The classic
bully is a prime example of the narcissist. The bully is a person who
fulfills their own needs primarily by charm or intimidation. To the outer world
this person may appear incredibly assertive, confident, charismatic, powerful
and self-assured. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Narcissism is a condition of insecurity. Narcissists
feel desperately unloved and unacceptable. An individual with NPD intrinsically
believes they are worthless and fears other individuals will discover the
truth: that they feel powerless.
Thus the narcissist invests a great deal of energy into ‘gaining
the upper hand’, to hide feeling vulnerable, insecure and broken. When they
are getting what they want, the charm is flowing and plentiful. When the
charm doesn't work the intimidation begins.
Narcissists
have a lack of empathy regarding how their insecure, aggressive and damaging
behaviour affects the world around them.
When I talk to Caden
about bullying behaviour I explain that bullies are deep down sad and unhappy
with themselves and their bullying is their attempt to feel powerful and
important. I talk to him about walking away, ignoring them. And if the
behaviour continues, talk to a teacher or adult. Seems easy enough right?
Wish it was that easy to "practice what I preach". When it comes to the Dragon bullying Max or I, or witnessing her bully her own daughter Jessie with her sacrificial lamb efforts, I try to remember that she really can't help herself - she is miserable and this is her way of "gaining the upper hand" and attempting to make herself feel better. In essence, we are her punching bag. We can't take it personally. We just need to be the better person by not reacting back.
But honestly, it would be much easier on everyone if she would just go get some psychotherapy!!
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