Sacrificial Lamb

Narcissists want control – control over any and every situation. If they feel themselves losing control, they will do anything possible to get it back, even if it means sacrificing their own. Unfortunately, children of narcissists become perfect pawns to use against their former spouses.  They think they are hurting their ex. However any empathetic human knows the truth: the only person they are hurting is the innocent one, the young child.

If you are a Mother, using your child as a pawn does not come naturally. Your instinct is to protect; shelter from the storm, not throw them into the line of fire. That is why Dragon is not a true Mother. Giving birth does not make you a Mother Dragon.

The number of sacrificial lamb stories I could tell are countless. They happen so often it scares me that I am no longer surprised by it, that the tears don’t well in my eyes as they did the first time I witnessed the sacrifice. I have become desensitized. 

The latest sacrifice came this past week. Max drops Jessie off at the Dragon Den. Max is walking up the driveway to the house. Carmen bolts down the driveway from the backyard and begins to devour him. She is angry that Max didn’t return her phone call. She begins her rant, yelling at him about how immature he is. She begins to tell Jessie how horrible her father is and Nicole too. Jessie puts her head down, back slumped.  Max instinctively drops to his knees and holds Jessie’s shoulders and assures her that she is a wonderful little girl, that she has done nothing wrong, that he is sorry mommy is saying the things she does in front of her, and that he loves her dearly. He walks her to the backyard, walks past Dragon to his car and utters – you are pathetic. She rambles on more as per usual. He drives away.  Never once did he even get to explain that he wasn’t even home to receive the phone call and that his cell was left on the kitchen counter. And by the way, the call was made only 15minutes before drop off. So urgent that the discussion I suppose couldn’t wait?   

The sacrifice didn’t stop at the abusive comments.  Jessie was further punished by her Mother by having time taken away with her Father and family. The only September school overnight schedule was ripped away. Again, somehow she thinks this is hurting Max. She fails to see how it robs Jessie, how she is the true victim of the abuse.

Not the first time and won’t be the last that the Dragon abusively demeans Max in front of Jessie. How do you think that makes your child feel? This is her father. He is part of her. It is demoralizing and damaging.

Not only does she speak poorly about Max in front of Jessie, she has very aggressively attacked me, the step-Mother that Jessie cares for. The conversation usually begins like this...”my mommy said....” When this statement is uttered I generally become cautious that I am going to hear something that I am not going to be happy to hear...

“my mommy says you are mean”

“my mommy doesn’t like you”

“my mommy says you yell at her”

“my mommy says you are a big baby”

Jessie doesn’t tell me these things because she wants to hurt me. I have learned from my therapist in counseling that she tells me these things because she is confused and wants to make sense of it all. She is torn. Her Mother tells her one thing, but she feels another. No child of 4 years should feel that weight on her shoulder. You know how many times I have wanted to shout out – your Mother is a warped selfish controlling witch. But what good would come out of that? What would I achieve? Who would I be hurting? Not Dragon but Jessie. Again I am being the bigger person and acting as a Mother by being protective. Sometimes I feel more of a Mother to Jessie than her own “Mother” is.

Our duty as Mothers:  to protect and shelter. Dragon fails to do her duty. She puts her own selfish needs first. She sacrifices her lamb.

Even my own children have also become the sacrificial victim of the Dragon’s wrath.

Jessie has been told by her Mother that Caden is not her brother. We have explained to Jessie that Caden is her step-brother, that he has a different Dad and mom, but still a brother to you. She loves to call Caden her brother. She can be proudly heard telling kids in the school yard or in a public place....”that is my brother Caden”. It is adorable to see the pride on her little face. Than to be told...”he is not your brother” by her Mother. The weight on her tiny shoulders becomes heavier.

“My mommy says that Caden is not my brother...” she states with a confused gloomy look on her face. She is looking for reassurance. Please tell me otherwise she is saying through her eyes. “Yes, he is your brother, he is your step brother.” Her eyes light up.

Dragon you are evil. How dare you burden a young child with your own insecurities?

In counseling I have asked my therapist what I can say to Jessie when she comes to me or Max with obvious anxiety over why her Mother says or does the things she does.  I have learned that all you can do is listen and show empathy – ask her how it makes her feel and tell her you are sorry she feels that way and that her Mother says the things she does. Remind her that she is loved and that she has done no wrong. Continue to never speak poorly about her Mother, as she is still part of Jessie.  In essence, protect and shelter her. Mother her since her own Mother is incapable of doing so as she is blinded by her own narcissistic rage.