The Bully

The classic bully is a prime example of the narcissist. The bully is a person who fulfills their own needs primarily by charm or intimidation. To the outer world this person may appear incredibly assertive, confident, charismatic, powerful and self-assured. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Narcissism is a condition of insecurity. Narcissists feel desperately unloved and unacceptable. An individual with NPD intrinsically believes they are worthless and fears other individuals will discover the truth: that they feel powerless.

Thus the narcissist invests a great deal of energy into ‘gaining the upper hand’, to hide feeling vulnerable, insecure and broken. When they are getting what they want, the charm is flowing and plentiful. When the charm doesn't work the intimidation begins.

Narcissists have a lack of empathy regarding how their insecure, aggressive and damaging behaviour affects the world around them.

Source: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

When I talk to Caden about bullying behaviour I explain that bullies are deep down sad and unhappy with themselves and their bullying is their attempt to feel powerful and important.  I talk to him about walking away, ignoring them. And if the behaviour continues, talk to a teacher or adult.  Seems easy enough right?

Wish it was that easy to "practice what I preach". When it comes to the Dragon bullying Max or I, or witnessing her bully her own daughter Jessie with her sacrificial lamb efforts, I try to remember that she really can't help herself - she is miserable and this is her way of "gaining the upper hand" and attempting to make herself feel better. In essence, we are her punching bag. We can't take it personally. We just need to be the better person by not reacting back. 

But honestly, it would be much easier on everyone if she would just go get some psychotherapy!! 

Divorcing a Narcissist

"In divorce proceedings, narcissistic parents will seek sole physical and legal custody of children during a divorce even if prior to the separation they were not involved parents. Even after the separation, they may care little about parenting but rather their own selfish personal pursuits. But it is important to them to appear to be the better parent. Also, if they have sole physical and legal custody of the children, it gives them another way to continue to control and abuse their former spouse.

Narcissists will also use visitation/access as a means of control and harassment. They will control who and when will care for the child, and often that does not involve the use of the former spouse even when clearly the child would benefit from more involvement of the other parent. Narcissists may refuse to accommodate the spouse’s requests for more access even when the requests are very reasonable, the child is requesting more time, and the requests would benefit the child. The narcissistic parent cares little about the child’s interests and more about their own personal pursuit for control."

Adapted from: Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline Narcissistic Personality Disorder

If I didn’t know better, I would think they had been following the life of the Dragon.

The sacrificing of the lamb (Jessie) started quite early after physical separation. When Max and Carmen discussed access to Jessie before she left the marital home with their daughter, it was agreed that Max could have her two overnights per week and alternating weekends. They hadn’t discussed holiday sharing, but this was a reasonable time sharing Max felt for now until a more final agreement could be reached. Well, enter me. And enter in Carmen’s hate and resentment towards me. Suddenly access was measly 4-hour visits once to twice a week and alternating weekends. Start of the excuses as to why Jessie can’t spend more time with her Dad. “Jessie needs a routine; Jessie needs to be in her own bed during the week; Jessie misses me when she is gone.” Than they became more desperate: “Jessie has been wetting the bed, I think she is stressed about not being with me.”  Funny, because she has NEVER wet the bed at our house, wonder where she is feeling the stress? 

Do you think we are all stupid?  You send Max a text saying you will do everything in your power to keep “Ho” out of Jessie’s life and somehow you expect everyone to believe you have concerns about Jessie’s wellbeing away from her “absent” Mother.  Funny how Jessie is enabled to have repeated overnight sleepovers at her maternal grandma's but can't at her own fathers - claiming "she needs to be in her own bed on school nights". 

After several months, Max gets nowhere in having Carmen agree to more meaningful time with his daughter. There would be days she would be angry with Max for one reason or another –and his access would be denied. There would be days he would be off work and her at work – and she would not allow for him to see his daughter – stating “her routine is to be with my Mom”. No, you fear her getting too close to Max or heaven forbid, spend any time with me. So better to just keep her under close guard by your own family Dragon.

Frustrated by the denials, the uncertainties, Max asked me about what my ex and I did to settle our matters. Looking back now, that was not a fair question to ask as there is no comparison. My ex and I are sane, reasonable, understanding, empathetic people. She lacks all of the above.  But regardless, I shared my story.

Mine was simple – sat down at the kitchen table, drank a pint of beer and drafted up an agreement. Brought it forward to a lawyer we each independently hired to protect ourselves, had it written up, and signed and all was well.  $1500 each.  Nothing written in stone, but an agreement that we each walked away with feeling that our interests were protected. No unknowns. Some assurance. Peace. Closure.

Enter in lawyer for Max. At the time he felt he had no choice. He missed his daughter tremendously and he wanted more meaningful time with her. He wanted to have the assurance that I felt knowing what laid ahead for holiday and summer time-sharing etc. He didn’t want to feel like he was always at Carmen’s disposal – if she was in good spirits – he would get to see Jessie; if she was angry, he may not.  His only other choice was to throw his hands up in the air and say – you tell me when I can see my daughter and I will bow down and thank you for your generosity. Believe me, those words have come out of her mouth: “Max, you should be grateful I give you as much as I do, most Dads don’t get the time you do”. Oh I am sorry, didn’t realize he needs to be grateful that he gets time with his daughter, because last I checked, she was half his. Pretty sure the birth registration says so.

Papers served: requests for meaningful access, nothing outrageous. But Ouch! The fire from the dragon’s mouth could be felt across the small town. No one contests the Dragon; no one attempts to take control away from her. How dare he? He will pay the price. 

She goes for sole physical and legal custody, an attempt to take ALL control away from Max. The paperwork to support her request paints this beautiful picture of a Mother who has done everything and anything for her daughter from the beginning. The picture of Dad is one of an absentee, uninvolved deadbeat. You got to be kidding me. This is coming from the “parent” that has repeatedly said in public she should have just had another dog (instead of a child). I guess she needs to be reminded that she was off gallivanting with another woman for 2 years, absent from the home, while Max parented Jessie. This is the “parent” that spends more time caring for herself and her extra-curricular activities than her own daughter. But for some reason she think she needs sole custody?

She lays out a request for a limited bare access schedule, more limited than the one that she currently dictates.  They live in the same city. He wants to be an involved parent. And he is great at it. Not like many of a father that could care less how often they see their kids.  

To top it off, up until this point Max was paying child support, well prepared to adjust this amount yearly based on his previous year’s income. Well her greed and her self-admitting desire that “ho” does not get any ounce of his money, she went for the gusto, requesting a total of $4000.00 per month in child and spousal support. Max worked out West for 5months, a short term contract he hoped would help him gain experience to further his career. While it may have done so, it also temporarily inflated his income. Cha-ching! She saw dollar signs when she saw his previous year’s income and she went for the throat. Problem was, now that he was back working in town, he wouldn’t be making even remotely close to what he was making out West. She didn’t care. He would pay no matter what state he ended up in.   She will claim she is "entitled to this", another characteristic of narcissists (entitlement and self-pity attitude).  

There are many problems that need to be resolved in the family law system, but one of them is around setting temporary orders with no defined follow up plan. While Max was temporarily ordered to pay a lot less than she was requesting, it ended up still presenting a hardship for him several times over the 2+ years following. There were times work was minimal and he was sent home, making less than $100 per week. Then there were periods of time he was unemployed. But he still had to find the money to pay her, while she lived the life of luxury with her partner, renovating her kitchen and traveling to the Dominican Republic.  My only means of sanity was suggesting to him that he was paying for TWO dependents – Dragon and Jessie – since Dragon was so pathetically dependent on him financially as she lacked the skills and assiduous nature to support herself.

Somewhere in the middle of all these legal proceedings Max came to me in tears and said he was exhausted, so much money has been spent, and he didn’t know what he should do – should he just throw in the towel. My only advice was – look ahead 10 years, you want to have no regrets, you want to be able to look Jessie in the eye and say you fought for her. Can you say that now?  His answer at that point was no. He couldn’t give up just yet. Jessie deserved the fight. He would have no regrets over money spent, but would over not doing what he could to secure more meaningful time with his daughter.

Moving ahead two years I have come to realize as has Max that there is NO reasoning with someone that is unreasonable. So you could say he has spent thousands of dollars and precious time and energy trying to get an uncooperative, unreasonable, non-empathetic person to empathize and cooperate in coming to a reasonable access agreement.  Does that seem reasonable?

Max was presented with two options. Surrender and let her dictate everything and everything when it came to access to his daughter and live with her control and minimization of time with Jessie. Or two, fight for what he sees as just, but expect a hard battle. Narcissists DO NOT like to lose.  But with choice two, you can look back with no regrets. You tried.  

Count your Blessings

I have been through separation. I know how emotional it can be. I had to grapple with the reality that my ex-husband had a new partner and she will now be part of Caden's life.   But the difference between me and how the Dragon have handled post-separation is my ability to rationalize and empathize, two things she is incapable of doing. She also harbors so much resentment and a toxic need for control, clouding her ability to see things in any other way but hers. 

After 8 months of Max and I dating, he asked if Caden and I would like to come with him to watch Jessie`s gymnastics. I was pleased to be invited, and Caden was super excited to go watch. However when Dragon got wind of me going she was not so pleased. The minute she spotted me she gave Max a mouth full and stormed out of the building. Immediately the text messages to me flooded in:

u just had to come didn’t u. Wanted jessie 2 see us together...f** nerve

stop gettn in between our parentin...b the big one and back off would ya

Let max and i work this out our way...shut ur mouth skunk.

I can understand that it is difficult to accept a new person into your child`s life. But in no way is it acceptable to make such a scene in front of your daughter and attempt to intimate the person with unwarranted text messages. But again, here I am trying to understand one`s rationality when there is no rationality. The rest of the day text messages came flooding in to Max:

I want peace...and don’t feel comfortable with the ho around. Sorry she started it.

Started what? Remind me again what it is I started? Because last I checked you have been harassing me from day 9 of dating max? And last I checked I have not responded once to your rage

Max suggested that she needed to get used to it all eventually and her response: i will NEVER get used to it.

She has stuck to those words for sure!

A few weeks later I get another flood of text message from Dragon after she was all irate with Max that he didn`t take Jessie to the emergency room when she carefully instructed him to – for the cold she had.  Apparently she thought I had something to do with that decision. She went on a rant about how I needed to mind my own business and butt out of the parenting of Jessie. She made it very clear that day that she possessed Jessie and would do everything in her power to seclude me:  U can have Max, he is leftovers, but jessie she is mine AND WILL NEVER BE URS GIRAFFE NECK

Once again, your clever use of animal analogies is quite comical, from ho to skunk to giraffe. What will be next?  

All this turmoil created by Dragon has made me really think about Caden and what it is I want for him. I have been asked how I have been so accepting of my ex-husbands new partner.  What is important to me when it comes to my son Caden is that he is happy. His Dad’s new partner is good to him and cares for him, something my ex has promised to me. I am able to count my blessings and see what matters. I have enough security in my parenting and faith in my love and relationship with Caden that I do not fear her replacing me in any fashion. She will only further enrich Caden’s already enriched life. For that, I am thankful for.

It became very clear to me early on that the Dragon looked at Jessie as her possession that she had anxiety over sharing and that she would do anything and everything to prevent me from having a relationship with her. It was also evident that she was insecure about my involvement and how Jessie may grow close to me.

Apparently Carmen is unaware of the unconditional love children have for their parents. She also fails to see how enriched Jessie is having me and Caden and now Blair in her life. 

Being off on maternity leave for a year I have watched a few Dr. Phil and Intervention episodes! Some of these people who struggle with drug and alcohol abuse have come from families where the father has in essence replaced the child or children with the new wife, leaving the children unloved and uncared for. Or, there have been situations where the step Mother or step father has abused the child or children – emotionally, physically and even sexually.

Jessie has been truly blessed having met my family. They have accepted her and welcomed her as their own, treated her with respect and love and dignity.  I and my family do everything we can to make her feel accepted and supported. We do our best to shelter her from any adult issues namely those that arise from the conflict her Mother creates. Never once have we spoken poorly about her Mother. I know my place in parenting Jessie as I myself know what I expect of my ex-husband’s new partner. 

She is truly a lucky little girl. I know because I know how blessed I feel my own child is that my ex-husband met a woman that cares for Caden as I do Jessie. That comforts me.

I will never be able to convince Dragon that I am a decent person who truly cares and loves Jessie and would never hurt her. I will never convince her that I have no intent to replace her, as she is and always will be Jessie’s Mother and that I can only help enrich Jessie’s life.

It is Dragon that needs to see what is truly important here. She needs to count her blessings. However I am not sure she is capable of such.

Ho Ho Ho: I am back!

"A narcissist will often expect others to fit in with their plan.  The narcissist reacts badly when any aspect of his/her freedom is threatened or when his/her plans are thwarted... When a narcissist is interrupted, confronted or contradicted, he or she may suddenly develop narcissistic rage…" 

Oh boy have I seen the rage. How dare I ruin her plan! 

In December 2010 my life as I thought I knew it was turned upside down once again.

Max was flying out to Alberta to return to work. I send him a text asking that he give me a call when he arrives. I don't get a return call. Later that evening I get an email from him. I couldn't believe what I was reading. He wants to break up, that he needs time to think, has too much on his mind etc. I fell to the ground, emotionally distraught, confused, immediately feeling lonely and lost. Where did this come from?

I struggled for weeks trying to understand why he did this. Where did this come from as I did not see this coming? I fished for answers from his mom and brother. They too were confused by it all, but they reassured me that all would be okay, as did my family. What's meant to be will be. But emotionally I was destroyed.

Stepping ahead weeks later I finally get the answer. She had asked him back. When he was home from working out West in late November, she asks to talk to him. Apparently she claimed she made a mistake and she wanted him back, and that Beth would be "kicked to the curb if you took me back". She went on about how she would do better at being a wife. And she used the Jessie card of course “she needs us to be together”.

Anyone that knows Max knows he is a family man. He would do anything to save his family even if that meant living a life of misery.

I couldn't believe that he was even considering it. After all the turmoil she has creating in trying to sabotage our relationship, all the refusals for him to see Jessie - using her as a pawn to get her revenge against me and him and our relationship.  Not to mention her affair and how she flaunted it in his face by having her lover over to the home while he was there, having her sleep in the room next to his. Has he gone crazy?

After a couple weeks, I get a phone call from Max. He wanted to talk. He said he felt so torn. He loved me so much, but he felt he needed to save his marriage. He broke down in tears. I told him I would be right over.

We sat down that afternoon and I told him that as a "friend" I felt obligated to guide him. I suggested he really needed to think long and hard about what he wants and why he would go back to Carmen. In my head I was thinking this guy is crazy if he goes back to her. But I tried to remain as neutral as I could and helped guide him through a thought process.

I grabbed a piece of paper and at the top I wrote on the left side "what I love about her" and the right side "what I despise about her". I drew a line down the middle of the page.

"Let's start with what you love about her" I said.  He sat there staring blankly at me. "Jessie" he said. I clarified for him..."you love being a family"; "you would miss spending time daily with Jessie".  He nodded, "and I worry that she will refuse for me to see her, that she will take her away from me" he added.

"Ok, what else do you love about her?" I probed.  Again after a couple minutes he added "hanging out with her family".  Again I clarified, "you love belonging to a family and you feel you get along well with her family". Again he nodded.

I than asked, what it is he loved specifically about Carmen and his life with her. Several minutes later he could not give an example. "All I can think about is what I don't like about her".

I suggested we move to that column. He belted out his list of dislikes. The list went on.

At the end of the exercise I asked him what he saw. "Not much I like about her eh?" We laughed. I added, "I also see that what you do like about her has nothing to do with her specifically, it is about the element of family".

I than told him what my sister said to me when I was coming to a cross road in my former relationship. She reminded me that Caden was young and that he needs me now. But in 10 years from now when he is independent and is out with his friends and he doesn't "need" me as much and isn't around as much, how did that make me feel? I thought for a few minutes and replied..."very lonely".  

I suggested that Max think long and hard about WHY he would be going back to Carmen and if he did, what he would need to make the relationship healthier and do you think she is capable of that? And in 10 years, when Jessie is grown and more independent, how do you imagine you will be feeling?

I left and told him to not be in contact with me, that he had some thinking to do.

A week passes and I get a text from Max. I miss you. Can we talk? He had made up his mind. He knew who he wanted to be with - and that person was me.

We decided to keep our relationship quiet so not to stir the Dragon. For the next two weeks that he was home from the West we snuck around like two little school kids.  Till one day we were caught by one of many of the Dragon's puppets - her sister.

I stayed the night at Max's, my car in his driveway. Apparently Dragon's sister was on her way to work and immediately text Carmen to tell her that my car was there.

He instantaneously got a text from Dragon. Apparently she felt it was her business to know if we were back to together. She adds to her text "Nicole will NEVER be part of Jessie's life...I will do what I can to keep her away". 

That day Dragon decides to let her Facebook world know that I was back in the picture.

Her post: just when I thought Christmas was done........nope HO HO is back......lol

This was just another example of the Dragon’s maturity.  But I will admit, clever. It made me laugh. 

As an aside, I later find out from a friend that she has a friend that works with the Dragon. Apparently she walks around her place of work calling me "Ho", so much, that she had no idea what my true name was. Again, this is coming from a 30 year old woman.

As she promised that day in her text to max, she has tried to keep me away and shelter me from Jessie's life. She has denied me the ability to pick up Jessie from school or her home; she has freaked out on Max if she finds out I had Jessie in my care while he goes off to a meeting for an hour; she as invited Caden and Max to Jessie's birthday party but not Blair or myself as "she is not welcome"; she has told Max after Jessie goes to a hockey game that she wouldn't have allowed her to go if she knew "ho was going"; she has told Jessie I am mean. The list goes on. These attempts at alienation are her way of getting her revenge and her means of living out her anger and jealousy. It is toxic but it is pure Dragon.

Looking back now, I understand why she hates me so much. I have what she wanted back.  She even said to Max the day they spoke that she knew of others girls in town that left and their husband's take them back. She thought she could test the waters and if she wasn't happy with it all, he would take her back. And had I not entered into the picture, I believe he would have. She has always had control over him and she knew he would take her back. But I barred that from happening.  I was an obstacle in her way.

Well from that day forward her hate for me only grew. No one crosses the Dragon. She herself has said “I never lose”. She loves control and loves and needs things to be HER way. And I took from her what she thought she could so easily get back. She lost some of her control and she would make me pay. 

Karma is a bitch isn’t it Dragon. You got a piece of your Karma...enjoy. 

How a 5 year old puts a smile on an adult face

It is really hard to sit back and watch your loved one be tortured emotionally.  I have witnessed so many tearful moments with Max and each and every time my heart breaks. The one day that strikes me the most was the day that not only my heart broke, but Caden's too.

Max had presented an Offer to Settle to Dragon through his lawyer to hers. It was an attempt to settle outstanding matters related to regular and holiday access and child and spousal support. She had over 2-months to review and send back with feedback to initiate further negotiation. With only a few days left till the offer was due to expiry, Max called on Dragon to see if she had reviewed yet. She claims her lawyer did not provide her with a copy. Tall tale I believe, she just wanted to ignore it and hope it went away. If there is an agreement she is not 100% in control, and we all know Dragon's with NPD need FULL control.

Max brought her over a copy for her review and said he would call her in a couple days. And that he did.

I was sitting in the sun room with Caden watching a movie. Max said he was going to be calling Dragon about the Offer and I wanted to be as far away as possible. Rarely is there a conversation whereby she is not spewing out her venom at him, yelling and not allowing for him to get a word in. Max will hold the phone away from his ear, and I can hear her so vividly it sends shivers up my spine. She is so rude, condescending and controlling. Listening to her toxicity is exhausting.  If I don't leave the room I feel the need to defend Max and suggest to him he hang up as he is not deserving of being treated the way she treats him, or worse yet, blurt out in the background a bit of what I think of her. I am sure you can imagine what I would like to say!

Curled up on the couch watching a movie with Caden, I could hear some commotion from the living room so decided to check in on Max.  I stand around the corner. That is my tactic that keeps me far enough away from the toxicity that I feel composed and in control of my temptation to yell out...you B**.

I can hear Max requesting for her to allow him to speak, over and over he asks. Have you ever tried to speak with someone that doesn't allow for you to get a word in? How frustrating. Now imagine every conversation you have with that person like that. That is how Dragon is with Max. I can hear him utter words like “it is just a beginning, come back to me with your suggestions”;  “you are giving me a headache”; “I am going to hang up if you do not let me speak”; “why are you making this so difficult”…

Max finally hangs up, slamming the phone down. I ask him what is going on. He breaks down into tears. Between his sobs he says that she thinks the offer is ridiculous and she has no plan to counter offer. I could feel his frustration as the opportunity to bring things to closure dissipated before his eyes.

Unbeknownst to me, Caden was lurking behind the door listening to us talk.  I suggest to Max that he goes out for a walk to get some fresh air.  Max walks by Caden, his eyes red and tears falling down his face. He goes outside.

"Why is Max crying mom" Caden asks. The look of concern on this 5 year old boys face was enough to bring me to tears. I tell him that it is an adult issue; that something has made Max sad but he will be okay.

To distract Caden from the situation I suggest that we do some crafts. Max in the meantime returns from his walk and decided to lie down in our bed upstairs.

After Caden finished his first craft he says to me "I want to give this to Max, to cheer him up". He brings it upstairs to him and comes back down to the kitchen table ready to make another. This one too he wanted to bring up to Max; and the next; and the next.

Max hung each of those pictures up in the garage. He was honored by Caden's attempts to cheer him up. It warmed his heart.

Those pictures are still hanging up in the garage. Each time I walk past them into the house I think of that day. I think of how frustrated and disappointed and disheartened Max was. How desperate he was to have closure on all his legal matters and how the Dragon refused to negotiate. How frustrated he was to sit on the phone and have Dragon yell at him in her condescending tone, not allowing for him to speak. How drained of energy he was at the months of failed attempts to negotiate a settlement. And, how confused and concerned Caden was and how desperate he was to put a smile on Max's face.

This is not the first time nor the last that Caden has witnessed tears on mine or Max’s face as a result of the turmoil that she created. But this day stands out to me as it was a day that I was very truly worried about Max's wellbeing. Later that day Max experienced chest tightness. It happens periodically. That is what stress can do to someone.

I still struggle to understand why something so simple has taken so long to settle. It is approaching 2 years and over $20,000 since Max consulted a lawyer about helping him with a Separation Agreement. It took me and my ex 3 months and less than $1500. We sat down amicably and negotiated. We each made sacrifices. We are not talking life or death decisions here. We are talking about time with a child and decisions on support payments. It is pretty simple if you ask me.

But when control, manipulation, greed, resentment, and anger cloud your judgment and your ability to reason and empathize, something so easy can become so difficult. When trying to negotiate with someone with NPD, you either give up or succumb to their dictations OR you are in for some major headaches along an emotionally exhausting road to reach some agreement.  As someone with NPD will fight tooth and nail to get what they want on their terms so they can maintain control.

Those that know you know the truth

I was out for dinner recently for my sister's birthday. I had a friend say to me..."I don't know what this is worth, but I give you a ton of credit. I am not sure if I could handle your situation."

I said thank you. But then qualify that with my admittance that I have reacted to her drama a handful of times and do have my regrets. She than added..."we are only human. You have done a better job at dealing with her than most people would".

I don't think she knows how much that meant to me. I felt some weight lifted off my shoulders that day. I do worry about whether people believe the fabrications she says about me and Max and that they don't recognize that we are the victims of her manipulative deceptive ways. I also focus so much on the times I have failed by reacting to her and how these overshadow the hundreds of times I have not and maintained my composure.

She reminded me of all that I have had to burden and really how well I am trying to cope. She reminded me that it is people's opinion like hers’ that matter.

I have always struggled with worrying about what others think of me or are saying about me. There is a reason for everything, and I think at the end of all this I will reach a point where I am so comfortable in my skin that I don't worry about what the Dragon says and who may believe the toxic venom that comes from her mouth. I know the truth and the people that know and love me do too. Everyone else is not worth it because they have made assumptions and have not taken the time to understand the full truth. I can than apply this new found strength to all areas of my life. 

Wonder if the Dragon knows how much dealing with her wealth of weaknesses is helping me become a stronger person? 

Jekyll and Hyde

One day she is telling Max she hates him and wants to never hear from again - "don't text me, don't call me...have a good life" she says as he walks to the car after dropping Jessie off. 

Than a day later she is sending a text picture of Jessie to Max. 

The list of Jekyll and Hyde moments are so numerous I wouldn't even know where to begin. 

Walking on egg shells is the only way to travel around Dragon. You never know what you are going to get. And I have stopped being surprised by any reaction - because any and all reactions is what you are going to get. Just embrace yourself for the worst and be somewhat pleased if it’s even remotely not the worst. 

I feel for Jessie though. If she acts this way with Max, how is she acting and responding behind closed doors with Jessie? I am certain Jessie has been subject to her Mother's Jekyll and Hyde like behaviour. As adults, we have better coping skills to attempt to understand and respond to such extreme behaviours. Jessie is 4 years old. How is she to cope? 

There is medication Dragon for your irrational extreme mood swings. Please consider it. 

Me the Miracle Worker

Did you know that only 15% of women get pregnant in the first three months of trying to get pregnant?  A doctor told me that.

Apparently I trapped Max according to the Dragon. I am amazed with my ability to defy all odds and plan a pregnancy to trap a man who is still married to a psychotic woman who is trying to rake him over the coals in court and continues to control and manipulate him. That sounds so tempting please sign me up.

Apparently I was able to carefully predict my fertile days, arrange for Max to be home from working out West preciously on those days, plan unprotected sex, carefully instruct his sperm to find and fertilize my eggs, than judiciously indoctrinate the fertilized egg to implant itself into my uterine wall AND stay implanted.  I am truly amazing.

I was out with some friends at a local bar sipping on water. I was standing in a group of five people when suddenly I was shoved from behind by Beth, the Dragon’s puppet. Two minutes later the puppet shoves her way through my group of friends and stands in my face saying “is that a baby bump or is it just me”. It took some convincing of two of the men standing with me to not grab her and take her outside and beat the $#! out of her.

At 2a.m. Max gets a phone call. It is the Dragon. Pretty sure can guess why she is calling. She is likely drunk and in one of her narcissistic rages. The next morning the texts to Max flood in.

“Just waiting for u to tell me that you are having a baby, no one is surprised. Trapped”

“Not good timing, why was someone on the clock? Trapped”

First off, didn’t realize that Max was responsible for informing his psychotic ex-wife, whom he has been separated from for now 16 months – the ex-wife whom had an affair with another woman and who has purchased a new home with. Second of all, I see once again you are behaving in an immature irrational manner.

At the arena that morning after watching Jessie swim, Dragon comes up to me, standing a foot away from my face, and says in front of Jessie and Caden, “trapped him...” Then she turns to Max and says...“good timing Max, you’ve been trapped. I left you 500 condoms, why didn’t you use them”...

Classy! You never fail to amaze me Dragon, once again demonstrating how trailer trash-like you are. What a good example you are to Jessie.

Well apparently the trapping story wasn’t bogus enough. The story than became that this baby I was carrying was not Max’s baby at all. That apparently I slept with so many other men, who know whose baby it is. I like this one even better. The joke amongst my family and friends became: I wonder if the baby will come out black. Did you know there truly is a small chance that this could happen?

Well good thing Blair came out looking exactly like Max, otherwise perhaps this bogus story of hers would have stuck.

I am guessing she has now gone back to her trapping conspiracy theory. Once again proving how amazing I am to defy all odds.

Dragon decided to inform everyone in her place of work that I was pregnant and post a Facebook message on her wall about our pregnancy. I would like to thank you Dragon for taking upon yourself to let everyone know about the news of my pregnancy.  Perhaps I should inform anyone and everyone about your infidelity?

People with NPD will do everything in their power to look good, to look like the better person - even if that means making up spurious stories and spreading them widely. I had what Dragon gave up and still wanted. Jealously and resentment are toxic emotions that can cloud judgment. Top that off with being a narcissist, this likens to all reasoning and moral codes going out the window.  This fully explains the irrationality. 

I let her bogus stories irritate me. I worried about who would believe them. We live in a small town, and I am a working professional in this town. How many people have heard her stories?   But in the end, anyone that knows her, associated with her and believes any of the defamations that come out of her toxic mouth is really not worth my energy anyway. They belong in the same trailer trash pile as she does. The people that know and love me know the truth. That is all that matters.                                                                               

Sacrificial Lamb

Narcissists want control – control over any and every situation. If they feel themselves losing control, they will do anything possible to get it back, even if it means sacrificing their own. Unfortunately, children of narcissists become perfect pawns to use against their former spouses.  They think they are hurting their ex. However any empathetic human knows the truth: the only person they are hurting is the innocent one, the young child.

If you are a Mother, using your child as a pawn does not come naturally. Your instinct is to protect; shelter from the storm, not throw them into the line of fire. That is why Dragon is not a true Mother. Giving birth does not make you a Mother Dragon.

The number of sacrificial lamb stories I could tell are countless. They happen so often it scares me that I am no longer surprised by it, that the tears don’t well in my eyes as they did the first time I witnessed the sacrifice. I have become desensitized. 

The latest sacrifice came this past week. Max drops Jessie off at the Dragon Den. Max is walking up the driveway to the house. Carmen bolts down the driveway from the backyard and begins to devour him. She is angry that Max didn’t return her phone call. She begins her rant, yelling at him about how immature he is. She begins to tell Jessie how horrible her father is and Nicole too. Jessie puts her head down, back slumped.  Max instinctively drops to his knees and holds Jessie’s shoulders and assures her that she is a wonderful little girl, that she has done nothing wrong, that he is sorry mommy is saying the things she does in front of her, and that he loves her dearly. He walks her to the backyard, walks past Dragon to his car and utters – you are pathetic. She rambles on more as per usual. He drives away.  Never once did he even get to explain that he wasn’t even home to receive the phone call and that his cell was left on the kitchen counter. And by the way, the call was made only 15minutes before drop off. So urgent that the discussion I suppose couldn’t wait?   

The sacrifice didn’t stop at the abusive comments.  Jessie was further punished by her Mother by having time taken away with her Father and family. The only September school overnight schedule was ripped away. Again, somehow she thinks this is hurting Max. She fails to see how it robs Jessie, how she is the true victim of the abuse.

Not the first time and won’t be the last that the Dragon abusively demeans Max in front of Jessie. How do you think that makes your child feel? This is her father. He is part of her. It is demoralizing and damaging.

Not only does she speak poorly about Max in front of Jessie, she has very aggressively attacked me, the step-Mother that Jessie cares for. The conversation usually begins like this...”my mommy said....” When this statement is uttered I generally become cautious that I am going to hear something that I am not going to be happy to hear...

“my mommy says you are mean”

“my mommy doesn’t like you”

“my mommy says you yell at her”

“my mommy says you are a big baby”

Jessie doesn’t tell me these things because she wants to hurt me. I have learned from my therapist in counseling that she tells me these things because she is confused and wants to make sense of it all. She is torn. Her Mother tells her one thing, but she feels another. No child of 4 years should feel that weight on her shoulder. You know how many times I have wanted to shout out – your Mother is a warped selfish controlling witch. But what good would come out of that? What would I achieve? Who would I be hurting? Not Dragon but Jessie. Again I am being the bigger person and acting as a Mother by being protective. Sometimes I feel more of a Mother to Jessie than her own “Mother” is.

Our duty as Mothers:  to protect and shelter. Dragon fails to do her duty. She puts her own selfish needs first. She sacrifices her lamb.

Even my own children have also become the sacrificial victim of the Dragon’s wrath.

Jessie has been told by her Mother that Caden is not her brother. We have explained to Jessie that Caden is her step-brother, that he has a different Dad and mom, but still a brother to you. She loves to call Caden her brother. She can be proudly heard telling kids in the school yard or in a public place....”that is my brother Caden”. It is adorable to see the pride on her little face. Than to be told...”he is not your brother” by her Mother. The weight on her tiny shoulders becomes heavier.

“My mommy says that Caden is not my brother...” she states with a confused gloomy look on her face. She is looking for reassurance. Please tell me otherwise she is saying through her eyes. “Yes, he is your brother, he is your step brother.” Her eyes light up.

Dragon you are evil. How dare you burden a young child with your own insecurities?

In counseling I have asked my therapist what I can say to Jessie when she comes to me or Max with obvious anxiety over why her Mother says or does the things she does.  I have learned that all you can do is listen and show empathy – ask her how it makes her feel and tell her you are sorry she feels that way and that her Mother says the things she does. Remind her that she is loved and that she has done no wrong. Continue to never speak poorly about her Mother, as she is still part of Jessie.  In essence, protect and shelter her. Mother her since her own Mother is incapable of doing so as she is blinded by her own narcissistic rage. 

The Meeting

I had the pleasure of sitting down with the Dragon face-to-face. Yes, that was pleasant. Sense the sarcasm?

The meeting happened almost 2 years after I met Max. When the call came from Dragon to Max that she wanted to sit down and talk with me , my heart pounded. Are you kidding me? What is your motive Dragon? Do you want to burn me so bad with your spews of flames that I leave this earth so you can gain back all your control over Max??

Stepping ahead another week I find out that apparently Dragon had a health scare that somehow motivated her to contact me in an attempt to “move forward in a positive way’ (her words, not mine).  Well I think this “epiphany” was a crock of sh** as her attempts to “move forward in a positive way” post this meeting were very meager and short lived. I suppose a Dragon with NPD is incapable of actually being positive, so what did I expect.

Have you ever had a conversation with a Narcissist? Interesting to say the least! Here is a synopsis:

• Me, me, and more me
• Rationalize everything, no matter how ridiculous it sounds
• Keep a straight face when rationalizing things that are absolutely ridiculous
• When posed with a question or a comment that perhaps questions their rationalization, change the subject to divert attention away that perhaps the other person has realized how messed up they are
• Never admit you are wrong
• Difficult to get in a word
• Don’t piss them off, otherwise you will face the Narcissist RAGE (this looks like fire spewing from a Dragon mouth)

For that very reason – avoiding the RAGE – I went into the conversation with full intent to keep my mouth shut and nod in what appears to be “agreement”, no matter how opposed I am to what she is suggesting. In essence, I planned to be a coward and nod and smile. Furthermore, there is no rationalizing with someone with NPD, so why waste my breath. And, really at the heart of it all, was a desire for peace – for Jessie and Max. So I will be the bigger person and avoid saying exactly what was on my mind – “you need medication and months of counseling my Dragon friend!”

She and I sat in my living room, with Max a short beckon away (“Please come help me, she is in one of her many narcissist rages!! Save me”) 

What I uttered nicely to her was one thing...what was in my head was another! Here is a summation of the conversation that day:

Dragon: Are you jealous of me?

My answer: Absolutely not. I am sorry that you feel that way. I am a very non-jealous person. 

My head:  Are you serious? You are controlling, manipulative, angry, resentful, bitter, miserable, greedy, irrational and non-empathetic monster; you lie and have an inability to admit wrong doing and are pathetically dependent on everyone around you to fix all that you screw up. I could go on. You are everything I strive to NOT BE.  And more importantly, I have everything I want in life: an amazing family, a supportive loving husband, an amicable relationship with my ex-husband, happiness etc. You have NOTHING I want or need. So HELL NO I am not jealous of you! Rather, I despise everything about you. 

Dragon: “I think you think I am jealous of you”.  She begins to sheepishly reference the fact that she asked for Max back months ago and he turned that offer down. “You know...I wasn’t serious when I asked him back, I just wanted to see what he would say”.

My answer: mouth dropped, gain your composure Nicole, do not take a swing at her you non-empathetic unemotional monster. “No I do not think you are jealous of me”.

My head: Are you kidding me. Do you know what emotional trauma he went through when you came crawling back asking him to get back together. He was so torn. He so wanted to save his family, but so could not stand you. He was beating himself up, agonizing over what he needed to do. Not to mention that forced us into a short break up – leaving me emotionally distraught. You truly are a monster aren’t you?!?!  And do I think you are jealous of me – HELL YA. You are spiteful and angry that I have taken what you thought was always going to be sitting here waiting for you. You so regret walking away and hate me for it.

My question to the Dragon: why did you send all those text messages to me in the beginning?

Dragon: well you weren’t who I thought Max would end up with. I thought he would date a blond girl, young, no kids, and she would hang out as part of “our group” and we could all party together” (note to reader: I have dark hair, I have a 6 years older than Max, and I have a boy).

My answer: Well, there are lots of things in life we cannot control.

My head: Again, are you kidding me? First of all...a simple “I am sorry I was so irrational” is all I would have expected. But you are sitting here justifying why you were such a Dragon with this look on your face like “what did you expect”.  You are more messed up than I thought.

I could go on with the examples of irrational thoughts and words that spewed out of this Dragon mouth. But I am pretty sure the point has been made. No apology, full rationalization despite what is clearly irrational. That is how the Dragon “moved forward in a positive way”.  Pass blame. Take no fault. Do not apologize. Sit there with a straight face rationalizing what are completely insane thoughts and behaviors.

I am not sure what her thoughts were when she walked away that day. I know for me, as hard as the conversation was to listen to her rubbish and keep a straight face, holding back my desire to tell her exactly what I truly felt, I was hopeful that this was a step forward for us all: that perhaps we could make  efforts to all work together amicably.  That what I was so blessed to have with my ex-husband and his new partner – an amicable healthy cooperative relationship – could exist for us also.

Boy was I wrong.

Once a Dragon, always a Dragon.   A Dragon is incapable of “moving forward in a positive way”.