My Dragon Moment

Be careful not to do something permanently stupid because you are temporarily angry, stressed, scared, tired or hungry. by Karen Salmansohn

I was told in counseling not to react, as when you react she wins.  Easier said than done, but for the most part, have done well.  But one day in a moment of weakness I had a most memorable Dragon moment.

The Dragon came over to the house to discuss with Max the access schedule for the year.  I was home from work early and was upstairs hiding, waiting for Blair to wake up from his nap – at which point I planned to escape. Being in the Dragon presence disturbs me.

Soon after my Dragon friend arrives she goes into one of her narcissistic rants over child care costs. She presented a receipt for before-school child care, costs incurred on 10 separate days, from the month of December. She demanded Max pay his portion of it and now! Max reminded her that he had already indicated that he was not going to pay for before-school child care when he is available.  On his calculations, he was only unavailable 2 days when he was at work.

“You could drop Jessie off at my place as opposed to child care. It would be no extra time for you and Jessie can be with her dad as opposed to a stranger. It is not financially responsible to use child care when I am around the corner” Max explains.  Remember, Max and the Dragon lives in the same small town whose outskirts entail a 5 minute hike by car. She immediately goes into a rant over what she does on her time is her business. Exactly! If you choose to put Jessie in child care on your time, well that is your business, so don’t make it ours! If you want to be so foolish to enroll Jessie into before-school care when you have to go to work as opposed to her being with her own Father and him getting her to school,  well than you go right ahead. Clearly you care more about your need for control than you do about Jessie or about being financially responsible. 

“You have to pay it Max” she yells.  He reads aloud the statement from their Minutes of Settlement that says that she is not to incur a special expense cost without his prior written consent.  He states he only consents to pay for the portion of child care when he is unavailable. She continues her rant.

All the while I am upstairs stewing as I hear her make her ridiculous demands and fails to listen to one word Max is saying. She wants her money and she will argue her points without any other consideration until she gets what she wants. 

The next comments set my blood boiling. “Call your lawyer Max, get her to straighten it out.” It is straightened out Dragon! The agreement could not be any clearer. And more importantly, if you have an issue, you call your lawyer. You can straighten out your concerns on your dime, not ours.

At this point Max attempts to suggest that the conversation is going nowhere and how about they move on to discuss what the meeting was initially set for – finalizing the access schedule for the year.  Well there was no way Dragon was going to move on until she had her way. “I am not going to discuss the schedule until you give me my money!” she yells.

My blood boils more, to the point of volcanic eruption.

I hear Blair. He is waking from his nap. A small distraction from the drama I am hearing.  I go and get him from his bed and decide to go down stairs to get him some milk before heading out.  

Well I have since learned do not enter the Dragon sphere when your volcano is about to erupt as her flaming presence will only spark the final blow.

I walk by her and Max at the kitchen table with Blair in my arms. I suggest to Max that if Carmen has an issue with the wording in the agreement that it should be her that contacts her lawyer as she is clearly the one with the issue. She says at this point that she doesn’t have a lawyer. Well Max and I know better, she still on record does, as she still owes over $8000 to her, she just doesn’t want to have to spend another dime – she expects us to. I look at her and say “well than I suggest you figure it out because we sure as hell aren’t going to spend another dime.”  She viciously says in response “mind your own business! This is between Max and I”.  “It is my business” I respond “when it is our money that you are wanting to F*%! foolishly spend”.   There was my Dragon moment - uttering the “F” word with Blair in my arms.

And there begins the Dragon feeding off my moment of weakness. “Wow, look at you swearing with a baby in your arms, isn’t that a sight to see”. Screw you Dragon. You are judging me? You are kidding right?

“Please, he is 15 months old, he won’t remember. But Jessie on the other hand, she will remember every nasty word you have said about me and her father.”  I continue. “Well there you go. Why don’t you tell all your little buddies at the Casino about how I swore in front of my child just like you told them all about me being pregnant? And while you are at, why don’t you tell them about us losing our baby, they might as well all be updated on our life since you think it is your business to share!” That was my Dragon rant.

Max stands up and calls enough. I take Blair downstairs to get out of sight, before I do something else stupid that I will regret. Blood boiling. Head pounding. Anxiety through me. I am angry. I am disturbed. More than anything, I feel I failed. I feel regret.

Well as the counselor said to me, your reaction is what she wants. When you react she wins. She won. I failed. And she gloated in the fact that I did. We are still hearing about it. Email after email about how Nicole uttered all these profanities, and poor innocent Blair, oh my do I feel bad for him…I am terribly concerned she acts like this in front of Jessie… The pathetic exaggeration of the facts and the dramatization of its aftermath made me ill. Like you care about Blair; remember you suggested he was the prodigy of a trapping and perhaps not even the son of Max. Suddenly you care? And way to deflect your pathetic mother-of-the-year qualities onto me by suggesting I am some sort of threat to Jessie. Are you kidding me? You what to know how many times I have had to bite my tongue to the point I could taste blood in my mouth when Jessie would tell me something my Dragon friend you said or did. I always take the high road. You on the other hand???

At the end of the day, I did react, and I did so in front of my son. I made a mistake. The difference Dragon is I have regrets, I feel apologetic, I have remorse. I will learn from this mistake and make every effort I can to not repeat it. Can you say that for yourself? I would like to say no as the same patterns continue: the same exposure of Jessie to conflict, your need to demean her innocence because of your insecurity, the same need for control at any expense even if that means the sacrificing of your own young.

I know my head that day was not in the right place, my body still drained from my miscarriage I had less than a week prior.  With that said, I am not one to make excuses. I am human, and I made an error. And that I accept.

Go ahead and gloat Dragon. If it makes you feel better to revel in my mistake to minimize yours in your eyes, let me be your escape.

Dragon must have went home that day and told Jessie that I yelled her The next time Jessie was over she told me that her mom doesn’t like me as I yell at her. But she quickly remarked…”Nic, you don’t yell.”

Those that matter know the truth.  Even a 5 year old girl can see through your performance my Dragon friend.