Persuasive Blamers

Persuasive Blamers: (Blamers): Those with life-long personalities of blaming others for all problems, including their own. They most commonly have personality traits associated with the Cluster B Personality Disorders found in the DSM-IV: Borderline, Narcissist, Histrionic, and Antisocial Personality Disorders. They are preoccupied with blaming others and cannot look at their own contribution to their problems. In court, they are often able to persuade others who do not know them—including attorneys, therapists, evaluators and judges—that they are victims of those they blame, even though the opposite may be true. Given the limits on evidence and lack of knowledge of personality disorders, courts often believe them at the beginning of – and sometimes throughout – a court case. Blamers are a subgroup of people with BPD or NPD. Source: http://www.highconflictinstitute.com

Max and I are blamed for EVERYTHING by our lovely friend the Dragon.  Let me outline some examples:

v  She calls the house and screams at Max and won't let him get in a word and finally he ends up hanging up - and he is blamed for not being communicative. 

v  She calls the house and repeatedly bullies him over the phone, screaming at him and dominating the conversation and I end up barking at her in the background and suggesting he hang up - and I am blamed for not minding my own business. 

v  She calls the house and I answer and she immediately yells..."why can't you f*% let Max answer the f'*% phone you b*%".  And somehow I am blamed for being abusive and abrupt when I suggest she give me some respect when she calls my home.

v  Jessie gets pink eye and somehow we are to blame (despite her coming to our home with it) 

v  Jessie goes to the doctors before coming to our home, she is told all she has is a sore throat, she makes no complaints all weekend, goes back to her mom's and over 24 hours later she takes her to the doctor and she is diagnosed with Scarlet Fever - and somehow we are to blame.

v  She harasses me for months and I warn her several times to leave me alone and she persists, and I finally call the police - and somehow I am to blame that she could have been charged and lose her driver’s license 

v  She treats Max, me, our children, and Max and my family with disrespect for years, and she suggests she can’t understand why everyone hates her - we are to blame?

v  I ask her why she hates me so much and she says "because you are not what I expected Max to end up with - you are not blond and young." - I am to blame?? 

v  She over and over causes some ruckus and Max reports it to his lawyer - and her response "stop telling on me, I get in trouble" - Max is to blame for your punishment? 

The list could go on and on and on. No ownership. No accountability. Always the victim. Never at fault. Always blaming.  Pathetic. 

Take a long hard look in the mirror Dragon. You are to blame. 

Conversation with the Reasonable vs. The Unreasonable

"The biggest problem with narcissists is that they can never see fault in themselves, yet find it overwhelmingly easy to find it in others." Source

Reasonable people can reason. They can see they are not perfect and no one is. Reasonable people can admit wrong.  Reasoning with the unreasonable is like banging your head against a brick wall. In both cases you end up with the same agonizing headache!

Conversation with the Reasonable

I picked up Caden one night after a few days at his Dads. His eye was closed tight as it hurt to look at the light. It was watering. His Dad said they were camping this weekend and he thinks he may have scratched it. I responded reasonably saying that I would keep an eye on it.

Next morning, Caden wakes up and his eye is still bothering him. I decided to contact my eye doctor to get their opinion. They told me they could see him that afternoon. I brought him in and it turns out that he had a bacterial infection. The doctor prescribed eye drops and scheduled some follow ups.

I called Caden's Dad and gave him the update. Not to pass blame on to him, but to communicate with him how our son was feeling. Caden's Dad at that point informed me that unfortunately the water they were swimming in at the camp ground did look murky and he questioned perhaps if he got it from the water. He apologized and indicated he felt bad this occurred. I suggested perhaps the water could be a cause, but "these things happen, no worries". Caden's eye improved in a couple days.

Conversation with the Unreasonable

It is Friday night of Max's weekend. We notice soon after Jessie arrives that her right eye is pink and a bit goopy. No pain, just a bit itchy. Look like pink eye. We call the pharmacist at our local pharmacy, describe her symptoms, and he suggests an over the counter drop. The pharmacist’s recommendation was to monitor and if there is no sign of improvement in one or two days to consult a doctor.

Her symptoms improved.

Jessie goes home to the Den. Max explains the scenario. No comments from the Dragon at the time. All seems well. Within 10 minutes of being home, Max gets a call. It is the Dragon on another rant declaring how terrible of parents we are and that she is some super mom as she "takes care of her child when she is sick".

Max suggests that Jessie likely will have to stay home from school tomorrow and that he is off work and Dragon is working so he would like to have her. No, "she will stay with my mom".

Step ahead 28 hours later. Phone call comes in at 10:25p.m.  No message, but from the Dragon's cell. We were in bed.

Next day a text comes through at 5:25p.m. It is a picture text of Jessie: a close up of her eye, looks like she had a hemorrhage. The message - "this is why I called last night..."

Max calls. No answer. He continues to call for the next 4 days with no responses or call backs.

Purpose of the call at 10p.m. and the picture text - to try to hurt, to rant and to pass blame..."look what you have done"

We never got the prognosis. But I can sure as hell guess we will be blamed for it. Even though I have now consulted two doctors and a nurse friend about the whole scenario and they reassure me that Max and I did exactly what they would have done with their children. They suggested that the hemorrhage is either unrelated or due to Jessie rubbing her eye aggressively.

In essence, you can't take anything the Dragon does or says personally. And there is no sense trying to explain to her as she will not hear you. She has her opinion as unreasonable as it is. There is no reasoning with the unreasonable.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201201/dont-try-reason-unreasonable-people

Diverting Blame

Driving home today, another "mother of the year" moment came to me. It's the ones that affect Jessie so directly that bother me so much. 

This incident came the day the Dragon was served her affidavit and supporting legal documents from Max for an upcoming court session whereby his lawyer was trying once again to settle matters that she refused to settle on.  Immediately she was lashing out and unfortunately put Jessie in the cross fire.   

Within the paperwork there was a lot of concerns presented to the court with regards to Carmen's parenting namely putting Jessie in the middle of adult conflict. There was some notes with regards to some things Jessie has suggested her mother has said about me, including the nick name "Nasty Nicky". A name apparently she uses in front of Jessie repeatedly. 

Max dropped Jessie off shortly after 8p.m. At 8:15pm the phone rings and it is Jessie.  Max spoke briefly with her but than could hear the Dragon in the background saying "Tell Dad I don't call Nic "Nasty Nicky"...that you do". 

Jessie went silent. Than she apprehensively says, "no". Max immediately pipped in to protect Jessie and said to her that she didn’t have to say anything that she knows is not right. She responded, “see Mom, Dad is right”. Max told Jessie he had to go, an attempt to diffuse the situation. 

The phone rings again at 8:57pm from the Den. It was Jessie asking if she could talk to me. Max asked why and she responded that she wanted to say sorry for calling me Nasty Nicky.  He once again told her that she doesn't need to say anything as dad knows the truth. As the phone was again on speaker, Max could hear Carmen in the background saying "you say it Jessie, say it"....repeatedly.  

Max then directed the conversation to Carmen and said "Jessie doesn't need to be involved in this Carmen, this is an adult conversation".  Max said he could hear her mom laughing, almost cackling, in the background. He reassured Jessie that he loved her and told her he needed to go.

I was driving home today, another "Mother of the year" moment came to me. It's the incidents that affect Jessie so directly that bothers me so much.

The episode that came to mind was the day the Dragon was served her affidavit and supporting legal documents from Max for an upcoming court session – another attempt by his lawyer to settle matters that she refused to settle. Immediately she lashed out and unfortunately put Jessie in the cross fire.   

Within the paperwork there were a lot of concerns presented to the court with regards to Carmen's parenting, namely putting Jessie in the middle of adult conflict. There were some notes with regards to some things Jessie has suggested her Mother has said about me, including the nick name "Nasty Nicky", a name apparently she uses in front of Jessie repeatedly. 

Max dropped Jessie off shortly after 8p.m. At 8:15pm the phone rings and it is Jessie.  Max spoke briefly with her but then could hear the Dragon in the background saying "Tell Dad I don't call Nic ‘Nasty Nicky’ that you do". 

Jessie went silent. Then she apprehensively says, "no I don’t Mom". Max immediately interrupted to protect Jessie and said to her that she didn’t have to say anything that she knows is not right. He then told her that he had to go, an attempt to diffuse the situation. 

The phone rings again at 8:57pm from the Den. It was Jessie asking if she could talk to me. Max asked why and she responded that she wanted to say sorry for calling me Nasty Nicky.  He once again told her that she doesn't need to say anything as Dad knows the truth. As the phone was again on speaker, Max could hear Carmen in the background saying "you say it Jessie, say it"....repeatedly.  

Max then directed the conversation to Carmen and said "Jessie doesn't need to be involved in this, this is an adult conversation".  Max said he could hear her mom laughing, almost cackling, in the background. He reassured Jessie that he loved her and told her he needed to go.

It is upsetting that Jessie was not even in the door 5 minutes and her mom is pressuring her in this way. But more so, the way she handled the situation was very immature, and almost bully-like. We know Jessie would not speak those words. If she did, we know where she heard them - her Mother. She is 4 years old. Where would an idea like that come from? Kids are always listening. 

Funny enough, about 2 months prior to this day, Jessie had told me that her Mother called me "Nasty Nicky".  I was so upset that she was name calling me to her 4 year old daughter, teaching her the concept of teasing and bullying, and attempting to alienate me from Jessie, that I called her at work. When I confronted her on the name, she immediately told me "I have been calling you that from the get-go so get over it!"

Than step forward 2 months and she is pressuring her 4 year old daughter to say that it was her that was the name caller. And in typical narcissistic fashion, she denies every calling me that name - ever admitting wrong and diverting blame. 

Does anyone else see the evilness in all this - diverting blame on to your own 4-yar old daughter? Sickens me. 

All Max and I could do in that moment is reassure Jessie that we believed her, taught her the concept of "treat others as you wish to be treated", and went over ways to deal with bullying at school and in other social situations.   We also have never and would never speak poorly about her Mother to Jessie or call her names in her presence.  As much as we despise her miserable self, she is still Jessie's Mother and Jessie deserves that respect. 

That's why writing is so healthy for me. I can get out my frustration without voicing them in front of Jessie. Therapy 

Avoiding reactions, staying in control

Yesterday I had a friend text me to tell me something my step-daughter said at a play date on the weekend. She said that she was talking about the birthday her mom is going to have for her at a hockey game, and that she would like Kayla (my friends daughter) to come. She than quickly followed this up with...please don't tell my mom I told you because she said she would cancel my party if I told anyone about it.

My friend asked me what this was all about. I told her "her mom is a f'up." A complete idiot who does not care what so ever about how she is abusing her own child.

What I so wanted to do this past weekend (when Jessie looked at me with this look of fear when she realized she had told me about her birthday party and she was strongly advised by her mother not to or else) is call that loser up on the phone and tell her exactly how I felt..."you are an abusive immature selfish mother".

But the best advice I learned in counselling is to NOT react, that is what she is looking for, and by reacting, SHE is in control. By ignoring her, I remain in control. Easier said than done but definitely advice to live by, especially when dealing with a narcissistic person like the Dragon.

After I responded to my friend and explained what must have been said in the Dragon Den to lead Jessie to this, she messaged back how sorry she is that I have to deal with this.

I said to her that someone has to be the new wife, and I am strong enough to be her.

But, deep down, I am frustrated with it all. I think my biggest frustration is that she will not change, she will not go away, that the only way to get rid of this source of stress in my life is to walk away from the "relationship" (as they in all the books I have read suggest as an option).  But walking would mean me walking away from the husband I love. And that isn't going to happen.

So, that leaves me to change. That leaves me needing to work on not taking anything she says or does personally. It leaves me being the bigger person and cleaning up the mess she has left after she has tormented her daughter or my husband in one way or another.

And it is me needing to work on my reactions...with the ultimate goal being no reaction at all.

I'm getting there. I am setting up boundaries to help me with that.

For example, I have asked Max to leave the room when he is on the phone with her. Why, well 9 out of 10 times he is on the phone with her, she is ranting and raging at him for one reason or another or denying him access and giving him one excuse or another...and I am in the background listening to her rage through the phone and watching him desperately try to get a word in edge wise. Than I react out of anger and frustration, piping up and giving her a piece of my mind. Funny how she is quick to hear my voice and yell "tell that bitch to shut up" or "Max grow some balls and tell her to shut her mouth", but she can't seem to hear Max talk.

Regardless, when I react she wins and she is in control.

So, for me to remain in control, I need to not react, and to not react, I need boundaries. 

We have also both blocked her from sending text messages to our phones. This is a boundary that has relieved a ton of stress.

One day at a time, one issue after another, one reaction that I have executed when I shouldn't have but to learn from. She will not change, so I will. And that leaves me stronger and better for it.

ER visits = Good Parenting

"I take care of MY kid when she is sick. I'm sorry you have such bad parenting when it comes to YOUR kids ", the Dragon tells Max over the phone as she rants about Jessie's pink eye. 

First of all, Jessie is Max's child too.  So YOUR child is also HIS child, you possessive freak.  Second of all, I am sorry you exercise such bad judgment when it comes to making decisions regarding your child's care. Any reasonable parent knows they should reflect on the situation at hand and decide whether this illness is something that should wait till tomorrow until my doctor can see the child or is this warranting an emergency room visit. Pink eye is not an ER obligation. Not even a doctor's visit requirement unless it persists despite good-old over the counter Polysporin drops. Pretty sure that is why they have created these drops over the counter so that doctors can weed out these unnecessary visits to their office. 

But apparently in the Dragon' world pink eye warrants an ER visit and it makes us BAD parents that we did not consider this. 

The whole weekend we had Jessie we carefully cleaned her eye and used the drops religiously 4x per day. While Max gave her the drops, I held her hand and told her how proud I was of her that she lied so still and how brave she was that she didn't cry.  She was so proud, over and over saying "I am good at this aren't I". 

She asked at one point, "do I need to go to the hospital?" A little girl who has been rushed to the ER or doctors countless times by her Mother for colds, sore throats and coughs, she is accustomed to be hurried off every time she has a sniffle. 

We told her that her eye looked better but if in a couple days it looks like it is worse, than we will call the doctor. She was pleased as she jumps up and says “good I don't want to go to the doctors!!!" 

Well sorry my dear, as soon as you are back in the Dragon Den your hypochondriac unreasonable Mother will rush you off, leaving you waiting in the waiting room for something that requires over the counter medications. 

Just as was the case the day Jessie came to our home that weekend. Her Mother booked an appointment with her doctor because Jessie had a sore throat. What did the doctor say? She has a sore throat, give her some lozenges.  Was that worth the 25 minute drive to the doctors? 

So, are we bad parents? I would like to think not. We use judgment and try to make reasonable decisions regarding our children's care. When they are sick, we pamper and console them. When they receive medications, we encourage them and tell them how proud we are of them. We don't increase their anxiety by rushing them to the doctor each time they are sick.  But if this is all wrong, than yes, you can say we are bad parents, and I am okay with that as I am doing what I think it right.

Here are some links and information on the necessity of ER/doctor's visits. I just did a quick Google search because she had me questioning my rationale. Appears I may be sane after all. 

http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/aches/emergency_room.html#

http://www.parents.com/baby/injuries/first-aid/bringing-children-to-the-hospital/

Threatening your own young

How pathetic is it that a grown woman feels the need to bribe her own daughter.

Here is the situation:  Jessie says to Max and I yesterday that she is going to have a birthday party at the hockey game, in the box. She than goes on to say "but don't tell my mom I told you. She said if I tell Dad, Nic or Caden, my birthday party will be cancelled".

The look on her face was startling, like this distressed look that she shouldn't have said anything, she may now face the consequences.  I held her face in my hands and looked her in the eye and promised her that I would not tell her mom that we know.

Next day, Max's mom comes by in the morning. Jessie blurts out "Grandma, you are invited to my birthday party but don't tell my mom, or she will cancel my birthday". Max’s mom looks at me with this bewilderment but you knew she knew this had something to do with the Dragon’s pathetic games.

The next day a friend text me to tell me something Jessie said at the girls play date. She said Jessie was talking about the birthday her mom is going to have for her at a hockey game, and that she would like Kayla (my friend’s daughter) to come, but” please don't tell my mom I told you because she said she would cancel my party if I told anyone about it.”

My friend asked me what this was all about.  I explained what seemed to have transpired. My friend was disgusted as were we when we first heard how Jessie was being coerced by her Mother. Her message back to me was how sorry she is that Max and I have to deal with this.  I said to her that someone has to be the new wife, and I am strong enough to be her!

But more importantly, what weight a little girl has to bear on her shoulders. Again Dragon I will grant you another vote for Mother of the year. You are a sure win.

So what do you do? Well sure don't call the Dragon out on it because you know for a fact she will deny and then have Jessie in trouble. So you just do your best to be the best parent and step-parent to her. Comfort her, reassure her, love her, respect her - as it is apparent that all of these things are lacking in her Mother's home.

Never a dull moment

Once again the Dragon strikes. Does anything nice come out of her mouth? Is there an ounce of positiveness?

Max drops off Jessie...says " I will likely call your mom to arrange to to get Jessie earlier tomorrow morning" (Dragon at work, Jessie at surrogate mom's, Max coming off nights).

Instead of a response like "That sounds great, Jessie would love that time with her dad, yeah just give my mom a call/heads up"...

The response is:

"I wouldn't bother calling my mom, she hates you, she won't answer the phone".

Well aren't you peachy :)

In has been almost 3 years since my ex husband and I physically separated and we have had only one minor argument. ONE! And it was a misunderstanding that was resolved in the first 5 minutes we chit chatted about it.

In the past week, Max has faced 3 separate pucnhes of negativity from the Dragon.
- a complete refusal for her to consider him as a provider to Jessie for an overnight when he was available and she was not (and may I mention she was already in his care and could have simply stayed overnight, instead of being shipped from dads to moms to grandmas)
- and two smacks in the face crappy comments in front of Jessie, on two consecutive nights

A snap shot of 6 days highlights 3 issues.

Can you imagine what he has had to endure for the past couple years post separation????

Gosh, and the 7-ish years of hell he spent with her before she graciously had an affair.

You do the math....

Don't be late or else

Max drops off Jessie 5 minutes past his scheduled time. Immediately when he gets to the door at the Den, the Dragon squawks at him about being late. And may I mention, in front of Jessie. No surprise.

First of all, why are you making such a fuss over 5minutes - there are bigger things in life to worry about. But, second of all, maybe Dragon you should perhaps ask why he is late?

Scenario: Coat and shoes on heading out the door Jessie says "Dad I have to go poo".

Max is thinking: Be 5 minutes late or allow your daughter to relieve herself? Choice: allow her to go.

Guess Dragon it is more important for you to have control over time rather than your daughters’ well-being. Not the first time she has ranted about time and won’t be the last.  She has been court ordered to not make a deal about a few minutes here and there. But as mention a Dragon lives above the law.

What part of play nice do you not understand

So the Dragon has had multiple chances to play nice in the sand box, but apparently once a bully always a bully.

Max and I repeatedly warned Carmen to leave me alone from the beginning. She ridiculed our requests for peace, suggested that it was somewhat warranted that she treat Max and I with disregard and continued with her disrespectful tactics.

After 10 months of dealing with the numerous offensive text messages to my cell and other ghastly attempts at intimidation, I phoned the police to understand what my rights were in this regard. I handed them 13-pages of documentation – records of all the texts, calls, Facebook messages and other acts of intimidation and harassment. I was told there was enough in the information I provided to charge her with a criminal offense - criminal harassment.  I asked that they not do this as I feared what she would do if I did so. The police officer told me he had to give her a warning since I had approached them with my concerns. He did so. She was told to start playing nice and to leave me alone.

In true Dragon fashion she turned it all around onto me.  What nerve I had to call the police; if she were charged she could have lost her license and then her job; on and on.

First off Dragon, if you had not been harassing me from day one do you think I would have any reason to call the police? Do you think I found it comfortable to have to sit and speak with an officer for the first time in my life?  Not to mention the sleepless nights and anxiety that I experienced after the call was made as I feared you showing up on my door step with a knife.

Second off Dragon, if you suggest that you are so innocent and have done no wrong, than why are you so concerned that you could get charged, as innocent until proven guilty. So if you are so innocent, than don't feel so guilty.

Now question for the reader, if you were confronted by the police and asked to stop with your harassment, would you continue? Personally, I would be terrified and would hide my head in shame and behave angelically.  

But a Dragon doesn’t care what anyone tells her, even the police. The harassment and insults continued.

Then, about a year later a special meeting was held in the courts whereby pages and pages of incidents where the Dragon was a Dragon were presented to the judge. His objective analysis of all the information presented:

"I assign more blame to the wife (i.e. Carmen) with respect to bringing the daughter into the conflict between the two parties..."

Translation: Dragon you are the vindictive malevolent woman in all this and you have irresponsibly dragged your poor innocent daughter into the middle, using her and abusing her.

So, you would think after a judge says this in court, which is than outlined in a court order, that you are to start playing pleasantly, start communicating better with your ex about your daughter and issues pertaining to her, use him as the primary caregiver when you are not available and stop with the ongoing rages, especially in front of the child - you would obey would you not?

Once again, if you are a Dragon, you live above the law.

Within the first few hours after the court session, with the judges words fresh in her head, she is back to pulling her same abuse, dragging Jessie away from the soccer fields, not allowing Max to say goodbye.

In the 2 months after this court session, instead of calling on Max as Jessie's father to care for her, Max estimated at least 15 examples whereby he could have been utilized as opposed to Dragon calling on Jessie's surrogate Mother - her maternal grandmother.  That is 43 extra hours of care and 3 overnights.

I could go on and on and on and on about the countless times that Dragon ranted to Max at the door when he dropped Jessie off, or the continued calling me Ho and other offensive allegations, the denials of access when she is angry or the mere threatening of no access - including on Jessie's own brothers birthday, but I am getting exhausted writing and just thinking of it all.

Think I proved my point.

No one can tell a Dragon what to do - not even the law. Once a Dragon always a Dragon; being pleasant is not part of her vocabulary. So, deal with it.

Protecting my boys from such evil as hers

Tonight I was rocking in the rocking chair feeding Blair his bottle. Looking down at him, all these positive moments came flooding over me, all the memories that have been made already in his 1st year of life.

Tonight I was rocking in the rocking chair feeding Blair his bottle. Looking down at him, all these pleasant moments came flooding over me, all the memories that have been made already in his 1st year of life.

Then suddenly my head was fogged by an undesirable memory. That of me several months pregnant hearing her yell at me over the phone that "he likely isn't even Max's anyway".  And the spewing of allegations to Max's mom and Max, and I am sure countless other people that crossed her path, that I was pregnant and who knows who the father is.

While I know the truth and those that love me do too, it still bothered me than and still does now that she could suggest such a horrible thing. That Blair isn't Max's child. This allegation was far worse that the suggestion of hers that Blair is a product of me "trapping Max" (see Me the Miracle Worker).

I remember holding my belly and thinking how Blair isn't even born and he is being the subject of  her toxic venom, that already her wrath is making its evil endeavor to hurt him. I held him closer wanting to protect him from her. I remember that day saying to him in my belly that I would never ever let her or any Dragon get a hold of him, that I would do everything in my power to protect him from such maliciousness.

It is unfair to Blair that the evil venom spewing out of her manipulative mouth impacted his innocent soul. While none of her gossip is true, and we all know it, she still said it, and he still was subject to it. I hate her for that.

She will never hurt him like that again.

I am a selfish B**** I am not a mother

So if you are a Dragon, you don't give a rats as*** about your daughter, you care only about yourself.

In the fall/winter, you sign up for volleyball not one night, but two nights of the week.
In the spring/summer, you play soccer two nights per week. And than volleyball on Sundays.

Your ex has your daughter at least a day each weekend for the next 3 weekends. But you choose to go out on a date on your one night with your daughter after you have not seen her in several days because of your personal sport commitments  If this man is worth anything, he would understand that this weekend, on this night is not suitable. It can wait.

But the idea that "I would like to spend time with my daughter" does not enter the mind of a narcissist.

And making sacrifices in your life, giving up some time for yourself, is a foreign concept.

Its all about me in the Dragon mind.

And to top it off, the night Dragon decided to ditch her daughter for her new boyfriend, Max offered to have Jessie stay with him. He had her overnight the previous and night and after school and would have been more than happy to have her stay another overnight.  Her answer was no, that she had plans for Jessie to stay with her Grandmother..."she deserves time with her too".  His response was once again..."yes but on your time when you are not available. I am available". No budge.

Dragon went to such an extent to ensure Max did what he was told i.e. promptly return Jessie at 8 p.m. to the Den- that she changed her plans to go to the early show to the late, had Max drive Jessie to the Dragon Den, than immediately drove Jessie over to surrogate mom's house - Gramdma's. The next day Gramdma was blessed with the opportunity to take her grand daughter to a Sparks event, an opportunity that Max, as the father, would have loved to have shared in.

Once again, Mother of the Year award material Dragon. Stay with dad for some consistency? Or up heave her from her father's home and bounce her around until she safely lands in surrogate mom's home - once again - while you go gallivant with your new boy friend whom you are grooming to be your next slave.

Quiz: Are you a Dragon?

Take a minute to complete the following quiz to find out whether you may be a Dragon in disguise?!?!?

1. If my daughter came home in a skirt that your ex dressed her in that you do no approve of, you would:

1. Think it is ugly but say nothing, maybe only some complaints to your best friend or partner
2. Call up your ex and say how ugly you think the skirt is
3. Immediately take the skirt off your daughter, put it on yourself and dance around the kitchen mocking it in front of your daughter, than send it off to the Goodwill as you don't see it as appropriate

2. Your daughter is away for the weekend at your ex's. You decide to call his house to talk to your daughter. He does not answer the phone so you leave a message, unbeknownst to you that he and the kids are at friends for dinner. After this you would:

1. Not be too concerned about getting a phone call back as she is only gone for the weekend and you will see her tomorrow night
2. Wait anxiously for the phone call. You stew for an hour and decide to call back again. When there is no answer again, you stew for the rest of the night.
3. Wait anxiously for the phone call. You stew for an hour and decide to call back again. When there is no answer again, you call back another 10 times in the next half hour. You than text your ex several times telling him how pissed off you are that he has not returned your phone call. You than justify the 12 phone calls in 1.5 hours saying that you were entitled to talk to your daughter as you promised you would call.

3. You ended the marriage as you left for another woman. Several months later your ex-husband starts dating. You find out who it is. You would:

1. Not care too much as you left him. You would be happy for him and hope that it works out for the best.
2. You are a bit jealous and resentful that he has moved on. You talk with people in town about this girl, seeing what dirt you can dig up on her. With this "dirt" you make some digs to your ex about this girl
3. You are super jealous and resentful as you feel no one can replace you - you may not want him, but you don't want anyone else to have him either. You dig threw his phone to find out who he is talking to and immediately start sending obscene harassing text messages to her. You even send a Facebook message to her ex-husband and post messages on your Facebook wall about this girl, even using her first and last name. You call her obscene names in public domains. In essence, you demean her for months and continuously intimidate and harass her. 

4. You ex-husband mentions that he and his new family have booked a cottage and would like his daughter to join them. It is almost 5 months in advance of the booking. You generally only know your schedule 3 weeks in advance and given that you job share, this makes it easy for you to adjust your work schedule.   

1. You think it sounds like great fun and that your daughter will enjoy spending time with her Dad and step siblings. You agree. 
2. You are not happy about this cottage get away because you worry that your daughter will love it so much and will take the attention away from you. You also love control. You make a stink about it but agree after some long winded arguing. 
3. You are not happy about this cottage get away because you worry that your daughter will love it so much and will take the attention away from you. You also love control. You make a stink about it. You tell him he should have asked you first before he booked the cottage, despite the fact that it is common knowledge that cottages require months of advance booking and you take what you get. When he asks again you ignore his communication. Weeks go on and you still ignore him. You finally drop off a note about 2.5 months before in his mail box saying that you do not agree with the week as you have 3 days off that week and it is your time with your daughter. You force him to have to go to court to request the week. You only agree to the week when you are strong-armed by the legal system to do so. Lots of money spent unnecessarily. 

5. Your ex-husband is apparently working a bit later. He is scheduled to have his daughter for his routine 4 hour weekly visit.  His girlfriend of over a year comes to pick up his daughter. 

1. You greet her at the door and send off your daughter with a kiss. It is no issue to you that she came as often you have your partner do the same when you are unavailable.
2. You angrily answer the door and exchange a few unpleasant words with his girlfriend. But then send your daughter off as it is his court order scheduled access time. You make sure you send a few bitchy texts to your ex about it all. 
3. You angrily answer the door and exchange a few unpleasant words with his girlfriend. You refuse to allow for her to take your daughter. Your daughter watches all this from the living room window. Your daughter also watches her walk away and can be heard asking “why am I not going mom”.  You make sure you send a few bitchy texts to your ex about it all. 

6. A week later your ex-husbands mom has to come by and get your daughter as he again had to work a bit later.  

1. You have a brief conversation with her before you send off your daughter. This is her maternal grandmother and you respect that relationship. 
2. You angrily answer the door and exchange a few unpleasant words with his Mother. But then send your daughter off. You make sure you send a few bitchy texts to your ex about it all. 
3. You angrily answer the door and exchange a few unpleasant words with his grandmother. Your daughter watches all this from the living room window. She actually comes out several times asking when she is going and the last time comes out with her jacket and boots on and says "gramma I am ready". You refuse to allow for her to take your daughter. Your daughter also watches her grandmother walk away to the car from the front window. You make sure you send a few bitchy texts to your ex about it all.  

7. You drop off your daughter at your ex's house. His ex's girl friend is waiting for you to pull out of the driveway so she can pull in. Her son is in the backseat. 

1. You pull out, give a wave, and drive off. 
2. You take your time pulling out and ignore her. 
3. You take your time pulling out, than as you pass by you give her the middle finger. But then when your ex gives you trouble about it you totally deny it. 

8. Your ex has met a new girl. Your daughter seems to like her. 

1. You are happy for him that he has met someone else and even more pleased that she is kind to your daughter and that your daughter likes her so well.  You never say anything bad about her; you actually try to speak highly about her, since she is important to your daughter. 
2. You aren't too impressed that he has met someone else and even more bothered by the fact that your daughter likes her. You tell her that you do not want to hear her talk about this new girl.  
3. You aren't too impressed that he has met someone else and even more bothered by the fact that your daughter likes her. You tell her that you do not want to hear her talk about this new girl.  You also tell your daughter that she is mean, that she is a big baby, and that you do not like her. When this new girlfriend and your ex ask you if you could stop calling her names in front of your daughter, you turn around and tell your daughter that your Daddy's girl friend yelled at you and is "mean". Of course you deny it all later. 

9. Your ex's new girlfriend and wife to be has a son. Your daughter has started to call him her brother. 

1. You think this is cute. She seems to really adore this boy and he is going to be her step-brother soon enough.
2. You are pissed. Who told her that? 
3. You are pissed. Who told her that? You tell her he is not her brother and don't call him that again. You call your ex and give him an ear full. 

10. Your ex wants to have your daughter’s birth certificate to go over to a kids attraction in the USA. 

1. You openly give it to him. You see no issue and actually think it all sounds like fun. 
2. You say no he can't have it. 
3. You tell him he can. Than the next morning when he is due to come and pick it up, minutes before he is supposed to leave with the kids, you tell him no he cannot have it. You love the fact that he had all these plans and you ruined it last minute. 

11. Your ex's girl friend is pregnant. 

1. You are happy for him. He is a great Dad and always wanted more children. 
2. You are not happy. This better not take away attention from your daughter. You tell your ex that you are not happy about this. 
3. You are not happy. This better not take away attention from your daughter. You immediately text your ex telling him that he has been trapped and other obscene things. You than his girlfriend at the arena and yell at her in front of her son and your daughter, saying she trapped him. You than go on a rant to your ex. You go around town telling people that she trapped him. You tell everyone that at your work and even post a message on Facebook about it. You also go on about how it likely isn't even his child anyway. 

12. You are the soccer coach for your daughter's team. You organize an end of the year celebration in the park by the soccer fields after the last game. 

1. You make sure your ex knows about it so he can see his daughter get her metal and enjoy a cupcake. 
2. You tell your ex that there is a celebration but that you don't want his girlfriend there. 
3. You tell your daughter to keep the celebration a secret. This is because you do not want your ex to know about it. He later finds out a few days later after the celebration and you tell him you had every right to do that because you were the coach and you wanted the time all to yourself. 

13. Your ex owes you some money. He comes to pick up his daughter. 

1. You remind him that he owes you the money. He tells you he will have it for you as soon as possible. You say no problem. 
2. You remind him that he owes you the money. He says he doesn't have it on him. You make a big stink about it. You make sure you rant to him for a while. 
3. You remind him that he owes you the money. He says he doesn't have it on him. You make a big stink about it. You make sure you rant to him for a while. You refuse to allow for him to have his daughter until you see the money. He leaves and comes back. You hand over your daughter and laugh and say "hahah...I was holding her for ransom". The cheque was for $67.50, well worth the turmoil eh? 

14. Your ex tells you that he has been asked to work overtime on Sunday and if you would like your daughter Sunday or he can find a sitter. It is Saturday night and he is supposed to have your daughter for the duration of the weekend. He then sends you a text that plans have changed and he doesn't need to go in. 

1. You are happy because he loves spending time with his daughter. 
2. You are happy because you had plans Sunday. You send him a text and say he had better not be lying. 
3. You don't believe him. You want your daughter back as she sure as hell is not spending time with that "ho". You show up on his door step at 9 p.m. His parents are just leaving and he is apparently upstairs putting your daughter to bed. For 45 minutes you ring the doorbell over and over and refuse to leave. You exchange some very unpleasant words with his Mother. You threaten to punch out your ex's girlfriend and say some very rude things to her in front of your ex's Mother. The police have to come to ask you to leave. 

15. It is the day of the annual Easter in the Park. Your daughter is with your ex that weekend. You assume your ex is taking your daughter along with his fiancé and her son. 

1. You hope they go. You went last year and it was fun. Your ex will love taking her. 
2. You are pissed because you don't want them having the fun. 
3. You and your partner decide to sit in your car in the parking lot waiting to see if they show up. When you see them coming across the field of the park you get out of the car and approach them.  You lure your daughter away from them and have her participate in the festivities with you. You than return her to her Dad at the end of it all. You could care less that he took her and that your daughter didn't get to hunt with her step brother.

16. You go to court. The judge clearly states in his endorsement that he assigns more blame to you with respect to bringing the child into the conflict.   

1. Well you would never bring a child into the middle of adult conflict. So this would never happen. 

2. You clearly deny any ownership over this. The judge has no idea what he is talking about. 

3. You clearly deny any ownership over this. The judge has no idea what he is talking about. Additionally you ignore the justice's order to refrain from pulling the child into the conflict and continue to use her time with her father as a punishment when you are angry and speak poorly in front of the child about her father and his family. 

17.  You go to court. The judge clearly states in his endorsement that you are to use the father as primary babysitter. 

1. Well duh, of course you would. He is the father and deserves to spend all the quality time he can with his daughter. So again this would never happen. 

2. Yes, I am at fault. I have not used the father in the past because I could, because I love control. But I will consider the judge's endorsement in this regard in the future - maybe. 

3. I am not going to do anything the judge says. I live above the law. Yes I have not used the father as caregiver when I could, because I like the control and I fear him having too much time with my daughter and getting too close with her. There will be countless opportunities over the next several months where I could call upon the father to care give when I am endlessly unavailable pursuing my own selfish needs. But I won't and I will use every excuse possible to not use him. 

Points

Give yourself the following points for each answer:

Answered 1 - zero points

Answered 2 - 1 point

Answered 3 - 2 points

Results

0 points: You are a kind human being. I am sure you make mistakes in your life, but you try your best to be an amicable cooperative friendly and empathetic human being.

1 to 17: You are borderline dragon (see below). 

18 to 34: You are a dragon. You are controlling, manipulative, angry, resentful, bitter, miserable, greedy, irrational, immature, cruel, and non-empathetic; you lie and have an inability to admit wrong doing. You leave behind you a path of destruction. You see no good in anyone, you are extremely judgmental. You love to make others life miserable.