Yesterday I had a friend text me to tell me something my step-daughter said at a play date on the weekend. She said that she was talking about the birthday her mom is going to have for her at a hockey game, and that she would like Kayla (my friends daughter) to come. She than quickly followed this up with...please don't tell my mom I told you because she said she would cancel my party if I told anyone about it.
My friend asked me what this was all about. I told her "her mom is a f'up." A complete idiot who does not care what so ever about how she is abusing her own child.
What I so wanted to do this past weekend (when Jessie looked at me with this look of fear when she realized she had told me about her birthday party and she was strongly advised by her mother not to or else) is call that loser up on the phone and tell her exactly how I felt..."you are an abusive immature selfish mother".
But the best advice I learned in counselling is to NOT react, that is what she is looking for, and by reacting, SHE is in control. By ignoring her, I remain in control. Easier said than done but definitely advice to live by, especially when dealing with a narcissistic person like the Dragon.
After I responded to my friend and explained what must have been said in the Dragon Den to lead Jessie to this, she messaged back how sorry she is that I have to deal with this.
I said to her that someone has to be the new wife, and I am strong enough to be her.
But, deep down, I am frustrated with it all. I think my biggest frustration is that she will not change, she will not go away, that the only way to get rid of this source of stress in my life is to walk away from the "relationship" (as they in all the books I have read suggest as an option). But walking would mean me walking away from the husband I love. And that isn't going to happen.
So, that leaves me to change. That leaves me needing to work on not taking anything she says or does personally. It leaves me being the bigger person and cleaning up the mess she has left after she has tormented her daughter or my husband in one way or another.
And it is me needing to work on my reactions...with the ultimate goal being no reaction at all.
I'm getting there. I am setting up boundaries to help me with that.
For example, I have asked Max to leave the room when he is on the phone with her. Why, well 9 out of 10 times he is on the phone with her, she is ranting and raging at him for one reason or another or denying him access and giving him one excuse or another...and I am in the background listening to her rage through the phone and watching him desperately try to get a word in edge wise. Than I react out of anger and frustration, piping up and giving her a piece of my mind. Funny how she is quick to hear my voice and yell "tell that bitch to shut up" or "Max grow some balls and tell her to shut her mouth", but she can't seem to hear Max talk.
Regardless, when I react she wins and she is in control.
So, for me to remain in control, I need to not react, and to not react, I need boundaries.
We have also both blocked her from sending text messages to our phones. This is a boundary that has relieved a ton of stress.
One day at a time, one issue after another, one reaction that I have executed when I shouldn't have but to learn from. She will not change, so I will. And that leaves me stronger and better for it.
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