't ask, let him offer information as needed if he so chooses. 

Case in point: when Max returns from picking up Jessie from the Dragon Den, I instinctively ask out of my need to protect "how did pick up (or drop off) go? Did she yell at you for one reason or another?" Why ask? What good comes out of dwelling up any negative? So, don't ask. It isn't that I don't care, because I absolutely do. It is that I am leaving it to him to volunteer to provide the information if he feels he needs to. If he needs to vent, let him.  Be there as his support. Otherwise, assume all was good and he is okay, whether something transpired or not. Why rehash the incident if he feels no need to. Less emotional drainage for both of us.

In direct dealing with the Dragon ex 

Avoid reacting 

When I react, she wins, she is in control.  She wants the reaction. She thrives on the reaction - that is how she refuels her fumes after spewing out flames from her vulgar Dragon mouth. Reacting drives her to another raging incident to another to another.  Only respond if a response is needed. And keep it short and factual. Give them nothing. No emotion. No words. Nothing. 

This has been a process of learning for me. I have so many regrets of reacting over the past 2 plus years. Instinctively you want to defend yourself and give them a piece of your mind - "you deranged psychotic narcissistic freak...!"  But, as mentioned time and again, narcissists do not listen; they do not care about anyone but themselves - so any words of 'advice" is not heard or understood. And by reacting, she feels and sees my emotion and thrives on it - like a vampire sucking blood from a human. So give her no blood. Let her die a lonely miserable death - I will not give her any of my life. 

You can't change them 

Just last week Jessie arrived for her overnight and she instantly said "my mom said that I am supposed to have a bath." I was so annoyed. Not with Jessie. Poor little girl was just relaying the information her Mother told her to pass on. I was annoyed with her Mother. Why put that burden of responsibility on Jessie. She is a 5 year old girl who needs to worry about whether she will wear pink or purple that day. And furthermore, thank you very much Dragon, but pretty sure we know how to parent and when to bathe our children. I pulled Max aside and suggested he needs to tell the Dragon to mind her own business. He looks at me and says "we will be dealing with this crap forever and you know she doesn’t care or listen".  

In essence, we can't change her. So just ignore her. Responding to her demands is reacting and reacting is giving her what she wants. And, ultimately she is who she is – a controlling, narcissistic and deranged individual. See each and every comment and action as part of her derangement. Feel bad for her. Can you imagine having to feel the need to be so controlling every day of your life? Exhausting.  Laugh it off. See the humor in it. “Yes Dragon Dear, Miss Mother of the Year, we will bathe your child, and make our best attempt to parent. I suppose someone needs to parent in this shared parenting arrangement". 

You can't reason with the unreasonable. So stop thinking you can! 

She has a personality disorder. She needs help. You can't force her to get help. And if she fails to seek help, well that is her issue. Than live a life of misery. We will just sit back and feel bad for you that you really can't help yourself and savor our life of happiness. 

Limit contact 

Less contact you have, less chance for being put in a position to be the subject of a rage and having to exhibit will power and strength to not react to her idiocy. 

Case in point: Max is not home. New rule: I refuse to answer the phone. Let it go to voice mail. And since she notoriously calls back up to 20 times after, take the phone off the hook. When she later rages at Max that he is so immature for not answering the phone, he can put in his imaginary ear plugs and make his best attempts to ignore her ridiculous rant. 

Recently the Dragon made a request that I not be allowed to be at an extra-curricular activities for Jessie for one year. She apparently finds my signs of affection towards her daughter "annoying". Instead of seeing these acts of affection as healthy for her daughter and feel blessed that she has such love and support in her daughter’s life, she focuses on the negative and sees things simply from her selfish immature Dragon point of view. 

Well, while I see this request as simply disgustingly selfish and immature, I need to thank you Dragon Dear as you are doing me a favor. First off, I have two children of my own and another on the way. I don't have a lot of extra time to attend your daughters extra-curricular. Second, by not being in attendance, I don't have to see your ugly face. You are mean and vindictive. Yet you put on your public persona face and pretend to be someone you are not. Having to witness that is disgusting. I would rather not have to.  

I could ignore your request as I am entitled to go where I so choose in public. But I know you, and you will subject Jessie in some fashion to your anger with that, and I would rather not allow Jessie to be hurt any longer by you. So, instead of cheering on Jessie from the sideline as I have for the past 2 years, I will continue to give her the support and encouragement she needs in my own home. And let it be known, when she asks why I am not there or coming - as she will, I will ensure she knows that her Mother requested that I not. This is just another example of your Mother of the Year qualities. 

Drop offs or pick-ups. I avoid them like the plague. Only if I am needed will I pull my vehicle into the Dragon Den driveway. And if I do, I remain beside the car and watch Jessie walk up like a "big girl" to the Den.  As previous experience tells me you will ignite into a rage. And that is not healthy for Jessie. I do what I need to do to protect Jessie unlike you.  

In dealing in life in general with the narcissistic ex 

Who cares what people think 

When the Dragon began her rampage of calling me a "Ho" and taking it upon herself to spread around town and her place of work that I was pregnant, it bothered me. I also would worry about what kind of lies she is telling people about Max and I, when the reality is, she is the deranged one who would willingly sacrifice her own child to get what she wants. 

Worry, worry, worry. For one, when I worry, she wins. She gets what she wants - my reaction. And then I am no longer in control. 

Second, who cares what people think. If they are friends with that deranged pathetic example of a human being, than I question their sanity. And if they believe anything she says, why care. They are not worthy of my concern.  Those that know and love you know the truth. Those that know and love you know what kind of person you truly are. And that is all that matters.  The rest of you - well enjoy your life of manipulation and deceit in the Dragon world. You are in for a treat. You hopefully will see the light and see through her lies before you become her next subject. 

Indulge in the karma 

As I outlined in a previous chapter 'Karma is a beautiful thing", I unknowingly failed to see that the Dragon IS getting her Karma and in fact, I am driving the Karma train.  She resents me. She is jealous of what I have. She regrets giving up her life with Max and hates me for it. She also despises the fact that Jessie loves me and is annoyed seeing me showing affection towards her daughter.  And she hates Max for it all too. That he has moved on and is happy. And I am the reason why. 

I love it! I love that she hates me. I love that she resents me. I love that I annoy her. I love that she is miserable and I am not. 

Why was I not indulging in that all along? How did I fail to see this beautiful Karma?  Indulging in seeing her struggle with her miserableness as a result of Max and my happiness: priceless.  You act like a Dragon. Well, now I know why. Choo Choo.  Do you hear that Karma Train? Makes it way easier to deal with her idiocy when you can sit back comfortably knowing she is drowning in her Karma, and her actions and words are her lashing out as a result, AND that you helped create that Karma. 

Well that is my summary for now. I am sure more ideas will come to me and I will add as I think of them. I also am sure I will learn new skills and coping strategies as I go along. Life is a learning process. Each and every experience gives you new insight. Embrace each trial and tribulation as a step in growing to be a better and stronger person. 

 I invite any readers who themselves deal with a narcissistic ex OR who are the new spouse and have to deal with your spouse's narcissistic ex (like myself) to share your coping strategies. We learn from not only experience but from each other.  Together we can create a file of Secrets to Dealing with a Dragon!! 

It's all your fault

The Dragon continues to insist that the agreement that was recently signed is inaccurate and it must be changed. She insists that there is an error; that Max does not physically get Jessie at 8 a.m. on his scheduled weekday access - she is to take her to school, and he is just "responsible" for her as of 8a.m.. Yes, because that makes sense. Well if that’s the case, than if he is responsible for Jessie at 8a.m. than he will responsibly pick her up from the Dragon Den and have her responsibly at school a short time thereafter.

Out of concern that once again Dragon is up to her malicious ways to sabotage his access, Max contacted his lawyer. She explained the whole rationality behind the 8 a.m. scheduled time: the parties, respectful lawyers and mediator ALL agreed to the time so that Max could have before school time with Jessie AND to reduce the cost of day care as he is available to care for her when her Mother is not. 

Apparently the Dragon conveniently forgets this conversation. Apparently she went home after mediation and had "buyer’s remorse" over what she agreed to. Too bad Dragon. It is what it is until a later review date. 

But when you are a Dragon, you want to get your way and you will do what you need to do to get that way. 

Max goes to pick Jessie up for his scheduled access at the Dragon Den. She rages "I have to spend $3000 to have the agreement changed. When are YOU going to let up Max?"

Perspective of a Dragon: take no blame; pass all onto others as it's never your fault. I want control. I will get my way as it is my way or no way. I don't care if the agreement is court ordered, I am above the law, and I will spend more money to get my way, despite me being over $25,000 in debt. Max should just do what I say. I have no understanding of why he cares to spend time with his daughter before school and don't care to understand. I don't think she should jump from my home to his. However, I am okay for her to jump from home to home when it is convenient for me.  

Perspective of a rationale human being: the schedule has been set, I agreed upon it less than 2 weeks ago, I may have some concerns, however I am willing to allow for it to play out and will re-evaluate at the review date. It would be silly for me to want to spend $3000 to have it changed for 45 minutes of time once per week. Not to mention, Jessie would love that time with her father and her siblings. 

The Dragon hands Max a sheet of paper before she slams the door in his face. He brings that sheet of paper home. Scribbled on it is:

$500 - mediator one

$24, 500 - lawyer one 

$9,000 - lawyer two 

$2100 - mediator two

BIG underline and total = $36,100

I laugh. Once again, pass blame, my debt is your entire fault Max.  Alright, let us now see HOW and WHY that money was sent: 

The beginning (2 1/2 years ago): 

Max is denied access over and over depending on which personality the Dragon found herself in, whether she was mad or not with Max, and wanted to punish him by taking away his time with Jessie. Max executed numerous attempts to come to some agreement with Dragon over access with no progress. She wants all the control. Max finally goes to a lawyer to understand his rights. 

Max suggests to Dragon a mediator locally: refusal. He finally is able to convince her after Max hands over to her a cheque for $2700. Manipulation at its best isn’t it. They attempt this mediator. Next day Max is told this mediator is not trained in mediation and that his agreements are always turned over in court. It was recommended that he suspend further use of this mediator.  So Max begins his search for another mediator. He recommends to Dragon a more qualified option. Of course, she refuses and provides every excuse imaginable as to why she is refusing to engage. So, unfortunately Max is forced to go back to his lawyer. 

Her lawyer one: 

• Dragon finds out I am pregnant, suddenly a request to the courts for over $4500 in combined child and spousal support. Courts deny her request and settle on 1/3 of this. 
• Dragon is not happy with the results and appeals in higher court: a costly venture that could have cost her over $20,000
• Time passes as do several costly court sessions or lawyer intervention over the following because of Dragon's need for control and inability to negotiate reasonably with Max: 1) time over summer  2) allowance for myself or Max's Mother or other designate to pick Jessie up at school or the Dragon Den should Max be unavailable 2) time over Christmas  3) time for Father's Day 4) time for summer holidays for the second year in a row ....list goes on 
• Over the course of 10 months, Max provides two offers to settle i.e. agreement that would have finalized everything – both ignored by Dragon, with no counter offers  
• Several attempts by Max and his lawyer to have Dragon attempt mediation with two separate mediators. Refusals by Dragon to all these offers. 
• Finally a private court session whereby Dragon is told by the judge she is in essence an idiot and the source of conflict and that she is not doing her duty as primary resident in promoting a healthy relationship between Jessie and her father and to smarten up or else.
• Hopeful this slap on the hand will improve the situation, nothing  changes, as Dragon is above the law 
• Dragon fires her lawyer as she isn't happy with what the judge tells her and it must be her lawyers fault, not hers 

Lawyer two: 

• Bring on new lawyer; finally someone with common sense who suggests Dragon you had better trial mediation as you are not going to fare well in court with the label that has been assigned to you  
• Lawyer charges likely over $500 an hour. Guess when you are as reckless as the Dragon you need to hire someone good to fix all that you have messed up. 

Mediation 

• Finally mediation. Settlement. Agreement. Hopefully closure. Let's all move forward. 

Let the Saga Continue 

• One week later - denials of access. Dragon not following the agreement. Back to lawyers. 

 

But apparently all the money the Dragon spent in the legal system (and apparently wants to continue to spend) is all Max's fault. 

Mirror, mirror on the wall....are you capable Dragon of admitting wrong doing and owning up to your mistakes?? Apparently not. Reflect that fault onto someone else Dragon. You see no evil. You are no evil. It's everyone else that is right?

I am a Narcissist - I am above the Law

Just when we thought that we had an agreement in writing that could potentially reduce some of the conflict by preventing Dragon from arbitrarily taking time with Jessie away when she so chooses, well seems that some people feel they live above the law. 

About a week ago Max sat down for over 10 hours in negotiation with the Dragon and their respective lawyers and a trained mediator to reach settlement - FINALLY - over issues pertaining to access and support. 

Regarding access, the agreement outlined a schedule along with some guidelines on use, namely: 

• Both parties will strictly adhere to the schedule until a review in 18-months 
• Both parties agree to not make unilateral changes in the schedule 

The point of these guidelines: to reduce conflict. The mediator made it very clear in the session that the schedule is the schedule - let it be, follow it, see how it goes, and in 18 months we can review it again. She stressed how important it was to follow the schedule and these guidelines in order to reduce the conflict in this case - for Jessie' sake. 

Well, apparently Dragon could care less about:

1) Jessie (well that we know, it is only herself she cares about)  

2) Reducing conflict 

As within 1-week of the agreement being signed, she is making "unilateral" changes in the schedule. 

Agreement: Jessie to be in her father’s care from 8 a.m. Day 6 until 730 p.m. Day 7. Simple right? 8 a.m. pick up, 730 p.m. drop off.  

Dragons interpretation: That means you are responsible for Jessie at 8 a.m. - you don't physically get her at 8 a.m. I will take her to school. 

Translation: When Dragon got home from mediation and took a look at the calendar and thought about the schedule, she didn't like it - she didn't like that she had to hand over Jessie to Max on days she is off. So, she decided to take it on herself to make up her own interpretation. Interpretation: "I love control, I lost it with this agreement, but I will take it back and do what I want with the schedule." 

For someone who is so broke, when you don't follow the agreed upon terms, you are in contempt of court - and that means legal action and more money to be spent Dragon!

Dragon response to Max reminding her of that: "I am done with lawyers and paying legal bills. Do what you want Max, won't matter."

Translation: "I live above the law. I will do what I want, when I want". 

The difference between a RATIONALE person and an IRRATIONAL person like Dragon is this: 

Max and I have questions about the agreement and some interpretation. How did he proceed with that? Did he make his own interpretation and do what he so chooses like the Dragon? No. He called his lawyer and asked if he could sit down to discuss these concerns and questions. Respectful. Following moral and civil codes of action. Rationale. Honest. 

Her approach to life: disrespectful; immoral, arrogant, selfish, controlling, manipulative, deceitful. 

Way to help contribute to the "reduction of conflict" Dragon. Once again, everything on your terms. Living by your own set of rules. Doing what you so please and when. And then she will turn around and give her sob story: Why do you and your family hate me???? 

"To get respect is to give respect, the more you don't give the less you'll get...Unknown"

If the tables were turned and Max did what he so chose with the agreement, Max would NEVER hear the end of it - the Dragon would breathe fire and inflict a burn so deep. Can you IMAGINE if he didn't pay his support as per the agreement? She would lose it. 

But once again, Max's approach to life: Rationale. Not above the law and follows agreement. Dragon’s approach to life: irrational, above the law, arrogant, disgraceful. 

The Dragon Diaries: never ending drama. Fun isn’t it. 

Another Mother of the Year Moment

We are sitting on the couch this week, the whole family. And Jessie says "when my mom is mad at me and tells me to SHUT UP, I tell her to shut her lip". 

Out of the mouth of babes!

Teaching moment for Jessie: how rude it is to speak to adults in such a way and why it is important to give your mom respect (despite the fact that her Mother is obviously undeserving of it). 

And the best part, the question of "how does that make you feel when mom says these things" and "what could you say to mom when she says this'. 

Response from a 5 year old girl: "It hurts my feelings" (no kidding!). And "I could ask mom to not say these things to me". 

And yes Jessie, than walk away sweet pea. 

Get out the Medal of Honor for this Mother of the year comment. 

Karma is a Beautiful Thing

I always envisioned various forms of Karma for my dear friend the Dragon.

v  Loss of primary residency.

v  Max being awarded 50% access by a judge.

v  A judge telling her that she is not entitled to spousal support as she had a premarital affair and left Max for another woman.

Well Karma can come in more ambiguous ways.

In a recent mediation session, after hours of negotiation, the mediator comes into a small meeting space where Max and his lawyer sat and says a comment with regards to my Dragon friend. "I believe she wasn't ready to settle up until now as I believe she is just now getting over you." She said this is her impression based on some things that have been said and events that have occurred.

Interesting that a third party, someone who has only known Dragon for a short while, could come to that conclusion. That has always been our suspicion - that the Dragon's drive to burn us with her fumes stems from her jealousy and spite. She asked for Max back two years ago and he turned her down. Than for me to turn around and get pregnant months later, well that just changed everything - she was never getting him back. I had taken from her what she wanted so badly back, what she so regretted giving up - a life with Max.  Hence why she had turned around and suggested I trapped Max - because no way would he actually want to spend his life with me over her. Hence why she hates me so much and has tried to hurt me over and over. This explains why she has grown to hate Max so deeply. Spite: how dare you move on, you were supposed to be sitting waiting for me while I test the waters on the other side, and you weren't supposed to get over me. You are not supposed to be happy, as I am not. Jealousy and spite are toxic emotions. Fuel that with regret over giving up something great. A recipe for disaster.

Another interesting comment was made that day in mediation. The Dragon went on about how she hates that I come to Jessie's extra-curricular as I irritate her and I make comments to Jessie like "I love you, I will see you Wed”. Dragon tells the group in mediation “It bugs me, she bugs me". The mediator immediately says "why is it a bad thing that she shows affection towards your daughter?" Well of course she had no comment for that. She is right. Count your blessings Dragon. I could hate your daughter. I could treat her horribly. I could make her feel unwelcomed in our home. But instead I shower her with love, affection, admiration - I treat her as if she were one of my own. And that is another piece of your Karma! The fact that I love your daughter and your daughter loves me. The fact that when you see us together and there is affection, that bugs you. The fact that you harbor so much jealously. It eats away at you.

I have an ex-husband who has a new partner. Do I hate this partner? Am I jealous? No. For one I am grateful because she loves Caden and treats him with respect. And two, I am secure enough to not be jealous. I know that my relationship with Caden isn't in jeopardy because of this new person in his life.  Being so insecure must be in itself so difficult. To struggle daily with such insecurity and fear. More karma.

I suppose I am in a sense driving the Karma train! I am the source of all these toxic emotions of jealousy and spite and hatred. I have taken from the Dragon what she always thought would be waiting for her. I am the reason Max has moved on and feels at peace. I am happy. Max is happy. Jessie loves me. She is a welcomed part of our growing family. Chooooo Choooo....

And yes, the other big piece of her Karma is $$$$$$. The Dragon is greedy. The almighty dollar is so important to her. Apparently she is $30,000 in debt on a Line of Credit. Can't help but giggle. Apparently a good $18,000 of that are legal fees. Again can't help but laugh. Maybe you should have thought twice about fighting Max in court as to whether he can have his daughter for Father’s Day, or a week in the summer or whether I or his Mother can pick up Jessie when he is unavailable as she quite frequently does on her end. Or the fact that he gave you TWO offers to settle over the past two years and you flat out refused to read them. Sorry, I am failing to feel sorry for you.  And to top this debt off, apparently her puppet friend Beth is moving out. And well, she owns half the house and that means needing to buy her out. Oh, the grass wasn't so green on the other side eh?  Your little fantasy world didn't pan out. And now you have to pay the price.

So what does all this mean? You are 30 some years old.  You have a $30,000 debt. You need to find money to buy out your former puppet friend. But you have no credit and the bank won't give you a dime. You can't co-own a home on your own so you need to request from the bank that your parents co-sign. They won’t do that also. You will likely never make a salary to independently, self-sufficiently live on your own, so I am guessing the new boyfriend will soon become the next money train.  You have no retirement savings.

Really, you have nothing. No money. No credit. No savings. No plans financially for the future. No happiness. Anxiety and worry over your need for control. Jealously and resentment. Spite.

Your Karma is much bigger than I ever thought.  Smile.