Merry Christmas!

Whether at Christmas or any time of the year, remember what is truly important. That is Family. Merry Christmas from our family to yours! 

 

The Many Faces of a Dragon - Funny

Secrets to Dealing with a Dragon

I met with a friend. She herself struggles with a deranged ex.  And like me, her new partner is struggling with the derangement, becoming aggravated by her constant need for drama. She asked me how I handle the Dragon. I responded "it has been 2 years and I am just now coming to grips with it all". 

You have to experience something to know how to effectively handle it. Life is a learning process. Live and learn. I encouraged her that her partner will too find her own coping strategies. Patience is key, she will find her way. 

But it did make me think. How have I come to handle things? Why am I feeling so much less stressed and annoyed by the Dragon's tactics than I did 2.5 years ago when I was graciously blessed with her presence in my life?  What are my coping strategies?  

Here are some of the ways I have learned to cope. 

                                                                            

In your relationship 

Boundaries 

I have become very protective of my spouse when it comes to her. She has abused him for so long, mistreated him and disrespected him that I assume she will in each and every encounter. And I feel the need to be there in one way or another to pick up the pieces. 

Example: Phone calls - Leave the room; better yet, leave the house! 

When she calls, I feel the need to be in the room to witness her rage on him and be there as his backup. But, that leads to my reaction; suggesting in the background that he hang up, with her than yelling at him to put HER on the phone, leading her into yet another rage.  I have decided it is best that I not be in the room when she calls or he calls her.

I haven't quite mastered hat yet - I have transitioned to lurking in the hall behind the door with my hand covered over my mouth itching to grab the phone from Max and throwing it across the room as I hear her spew her fumes at him! But in time I hope to be able to remove myself completely - and feel comfortable about it. Max is a big boy. He can handle himself. He too is learning strategies to deal with her and when enough is enough, hang up. Plus, will being in the room change the outcome of the call? Likely not. Anything he says is not heard anyway so me writing down furiously suggestions of what to say on a piece of paper isn't going to go anywhere anyway - waste of my energy. And being in the room just infuriates me. Leading to a reaction whereby she wins (discussed later). So no good comes from acting as Max's backup when he is on the phone with her. So leave the room. Curl up in bed and watch some TV or read. Or go for a walk. Just get away. 

Than there comes the second step to my need to protect. "What she say, she didn't yell at you did she?"  The beginning of my worry afterwards about what she said or did and how he handled it and how he is feeling. Than this usually leads me to saying "well, you could have said this I suppose".  Max than responds "I never thought of that." Than leading me back into the cycle of wanting to be there in the room to write down suggestions on a piece of paper for him when he is on the phone with her. Reminder to self, narcissists DO NOT LISTEN. They don't care what you have to say. They only hear themselves. So don't waste your energy thinking you can help in some way. Remove yourself completely. Save your energy. And avoid any reaction whereby she wins. 

Don't ask

As I mentioned, my instinct when he gets off the phone is to ask how it went. But most often, Max has no interest in wasting any more of his energy in talking about her.  In fact, he would rather erase any memory of her overall. 

Leading me to my conclusion of setting up boundary number two: don't ask, let him offer information as needed if he so chooses. 

Case in point: when Max returns from picking up Jessie from the Dragon Den, I instinctively ask out of my need to protect "how did pick up (or drop off) go? Did she yell at you for one reason or another?" Why ask? What good comes out of dwelling up any negative? So, don't ask. It isn't that I don't care, because I absolutely do. It is that I am leaving it to him to volunteer to provide the information if he feels he needs to. If he needs to vent, let him.  Be there as his support. Otherwise, assume all was good and he is okay, whether something transpired or not. Why rehash the incident if he feels no need to. Less emotional drainage for both of us.

In direct dealing with the Dragon ex 

Avoid reacting 

When I react, she wins, she is in control.  She wants the reaction. She thrives on the reaction - that is how she refuels her fumes after spewing out flames from her vulgar Dragon mouth. Reacting drives her to another raging incident to another to another.  Only respond if a response is needed. And keep it short and factual. Give them nothing. No emotion. No words. Nothing. 

This has been a process of learning for me. I have so many regrets of reacting over the past 2 plus years. Instinctively you want to defend yourself and give them a piece of your mind - "you deranged psychotic narcissistic freak...!"  But, as mentioned time and again, narcissists do not listen; they do not care about anyone but themselves - so any words of 'advice" is not heard or understood. And by reacting, she feels and sees my emotion and thrives on it - like a vampire sucking blood from a human. So give her no blood. Let her die a lonely miserable death - I will not give her any of my life. 

You can't change them 

Just last week Jessie arrived for her overnight and she instantly said "my mom said that I am supposed to have a bath." I was so annoyed. Not with Jessie. Poor little girl was just relaying the information her Mother told her to pass on. I was annoyed with her Mother. Why put that burden of responsibility on Jessie. She is a 5 year old girl who needs to worry about whether she will wear pink or purple that day. And furthermore, thank you very much Dragon, but pretty sure we know how to parent and when to bathe our children. I pulled Max aside and suggested he needs to tell the Dragon to mind her own business. He looks at me and says "we will be dealing with this crap forever and you know she doesn’t care or listen".  

In essence, we can't change her. So just ignore her. Responding to her demands is reacting and reacting is giving her what she wants. And, ultimately she is who she is – a controlling, narcissistic and deranged individual. See each and every comment and action as part of her derangement. Feel bad for her. Can you imagine having to feel the need to be so controlling every day of your life? Exhausting.  Laugh it off. See the humor in it. “Yes Dragon Dear, Miss Mother of the Year, we will bathe your child, and make our best attempt to parent. I suppose someone needs to parent in this shared parenting arrangement". 

You can't reason with the unreasonable. So stop thinking you can! 

She has a personality disorder. She needs help. You can't force her to get help. And if she fails to seek help, well that is her issue. Than live a life of misery. We will just sit back and feel bad for you that you really can't help yourself and savor our life of happiness. 

Limit contact 

Less contact you have, less chance for being put in a position to be the subject of a rage and having to exhibit will power and strength to not react to her idiocy. 

Case in point: Max is not home. New rule: I refuse to answer the phone. Let it go to voice mail. And since she notoriously calls back up to 20 times after, take the phone off the hook. When she later rages at Max that he is so immature for not answering the phone, he can put in his imaginary ear plugs and make his best attempts to ignore her ridiculous rant. 

Recently the Dragon made a request that I not be allowed to be at an extra-curricular activities for Jessie for one year. She apparently finds my signs of affection towards her daughter "annoying". Instead of seeing these acts of affection as healthy for her daughter and feel blessed that she has such love and support in her daughter’s life, she focuses on the negative and sees things simply from her selfish immature Dragon point of view. 

Well, while I see this request as simply disgustingly selfish and immature, I need to thank you Dragon Dear as you are doing me a favor. First off, I have two children of my own and another on the way. I don't have a lot of extra time to attend your daughters extra-curricular. Second, by not being in attendance, I don't have to see your ugly face. You are mean and vindictive. Yet you put on your public persona face and pretend to be someone you are not. Having to witness that is disgusting. I would rather not have to.  

I could ignore your request as I am entitled to go where I so choose in public. But I know you, and you will subject Jessie in some fashion to your anger with that, and I would rather not allow Jessie to be hurt any longer by you. So, instead of cheering on Jessie from the sideline as I have for the past 2 years, I will continue to give her the support and encouragement she needs in my own home. And let it be known, when she asks why I am not there or coming - as she will, I will ensure she knows that her Mother requested that I not. This is just another example of your Mother of the Year qualities. 

Drop offs or pick-ups. I avoid them like the plague. Only if I am needed will I pull my vehicle into the Dragon Den driveway. And if I do, I remain beside the car and watch Jessie walk up like a "big girl" to the Den.  As previous experience tells me you will ignite into a rage. And that is not healthy for Jessie. I do what I need to do to protect Jessie unlike you.  

In dealing in life in general with the narcissistic ex 

Who cares what people think 

When the Dragon began her rampage of calling me a "Ho" and taking it upon herself to spread around town and her place of work that I was pregnant, it bothered me. I also would worry about what kind of lies she is telling people about Max and I, when the reality is, she is the deranged one who would willingly sacrifice her own child to get what she wants. 

Worry, worry, worry. For one, when I worry, she wins. She gets what she wants - my reaction. And then I am no longer in control. 

Second, who cares what people think. If they are friends with that deranged pathetic example of a human being, than I question their sanity. And if they believe anything she says, why care. They are not worthy of my concern.  Those that know and love you know the truth. Those that know and love you know what kind of person you truly are. And that is all that matters.  The rest of you - well enjoy your life of manipulation and deceit in the Dragon world. You are in for a treat. You hopefully will see the light and see through her lies before you become her next subject. 

Indulge in the karma 

As I outlined in a previous chapter 'Karma is a beautiful thing", I unknowingly failed to see that the Dragon IS getting her Karma and in fact, I am driving the Karma train.  She resents me. She is jealous of what I have. She regrets giving up her life with Max and hates me for it. She also despises the fact that Jessie loves me and is annoyed seeing me showing affection towards her daughter.  And she hates Max for it all too. That he has moved on and is happy. And I am the reason why. 

I love it! I love that she hates me. I love that she resents me. I love that I annoy her. I love that she is miserable and I am not. 

Why was I not indulging in that all along? How did I fail to see this beautiful Karma?  Indulging in seeing her struggle with her miserableness as a result of Max and my happiness: priceless.  You act like a Dragon. Well, now I know why. Choo Choo.  Do you hear that Karma Train? Makes it way easier to deal with her idiocy when you can sit back comfortably knowing she is drowning in her Karma, and her actions and words are her lashing out as a result, AND that you helped create that Karma. 

Well that is my summary for now. I am sure more ideas will come to me and I will add as I think of them. I also am sure I will learn new skills and coping strategies as I go along. Life is a learning process. Each and every experience gives you new insight. Embrace each trial and tribulation as a step in growing to be a better and stronger person. 

 I invite any readers who themselves deal with a narcissistic ex OR who are the new spouse and have to deal with your spouse's narcissistic ex (like myself) to share your coping strategies. We learn from not only experience but from each other.  Together we can create a file of Secrets to Dealing with a Dragon!! 

It's all your fault

The Dragon continues to insist that the agreement that was recently signed is inaccurate and it must be changed. She insists that there is an error; that Max does not physically get Jessie at 8 a.m. on his scheduled weekday access - she is to take her to school, and he is just "responsible" for her as of 8a.m.. Yes, because that makes sense. Well if that’s the case, than if he is responsible for Jessie at 8a.m. than he will responsibly pick her up from the Dragon Den and have her responsibly at school a short time thereafter.

Out of concern that once again Dragon is up to her malicious ways to sabotage his access, Max contacted his lawyer. She explained the whole rationality behind the 8 a.m. scheduled time: the parties, respectful lawyers and mediator ALL agreed to the time so that Max could have before school time with Jessie AND to reduce the cost of day care as he is available to care for her when her Mother is not. 

Apparently the Dragon conveniently forgets this conversation. Apparently she went home after mediation and had "buyer’s remorse" over what she agreed to. Too bad Dragon. It is what it is until a later review date. 

But when you are a Dragon, you want to get your way and you will do what you need to do to get that way. 

Max goes to pick Jessie up for his scheduled access at the Dragon Den. She rages "I have to spend $3000 to have the agreement changed. When are YOU going to let up Max?"

Perspective of a Dragon: take no blame; pass all onto others as it's never your fault. I want control. I will get my way as it is my way or no way. I don't care if the agreement is court ordered, I am above the law, and I will spend more money to get my way, despite me being over $25,000 in debt. Max should just do what I say. I have no understanding of why he cares to spend time with his daughter before school and don't care to understand. I don't think she should jump from my home to his. However, I am okay for her to jump from home to home when it is convenient for me.  

Perspective of a rationale human being: the schedule has been set, I agreed upon it less than 2 weeks ago, I may have some concerns, however I am willing to allow for it to play out and will re-evaluate at the review date. It would be silly for me to want to spend $3000 to have it changed for 45 minutes of time once per week. Not to mention, Jessie would love that time with her father and her siblings. 

The Dragon hands Max a sheet of paper before she slams the door in his face. He brings that sheet of paper home. Scribbled on it is:

$500 - mediator one

$24, 500 - lawyer one 

$9,000 - lawyer two 

$2100 - mediator two

BIG underline and total = $36,100

I laugh. Once again, pass blame, my debt is your entire fault Max.  Alright, let us now see HOW and WHY that money was sent: 

The beginning (2 1/2 years ago): 

Max is denied access over and over depending on which personality the Dragon found herself in, whether she was mad or not with Max, and wanted to punish him by taking away his time with Jessie. Max executed numerous attempts to come to some agreement with Dragon over access with no progress. She wants all the control. Max finally goes to a lawyer to understand his rights. 

Max suggests to Dragon a mediator locally: refusal. He finally is able to convince her after Max hands over to her a cheque for $2700. Manipulation at its best isn’t it. They attempt this mediator. Next day Max is told this mediator is not trained in mediation and that his agreements are always turned over in court. It was recommended that he suspend further use of this mediator.  So Max begins his search for another mediator. He recommends to Dragon a more qualified option. Of course, she refuses and provides every excuse imaginable as to why she is refusing to engage. So, unfortunately Max is forced to go back to his lawyer. 

Her lawyer one: 

• Dragon finds out I am pregnant, suddenly a request to the courts for over $4500 in combined child and spousal support. Courts deny her request and settle on 1/3 of this. 
• Dragon is not happy with the results and appeals in higher court: a costly venture that could have cost her over $20,000
• Time passes as do several costly court sessions or lawyer intervention over the following because of Dragon's need for control and inability to negotiate reasonably with Max: 1) time over summer  2) allowance for myself or Max's Mother or other designate to pick Jessie up at school or the Dragon Den should Max be unavailable 2) time over Christmas  3) time for Father's Day 4) time for summer holidays for the second year in a row ....list goes on 
• Over the course of 10 months, Max provides two offers to settle i.e. agreement that would have finalized everything – both ignored by Dragon, with no counter offers  
• Several attempts by Max and his lawyer to have Dragon attempt mediation with two separate mediators. Refusals by Dragon to all these offers. 
• Finally a private court session whereby Dragon is told by the judge she is in essence an idiot and the source of conflict and that she is not doing her duty as primary resident in promoting a healthy relationship between Jessie and her father and to smarten up or else.
• Hopeful this slap on the hand will improve the situation, nothing  changes, as Dragon is above the law 
• Dragon fires her lawyer as she isn't happy with what the judge tells her and it must be her lawyers fault, not hers 

Lawyer two: 

• Bring on new lawyer; finally someone with common sense who suggests Dragon you had better trial mediation as you are not going to fare well in court with the label that has been assigned to you  
• Lawyer charges likely over $500 an hour. Guess when you are as reckless as the Dragon you need to hire someone good to fix all that you have messed up. 

Mediation 

• Finally mediation. Settlement. Agreement. Hopefully closure. Let's all move forward. 

Let the Saga Continue 

• One week later - denials of access. Dragon not following the agreement. Back to lawyers. 

 

But apparently all the money the Dragon spent in the legal system (and apparently wants to continue to spend) is all Max's fault. 

Mirror, mirror on the wall....are you capable Dragon of admitting wrong doing and owning up to your mistakes?? Apparently not. Reflect that fault onto someone else Dragon. You see no evil. You are no evil. It's everyone else that is right?

I am a Narcissist - I am above the Law

Just when we thought that we had an agreement in writing that could potentially reduce some of the conflict by preventing Dragon from arbitrarily taking time with Jessie away when she so chooses, well seems that some people feel they live above the law. 

About a week ago Max sat down for over 10 hours in negotiation with the Dragon and their respective lawyers and a trained mediator to reach settlement - FINALLY - over issues pertaining to access and support. 

Regarding access, the agreement outlined a schedule along with some guidelines on use, namely: 

• Both parties will strictly adhere to the schedule until a review in 18-months 
• Both parties agree to not make unilateral changes in the schedule 

The point of these guidelines: to reduce conflict. The mediator made it very clear in the session that the schedule is the schedule - let it be, follow it, see how it goes, and in 18 months we can review it again. She stressed how important it was to follow the schedule and these guidelines in order to reduce the conflict in this case - for Jessie' sake. 

Well, apparently Dragon could care less about:

1) Jessie (well that we know, it is only herself she cares about)  

2) Reducing conflict 

As within 1-week of the agreement being signed, she is making "unilateral" changes in the schedule. 

Agreement: Jessie to be in her father’s care from 8 a.m. Day 6 until 730 p.m. Day 7. Simple right? 8 a.m. pick up, 730 p.m. drop off.  

Dragons interpretation: That means you are responsible for Jessie at 8 a.m. - you don't physically get her at 8 a.m. I will take her to school. 

Translation: When Dragon got home from mediation and took a look at the calendar and thought about the schedule, she didn't like it - she didn't like that she had to hand over Jessie to Max on days she is off. So, she decided to take it on herself to make up her own interpretation. Interpretation: "I love control, I lost it with this agreement, but I will take it back and do what I want with the schedule." 

For someone who is so broke, when you don't follow the agreed upon terms, you are in contempt of court - and that means legal action and more money to be spent Dragon!

Dragon response to Max reminding her of that: "I am done with lawyers and paying legal bills. Do what you want Max, won't matter."

Translation: "I live above the law. I will do what I want, when I want". 

The difference between a RATIONALE person and an IRRATIONAL person like Dragon is this: 

Max and I have questions about the agreement and some interpretation. How did he proceed with that? Did he make his own interpretation and do what he so chooses like the Dragon? No. He called his lawyer and asked if he could sit down to discuss these concerns and questions. Respectful. Following moral and civil codes of action. Rationale. Honest. 

Her approach to life: disrespectful; immoral, arrogant, selfish, controlling, manipulative, deceitful. 

Way to help contribute to the "reduction of conflict" Dragon. Once again, everything on your terms. Living by your own set of rules. Doing what you so please and when. And then she will turn around and give her sob story: Why do you and your family hate me???? 

"To get respect is to give respect, the more you don't give the less you'll get...Unknown"

If the tables were turned and Max did what he so chose with the agreement, Max would NEVER hear the end of it - the Dragon would breathe fire and inflict a burn so deep. Can you IMAGINE if he didn't pay his support as per the agreement? She would lose it. 

But once again, Max's approach to life: Rationale. Not above the law and follows agreement. Dragon’s approach to life: irrational, above the law, arrogant, disgraceful. 

The Dragon Diaries: never ending drama. Fun isn’t it. 

Another Mother of the Year Moment

We are sitting on the couch this week, the whole family. And Jessie says "when my mom is mad at me and tells me to SHUT UP, I tell her to shut her lip". 

Out of the mouth of babes!

Teaching moment for Jessie: how rude it is to speak to adults in such a way and why it is important to give your mom respect (despite the fact that her Mother is obviously undeserving of it). 

And the best part, the question of "how does that make you feel when mom says these things" and "what could you say to mom when she says this'. 

Response from a 5 year old girl: "It hurts my feelings" (no kidding!). And "I could ask mom to not say these things to me". 

And yes Jessie, than walk away sweet pea. 

Get out the Medal of Honor for this Mother of the year comment. 

Karma is a Beautiful Thing

I always envisioned various forms of Karma for my dear friend the Dragon.

v  Loss of primary residency.

v  Max being awarded 50% access by a judge.

v  A judge telling her that she is not entitled to spousal support as she had a premarital affair and left Max for another woman.

Well Karma can come in more ambiguous ways.

In a recent mediation session, after hours of negotiation, the mediator comes into a small meeting space where Max and his lawyer sat and says a comment with regards to my Dragon friend. "I believe she wasn't ready to settle up until now as I believe she is just now getting over you." She said this is her impression based on some things that have been said and events that have occurred.

Interesting that a third party, someone who has only known Dragon for a short while, could come to that conclusion. That has always been our suspicion - that the Dragon's drive to burn us with her fumes stems from her jealousy and spite. She asked for Max back two years ago and he turned her down. Than for me to turn around and get pregnant months later, well that just changed everything - she was never getting him back. I had taken from her what she wanted so badly back, what she so regretted giving up - a life with Max.  Hence why she had turned around and suggested I trapped Max - because no way would he actually want to spend his life with me over her. Hence why she hates me so much and has tried to hurt me over and over. This explains why she has grown to hate Max so deeply. Spite: how dare you move on, you were supposed to be sitting waiting for me while I test the waters on the other side, and you weren't supposed to get over me. You are not supposed to be happy, as I am not. Jealousy and spite are toxic emotions. Fuel that with regret over giving up something great. A recipe for disaster.

Another interesting comment was made that day in mediation. The Dragon went on about how she hates that I come to Jessie's extra-curricular as I irritate her and I make comments to Jessie like "I love you, I will see you Wed”. Dragon tells the group in mediation “It bugs me, she bugs me". The mediator immediately says "why is it a bad thing that she shows affection towards your daughter?" Well of course she had no comment for that. She is right. Count your blessings Dragon. I could hate your daughter. I could treat her horribly. I could make her feel unwelcomed in our home. But instead I shower her with love, affection, admiration - I treat her as if she were one of my own. And that is another piece of your Karma! The fact that I love your daughter and your daughter loves me. The fact that when you see us together and there is affection, that bugs you. The fact that you harbor so much jealously. It eats away at you.

I have an ex-husband who has a new partner. Do I hate this partner? Am I jealous? No. For one I am grateful because she loves Caden and treats him with respect. And two, I am secure enough to not be jealous. I know that my relationship with Caden isn't in jeopardy because of this new person in his life.  Being so insecure must be in itself so difficult. To struggle daily with such insecurity and fear. More karma.

I suppose I am in a sense driving the Karma train! I am the source of all these toxic emotions of jealousy and spite and hatred. I have taken from the Dragon what she always thought would be waiting for her. I am the reason Max has moved on and feels at peace. I am happy. Max is happy. Jessie loves me. She is a welcomed part of our growing family. Chooooo Choooo....

And yes, the other big piece of her Karma is $$$$$$. The Dragon is greedy. The almighty dollar is so important to her. Apparently she is $30,000 in debt on a Line of Credit. Can't help but giggle. Apparently a good $18,000 of that are legal fees. Again can't help but laugh. Maybe you should have thought twice about fighting Max in court as to whether he can have his daughter for Father’s Day, or a week in the summer or whether I or his Mother can pick up Jessie when he is unavailable as she quite frequently does on her end. Or the fact that he gave you TWO offers to settle over the past two years and you flat out refused to read them. Sorry, I am failing to feel sorry for you.  And to top this debt off, apparently her puppet friend Beth is moving out. And well, she owns half the house and that means needing to buy her out. Oh, the grass wasn't so green on the other side eh?  Your little fantasy world didn't pan out. And now you have to pay the price.

So what does all this mean? You are 30 some years old.  You have a $30,000 debt. You need to find money to buy out your former puppet friend. But you have no credit and the bank won't give you a dime. You can't co-own a home on your own so you need to request from the bank that your parents co-sign. They won’t do that also. You will likely never make a salary to independently, self-sufficiently live on your own, so I am guessing the new boyfriend will soon become the next money train.  You have no retirement savings.

Really, you have nothing. No money. No credit. No savings. No plans financially for the future. No happiness. Anxiety and worry over your need for control. Jealously and resentment. Spite.

Your Karma is much bigger than I ever thought.  Smile. 

Mother-of-the-Year

So my Dragon friend posts on Facebook a picture of her and her daughter swinging. Under it one of her "friends" says - "you are a great momma" and under this Dragon LIKED IT. I wanted to puke. Got to love the public persona of a Narcissist!

Wonder if this "friend" of yours would think you are Mother of the year when she hears you shoved your daughter in the house and told her to be quiet and stop crying when her Dad comes to get her on Halloween as promised and her Dragon Mother refuses for her to go.  Or, the fact that when you want to you will deny the Father to see his daughter - because you are mad and you can.

Or the point that you call her father an Ass and yell ferociously at him in front of your daughter while she bows her head in the car pretending to sleep.

Or that you have refused for your daughters maternal Grandmother and me, her "step Mother" to pick her up from either school or your home if her Dad is unavailable and assigns one of us to, but that it is ok for you to assign anyone you want to do so. And more importantly, that you make these denials right in front of your daughter - her in the front window with her coat and boots on saying she is ready to go, and you shoving her back inside saying she isn’t going anywhere.

Or the fact that you call me, the 'step mom', mean to your daughters face and tell her not to talk about me because she isn’t nice.

Or that you mock the clothes we send her home in front of your daughter - going to such lengths as taking a skirt off and dancing around in it.

Or that you set up every obstacle you can to requests for summer vacation or even time on Father's Day. 

I wonder if your “friend” would be interested to know that a judge managing your case could see right through your behaviour and named you in court  the "trouble maker" and advised you to start playing nice. Unlike most people who would be embarrassed by this label and initiate suitable behaviour, matters only intensified.

Or that the same judge named the Father as primary babysitter, to be used when you are unavailable, as he clearly could see that you were not being fair in this regard – but not once in 5 months have you attempted to do so - despite the countless selfish pursuits you have leaving you unavailable. In fact, your daughter spends more time with her surrogate mom "aka Grandma" than she does her own Father.  In fact again, your own daughter has said to you “you never let me see my Dad”.

Or, the fact that you are never home as you are out doing something for yourself, leaving your daughter to be "Mothered" by other family members. Or the fact that you meet a new man and decide to have a sleepover at his house and tell your five year old daughter that you are, so off you go to Grandmas.

Or that you tell your daughter that she is not to call her “step brother” brother despite being so proud to do so.

Or that you involve your daughter in adult conflict by telling her that her father is to blame for this and that.

Or that you never pass on messages to your daughter that her Father called. 

Or the fact that you smoked your whole pregnancy and now your daughter suffers countless ear and throat infections. And despite this, you continue to smoke, blowing it out the side door despite common knowledge that "third hand smoke is as damaging as second".

I am sure I could outline more examples that highlight your Mother of the year traits, but will leave it at that.

I wonder if this girl would think you are a Great Momma now.

So you think you are a 10?

I was volunteering at the school. One of the girls I was volunteering with says to me “I am going to be gossipy…but does Carmen still rate people on a scale of 1 to 10?”

There is a lot of deranged things she has done and said, but haven’t heard this one.

“That’s new to me. What is this all about?”

She goes on to say that she was out at the local sports bar one night and Carmen was telling the group how she rates people, on a scale of one to ten and she turned to Max and said “you are a 3, I am a 10”.

I clarified…”this was recent, not when she was a teenager???”  Apparently in the past 5 years she recalls.

Are you serious? You are an adult and you are rating people on a scale?  And, you think you are a 10?  Wow, what are your standards??? 

Let's list your personal traits: 

v  You had an affair with a woman. And you flaunted that affair in front of your husband by inviting her into the marital home to sleep there despite his pleas otherwise. Than you blamed him for you having the affair.

v  You have on countless occasions denied your daughter to see her father. At times, even sending him or her paternal grandmother away at your front door right in front of your daughter, telling her to be quiet, stop crying and get in the house.

v  You ship your daughter off to her grandmothers to pursue your selfish personal pursuits day after day, avoiding at all costs the use of the father to care for his daughter when you are preoccupied in your own Dragon world.

v  You bully anyone who will not do what you say. People have said they will not cross you as you are so psychotic you would boil a rabbit on their stove top. People “like you” because they are scared of you o don't be mistaken that you are "liked" by your world of Facebook friends. 

v  You have bullied your own daughter – dancing in a skirt of hers that you found to be inappropriate, telling her to keep xyz a secret from Dad or else, keeping her from seeing her father, talking poorly to her about her loved ones on her father's side, list goes on.

v  You have screamed in front of your daughter at her Dad, calling him names; you have vocalized to her that her father is to blame for mistakes you have made.

v  You take no blame. It is everyone else’s fault.

v  You are incapable of apologizing.

v  You lack empathy.

v  You are crude and vulgar.  

Really I could go on, but rather reread each and every post than you tell me, are you a 10? If so, than I have lost faith in humanity if YOU are a 10!

Can you foster a healthy parent-child relationship in 4-hours?

Max and I have never been a fan of these 4-hour visits. For the past 2 years the Dragon has graciously allowed for one to two 4- hour visits weekly and up to 4 or 5 sleepovers a month.  Apparently this is a common temporary order that judges appoint to families until they can work out their differences and negotiate a more equitable arrangement. Two years later Max is still trying to negotiate that equitable arrangement.

Who in their right mind thinks that 4-hour weekly visits were an appropriate set up for children to see their one parent, most commonly the father, after divorce? I can understand in situations whereby the one parent perhaps isn’t equipped to have the child for more time (e.g. recovering drug addiction, recent previous history of neglect). But why assign the same “visiting” schedule to a loving, devoted, stable father?

Currently in our system when parents separate there is no presumption of shared parenting.  If parents do not agree on shared parenting, a parent has to spend years and hard-earned dollars in court only to be awarded what should have been arranged initially. In the meantime, one of the parents usually ends up with the short-end of the stick, receiving limited access involving every other weekend and a weekly 4-hour visit.

The system is failing from the beginning by not starting the process routinely with an assessment of parental capabilities and what would be in the best interest of the child. And clearly the research does not support these limited access schedules.

From The Art and Science of Child Custody Evaluations, by Jonathan W. Gould, David A. Martindale, psychologists who specialize in child custody evaluations: “There is absolutely no evidence that children's psychological adjustment or the relationships between children and their parents are harmed when children spend overnight periods with their other parent. In contrast, brief nightly visits remind children that the visiting parents exist but do not provide the broad array of parenting activities that anchor the relationships in their minds.”

“Evening and overnight periods provide opportunities for crucial social interactions and nurturing activities (such as bedtime rituals and the reassurance and security of snuggling in the morning after awakening), that short weekly visits cannot provide. These everyday activities promote and maintain trust and confidence in the parents while deepening and strengthening child-parent attachments.”

From the perspective of a partner of a father who is fighting for equal parenting, I can attest to the research. The child feels like a yo-yo, bouncing from home to home in a 4-hour time slot heightening their anxiety. The parent and child are deprived of quality time to develop a meaningful relationship, but rather allotted “hospital-like” visiting hours. Max feels more like the old grandmother in the hospital whom you can visit during visiting hours, but when the hours are done, time to go home. See you for the next visit.

Opportunities to be involved in important nurturing activities like bedtime rituals are denied.  Not to mention having two other children in our household and running all three from activity to activity, leaving less and less time to spend with Jessie in a four hour time slot. She deserves more quality time to form a bond and maintain relationships with not only with her Dad, but her siblings. How is that possible in 4-hours?

Just recently Jessie said to me when we were putting up the Christmas tree, “I wish my mommy and Daddy could get married again.” I asked why. She went on to say “so I don’t have to go back and forth to houses”. I went on to ask what it is specifically that she doesn’t like about going back and forth. Jessie says “because it is busy”. I asked what she meant by that and she added “I come here than I go back to my mom’s”. I asked if it would help if when she came here to Dad that she would stay over either for one night or up to three or more instead of just visiting for a couple hours. She excitedly said “yes”, than did her infamous panting like a dog impression.   I gave her a hug and told her that we loved her and that her Dad will do his best to make things better for her.

Max had a meet-n-greet with a mediator/social worker in hopes of securing him as a mediator for him and the Dragon (no buy in of course from her!). When the topic of visits came up in the session, the social worker said that all the research opposes it as they increase anxiety for children. He drew diagram showing the roller coaster ride of emotions kids face in a mere 4-hours.

Even Caden, a 6 year old boy, asked me the other day: how many sleeps does Jessie have at our house mom? I told him around 4. He then asked how many Jessie’s mom gets and I told him the rest of the days in the month, so around 25. He said very abruptly “mom, that isn’t fair”.

Why is it EVERYONE, including a four year old girl and a 6 year old boy, can see the problem with this arrangement?

Well we could argue that the Dragon generally has concern for her daughter and sees her best interest being that she be under one roof during the school week, despite an overwhelming amount of research suggesting otherwise. But, when Dragon pawns off Jessie to her surrogate Mom (aka Grandma) over and over during the school week for an overnight stay while Dragon-dearest tends to her own selfish needs, any attempt at me trying to understand her point of view is thrown out the window. We are back to your insecurity Dragon at the root of this breakdown in a father-child relationship.

Max goes to mediation finally in 10 days. I have named it D-Day on our calendar. Because this day will be very telling: either we will see settlement finally or to trial he goes. He is adamant against agreeing on “visits” and will fight for equal shared parenting as this is what is best for Jessie. I have a hard time being optimistic that this controlling insecure Dragon will at all budge on her visiting schedule, but there are miracles.

Fingers crossed for a miracle. Or at least that the Dragon takes some happy pills in the next 10 days leading up to mediation leaving her more rationale, sane and empathetic.

Insecurity at the root of evil

Public vs Private Persona - Funny

I can keep our daughter from you...because I can

Well the up-to-know good wicked witch went on a rampage through the month of October. Must have been the approaching of Halloween that her wickedness at its peak.

Things were going okay with the access schedule. Pathetic as it is, we were at least getting to see Jessie a couple times a week, if at least, a 3-hour visit. A few months previous Dragon wasn't in favour of the "bare schedule court order" anymore.  You may be wondering if perhaps she suddenly felt empathetic and wanted Jessie to see her Dad more than the pathetic court ordered schedule allowed for. But the reality is, with Max's new work schedule, there were many times Jessie would be with me alone until he did return from work. OMG!  Can you imagine? I am the monster step-Mother.  So the Dragon dictated a schedule to Max that allowed for him to see Jessie - similar amount of time to the pathetic court order - just scheduled differently so I had no involvement. A risky venture since it wouldn't be court ordered and he would be once again at her whim with no legal back up. 

While the daily Dragon drama continued, access remained untouched. Well than suddenly the denials of access began again - one of the many reasons that Max went to lawyers in the first place. 

The first came on a Monday when Max called and asked if he could pick Jessie up at her maternal grandmothers (aka surrogate moms) at 2p.m. as she was home from school that day, as opposed to picking her up a 315 from school as scheduled.

Response: "You are not getting her today." He reminds her that he is scheduled to.  Her response: "She isn't in school, and the only reason why I scheduled you to get her today is that I am unavailable to pick her up from school since I am at work, and since she is not at school I do not need you".  So in essence you are saying you feel it unnecessary for Jessie to see her Dad and will just take away his visit because you can. 

Second denial came a week later on a Tuesday. Max called to confirm Jessie was at school and that he would be picking Jessie up from school at 315 for his visit. "Nope. I am picking her up at 230p.m. for a doctor's appointment." Okay, when were you going to tell him that for one? If he had not called to confirm, he would have been waiting out front of the school for Jessie only to be told, she isn't here.  Second, I am pretty certain Max is capable of taking Jessie to the doctors. It is his time, so if she has an appointment, he should take her.  No offer from the Dragon to take her, no offer to have a make-up night. Just no to access. Again, because you can. And you will. And you love it. 

Turns out - there was no doctor's appointment. Max called the doctor's to find out more information about the health condition Jessie "reportedly" had and well, there is no appointment that day, and no upcoming appointments. Just a big fat lie. Dragon just didn't want Max to see her that day and thought she would fathom up another lie as per usual and deny access. Yes, you could say another Mother of the year moment. 

Well enough was enough. Max calls his lawyer and says I am no longer going to go by this schedule the Dragon has created as she is not following it. He requested to go back to the court order so that he could have some legal back up. They contacted her lawyer and notified them that the court order it is - at least for the next 3 weeks until mediation.

It’s Wednesday, Halloween day. I was asked by Max to go pick up Jessie from school. He had to work. It was verified by the lawyers that this has been communicated to their lawyer - that I will be picking up Jessie for Max's court ordered Wednesday evening visit. The order was amended earlier in the year to allow for me to pick up Jessie - after the Dragon put up such a fuss on more than one occasion, refusing me to do so.  

I pull up to the school with Blair. I get out of the car, and who is pulling up too but the Dragon and her puppet counterpart - the ex-girlfriend Beth. Despite being kicked to the curb when the Dragon, after two years of using her, claims she isn't gay anymore - Beth remains the Dragon's puppet. At least until some else comes around and can help pay the bills.

Immediately I called Max's lawyers office as I was uncertain about what to do now. They advised me to stay away from her and that they would follow up with her lawyer.  Well hell yeah, I am not going near that witch. She makes me shake in her presence.  

The three of us, and Blair, waited in the front foyer. The Dragon, in her sly and manipulative ways, went up to the secretary and asked if she could go get Jessie out of class. As the secretary walks by me, I quietly whisper to her - "I am not sure what to do, but I was sent here by Max to get Jessie".  I went and sat in the office, clear away from that intimidating fire breathing Dragon.  She kept a close eye on me though as she lurked around the corner. 

The secretary returned from Jessie's class and told the Dragon that they are just wrapping up. When the secretary came in the office, I told her no worries, that I am gathering there is nothing you can do as the school would not want to get involved in these access issues. She said I was right. I sat back with Blair in the office waiting for the bell to ring. 

My phone rings and it is Max. He got a call from his lawyer saying the Dragon had showed. He wanted to see if I was okay. We talked for a few minutes. I could feel the Dragon hovering over my shoulder at the doorway. I mentioned to Max that I had brought the court orders in case they questioned whether I was allowed to pick Jessie up. She heard me say this and uttered to me in her snotty tone..."good". Back off you immature manipulative witch. 

After more parents arrived I felt more comfortable leaving the office and going to the hallway so I could see Caden walk out of class and I could get him and take him home. I sat down and talked with a friend. 

Minutes later I am asked by a teacher if I could come with her. Surprised by this, I followed the teacher around the corner. She says that she wanted to ensure that there was no conflict between the Dragon and I so she wanted to know if I would be willing to wait around the corner until the Dragon retrieve Jessie. I said of course, than added, there isn't going to be any conflict on my part I assure you hence why I stayed clear of her in the office. 

She than asked what is the issue. I told her that I was uncertain as I was sent here to get Jessie by Max and this was verified by his lawyer that day that I was to do so according to the order. She asked me if I had any paperwork, and I handed it over. Off she went to speak with the principal. I am standing there muddled - what just happened, why suddenly are the teachers involved here? 

Minutes later the principal and this teacher return. I am told that the Dragon is the primary babysitter and so she will take her.  Yes I know that. But I still have to wait for my son. Oh, “didn't realize that you were waiting on your son” the teacher says. Why do you think I was waiting in the hall? 

It all made sense than. I am gathering that the Dragon in her fine manipulative and evil ways went and spoke with a teacher and said she was concerned that I was going to cause some fuss when Jessie came out of class.  Yes, because I would do that with my two sons with me and a crowd of teachers and parents. Yes, because I am some monster. 

So a non-issue became a monstrous issue as soon as the wicked Dragon put on her public persona hat and cried concern that I was going to steal Jessie away from the school from under her.  A persuasive blamer technique at its best. 

And if you thought that was sad enough the saddest part came later. The next day Jessie tells Max and I that "mommy said you tried to take me from school" Yes, I saw that coming.  Way to involve Jessie in adult issues Dragon. 

Let the fun continue.