Quiz: Are you a Dragon?

Take a minute to complete the following quiz to find out whether you may be a Dragon in disguise?!?!?

1. If my daughter came home in a skirt that your ex dressed her in that you do no approve of, you would:

1. Think it is ugly but say nothing, maybe only some complaints to your best friend or partner
2. Call up your ex and say how ugly you think the skirt is
3. Immediately take the skirt off your daughter, put it on yourself and dance around the kitchen mocking it in front of your daughter, than send it off to the Goodwill as you don't see it as appropriate

2. Your daughter is away for the weekend at your ex's. You decide to call his house to talk to your daughter. He does not answer the phone so you leave a message, unbeknownst to you that he and the kids are at friends for dinner. After this you would:

1. Not be too concerned about getting a phone call back as she is only gone for the weekend and you will see her tomorrow night
2. Wait anxiously for the phone call. You stew for an hour and decide to call back again. When there is no answer again, you stew for the rest of the night.
3. Wait anxiously for the phone call. You stew for an hour and decide to call back again. When there is no answer again, you call back another 10 times in the next half hour. You than text your ex several times telling him how pissed off you are that he has not returned your phone call. You than justify the 12 phone calls in 1.5 hours saying that you were entitled to talk to your daughter as you promised you would call.

3. You ended the marriage as you left for another woman. Several months later your ex-husband starts dating. You find out who it is. You would:

1. Not care too much as you left him. You would be happy for him and hope that it works out for the best.
2. You are a bit jealous and resentful that he has moved on. You talk with people in town about this girl, seeing what dirt you can dig up on her. With this "dirt" you make some digs to your ex about this girl
3. You are super jealous and resentful as you feel no one can replace you - you may not want him, but you don't want anyone else to have him either. You dig threw his phone to find out who he is talking to and immediately start sending obscene harassing text messages to her. You even send a Facebook message to her ex-husband and post messages on your Facebook wall about this girl, even using her first and last name. You call her obscene names in public domains. In essence, you demean her for months and continuously intimidate and harass her. 

4. You ex-husband mentions that he and his new family have booked a cottage and would like his daughter to join them. It is almost 5 months in advance of the booking. You generally only know your schedule 3 weeks in advance and given that you job share, this makes it easy for you to adjust your work schedule.   

1. You think it sounds like great fun and that your daughter will enjoy spending time with her Dad and step siblings. You agree. 
2. You are not happy about this cottage get away because you worry that your daughter will love it so much and will take the attention away from you. You also love control. You make a stink about it but agree after some long winded arguing. 
3. You are not happy about this cottage get away because you worry that your daughter will love it so much and will take the attention away from you. You also love control. You make a stink about it. You tell him he should have asked you first before he booked the cottage, despite the fact that it is common knowledge that cottages require months of advance booking and you take what you get. When he asks again you ignore his communication. Weeks go on and you still ignore him. You finally drop off a note about 2.5 months before in his mail box saying that you do not agree with the week as you have 3 days off that week and it is your time with your daughter. You force him to have to go to court to request the week. You only agree to the week when you are strong-armed by the legal system to do so. Lots of money spent unnecessarily. 

5. Your ex-husband is apparently working a bit later. He is scheduled to have his daughter for his routine 4 hour weekly visit.  His girlfriend of over a year comes to pick up his daughter. 

1. You greet her at the door and send off your daughter with a kiss. It is no issue to you that she came as often you have your partner do the same when you are unavailable.
2. You angrily answer the door and exchange a few unpleasant words with his girlfriend. But then send your daughter off as it is his court order scheduled access time. You make sure you send a few bitchy texts to your ex about it all. 
3. You angrily answer the door and exchange a few unpleasant words with his girlfriend. You refuse to allow for her to take your daughter. Your daughter watches all this from the living room window. Your daughter also watches her walk away and can be heard asking “why am I not going mom”.  You make sure you send a few bitchy texts to your ex about it all. 

6. A week later your ex-husbands mom has to come by and get your daughter as he again had to work a bit later.  

1. You have a brief conversation with her before you send off your daughter. This is her maternal grandmother and you respect that relationship. 
2. You angrily answer the door and exchange a few unpleasant words with his Mother. But then send your daughter off. You make sure you send a few bitchy texts to your ex about it all. 
3. You angrily answer the door and exchange a few unpleasant words with his grandmother. Your daughter watches all this from the living room window. She actually comes out several times asking when she is going and the last time comes out with her jacket and boots on and says "gramma I am ready". You refuse to allow for her to take your daughter. Your daughter also watches her grandmother walk away to the car from the front window. You make sure you send a few bitchy texts to your ex about it all.  

7. You drop off your daughter at your ex's house. His ex's girl friend is waiting for you to pull out of the driveway so she can pull in. Her son is in the backseat. 

1. You pull out, give a wave, and drive off. 
2. You take your time pulling out and ignore her. 
3. You take your time pulling out, than as you pass by you give her the middle finger. But then when your ex gives you trouble about it you totally deny it. 

8. Your ex has met a new girl. Your daughter seems to like her. 

1. You are happy for him that he has met someone else and even more pleased that she is kind to your daughter and that your daughter likes her so well.  You never say anything bad about her; you actually try to speak highly about her, since she is important to your daughter. 
2. You aren't too impressed that he has met someone else and even more bothered by the fact that your daughter likes her. You tell her that you do not want to hear her talk about this new girl.  
3. You aren't too impressed that he has met someone else and even more bothered by the fact that your daughter likes her. You tell her that you do not want to hear her talk about this new girl.  You also tell your daughter that she is mean, that she is a big baby, and that you do not like her. When this new girlfriend and your ex ask you if you could stop calling her names in front of your daughter, you turn around and tell your daughter that your Daddy's girl friend yelled at you and is "mean". Of course you deny it all later. 

9. Your ex's new girlfriend and wife to be has a son. Your daughter has started to call him her brother. 

1. You think this is cute. She seems to really adore this boy and he is going to be her step-brother soon enough.
2. You are pissed. Who told her that? 
3. You are pissed. Who told her that? You tell her he is not her brother and don't call him that again. You call your ex and give him an ear full. 

10. Your ex wants to have your daughter’s birth certificate to go over to a kids attraction in the USA. 

1. You openly give it to him. You see no issue and actually think it all sounds like fun. 
2. You say no he can't have it. 
3. You tell him he can. Than the next morning when he is due to come and pick it up, minutes before he is supposed to leave with the kids, you tell him no he cannot have it. You love the fact that he had all these plans and you ruined it last minute. 

11. Your ex's girl friend is pregnant. 

1. You are happy for him. He is a great Dad and always wanted more children. 
2. You are not happy. This better not take away attention from your daughter. You tell your ex that you are not happy about this. 
3. You are not happy. This better not take away attention from your daughter. You immediately text your ex telling him that he has been trapped and other obscene things. You than his girlfriend at the arena and yell at her in front of her son and your daughter, saying she trapped him. You than go on a rant to your ex. You go around town telling people that she trapped him. You tell everyone that at your work and even post a message on Facebook about it. You also go on about how it likely isn't even his child anyway. 

12. You are the soccer coach for your daughter's team. You organize an end of the year celebration in the park by the soccer fields after the last game. 

1. You make sure your ex knows about it so he can see his daughter get her metal and enjoy a cupcake. 
2. You tell your ex that there is a celebration but that you don't want his girlfriend there. 
3. You tell your daughter to keep the celebration a secret. This is because you do not want your ex to know about it. He later finds out a few days later after the celebration and you tell him you had every right to do that because you were the coach and you wanted the time all to yourself. 

13. Your ex owes you some money. He comes to pick up his daughter. 

1. You remind him that he owes you the money. He tells you he will have it for you as soon as possible. You say no problem. 
2. You remind him that he owes you the money. He says he doesn't have it on him. You make a big stink about it. You make sure you rant to him for a while. 
3. You remind him that he owes you the money. He says he doesn't have it on him. You make a big stink about it. You make sure you rant to him for a while. You refuse to allow for him to have his daughter until you see the money. He leaves and comes back. You hand over your daughter and laugh and say "hahah...I was holding her for ransom". The cheque was for $67.50, well worth the turmoil eh? 

14. Your ex tells you that he has been asked to work overtime on Sunday and if you would like your daughter Sunday or he can find a sitter. It is Saturday night and he is supposed to have your daughter for the duration of the weekend. He then sends you a text that plans have changed and he doesn't need to go in. 

1. You are happy because he loves spending time with his daughter. 
2. You are happy because you had plans Sunday. You send him a text and say he had better not be lying. 
3. You don't believe him. You want your daughter back as she sure as hell is not spending time with that "ho". You show up on his door step at 9 p.m. His parents are just leaving and he is apparently upstairs putting your daughter to bed. For 45 minutes you ring the doorbell over and over and refuse to leave. You exchange some very unpleasant words with his Mother. You threaten to punch out your ex's girlfriend and say some very rude things to her in front of your ex's Mother. The police have to come to ask you to leave. 

15. It is the day of the annual Easter in the Park. Your daughter is with your ex that weekend. You assume your ex is taking your daughter along with his fiancé and her son. 

1. You hope they go. You went last year and it was fun. Your ex will love taking her. 
2. You are pissed because you don't want them having the fun. 
3. You and your partner decide to sit in your car in the parking lot waiting to see if they show up. When you see them coming across the field of the park you get out of the car and approach them.  You lure your daughter away from them and have her participate in the festivities with you. You than return her to her Dad at the end of it all. You could care less that he took her and that your daughter didn't get to hunt with her step brother.

16. You go to court. The judge clearly states in his endorsement that he assigns more blame to you with respect to bringing the child into the conflict.   

1. Well you would never bring a child into the middle of adult conflict. So this would never happen. 

2. You clearly deny any ownership over this. The judge has no idea what he is talking about. 

3. You clearly deny any ownership over this. The judge has no idea what he is talking about. Additionally you ignore the justice's order to refrain from pulling the child into the conflict and continue to use her time with her father as a punishment when you are angry and speak poorly in front of the child about her father and his family. 

17.  You go to court. The judge clearly states in his endorsement that you are to use the father as primary babysitter. 

1. Well duh, of course you would. He is the father and deserves to spend all the quality time he can with his daughter. So again this would never happen. 

2. Yes, I am at fault. I have not used the father in the past because I could, because I love control. But I will consider the judge's endorsement in this regard in the future - maybe. 

3. I am not going to do anything the judge says. I live above the law. Yes I have not used the father as caregiver when I could, because I like the control and I fear him having too much time with my daughter and getting too close with her. There will be countless opportunities over the next several months where I could call upon the father to care give when I am endlessly unavailable pursuing my own selfish needs. But I won't and I will use every excuse possible to not use him. 

Points

Give yourself the following points for each answer:

Answered 1 - zero points

Answered 2 - 1 point

Answered 3 - 2 points

Results

0 points: You are a kind human being. I am sure you make mistakes in your life, but you try your best to be an amicable cooperative friendly and empathetic human being.

1 to 17: You are borderline dragon (see below). 

18 to 34: You are a dragon. You are controlling, manipulative, angry, resentful, bitter, miserable, greedy, irrational, immature, cruel, and non-empathetic; you lie and have an inability to admit wrong doing. You leave behind you a path of destruction. You see no good in anyone, you are extremely judgmental. You love to make others life miserable. 

Always a Come Back

Max and I find out from a mutual friend that the rumor that Carmen had broken up with her woman partner is true, and she is apparently dating a man. And to top it off his name is Max.

Max drops off Jessie at the Dragon Den after his visit. Jessie goes inside and Carmen stays on the porch, smoking her cigarette, as she hands Max another box of Girl Guide cookies. He used this moment to poke at the big bear about her new relationship.  He says "so this new friend of yours, would it be okay for me to send him some harassing text messages as you did my partner?"  

An immediate come back from the Dragon. It is truly astounding how quick her head fathoms up outrageous fabrications. She should be a politician.

"If he gets involved like she did than you have every right to".

By that I am guessing you mean my supposed control you feel I have over Max and his legal decisions regarding access to Jessie. Yes you have made that clear that you believe I am the cornerstone of every decision Max has made. Apparently you think because you controlled him your whole marriage that there is no way that Max actually may have his own voice. It must be that new girl. No way would he not obey my every command. She must be telling him otherwise.

So let’s examine this little closer Dragon. What you are suggesting is that you had every right to harass me from day one because I deserved it and that you feel justified to have done so as she "got involved". Let’s examine the history here:

Facts:

• I did not know you before I met Max. I have had no encounters with you in my life.
• The very first text message I received from you my Dragon friend on my cell phone came 1 week after Max and I met. Another 3 came within that week. All these messages I ignored. The messages from you continued for 8 months before I contacted my cell phone provider to have you blocked. 
• The very first friend request on Facebook I got from you came just before this first text message. I deleted it. 
• The Facebook wall posts you so eagerly posted on your wall about me came in the days after I ignored your attempts at intimidation. 
• The Facebook message and friend request that you was sent to my ex-husband was sent soon after. Again, ignored by both me and my ex-husband. However, he did question your sanity.
• The phone calls to my house came in the first couple weeks. You hung up each time. Were you hoping to hear my voice?

So in essence, I managed to maintain my poise in the face of all your harassment and ignored your attempts at intimidation. So I am gathering you are not referring to any of the above when you are suggesting I “got involved”?

Max didn't contact a lawyer more than 6 months after him and I met. Now, then let's speculate as you have my Dragon friend that I did strong arm Max into calling a lawyer at this point, controlling him into obeying my every command as you did throughout your relationship. Now, are you able to explain to me than how you justify the harassment in the first few weeks?

Are you following me?

Then let’s look at this "I got involved" a little closer. Why would it be of any interest to me how often Max was able to see Jessie? Would it not be of more interest to me for him to NOT have Jessie much given we were in the infancy of our relationship? Wouldn't I want him all to myself? Not to mention I have my own young boy. Would it not be of more interest to me to have Max less distracted by Jessie so he can devout more time to Caden?

Again, are you following me?

Now let’s go back to the conversation between Max and Dragon on the door step. Max than goes on to say..."it is okay than for me to call this new guy a ‘ho’ from the start?" 

Of course, she had another immediate comeback. "I didn't call her ho from the get go...that name only came after she broke up with you than got herself pregnant".

Lets' take another close examination at this alleged start of the name calling Dragon. First of all, Max broke up with me (see Ho, Ho, Ho I am back). Second of all, thank you once again for deeming me such a miracle worker in being able to precisely predict my ovulation schedule and trap Max (see Me the Miracle Worker) Maybe in your world Dragon people "trap" man, but in mine, these things do not enter one’s mind.

Max replies "no, it started right from the beginning". Her once again quick comeback..."Well she was only living here for 2 years and she slept with 10 guys in this town. It was the community that called her ho." 

10 guys! She keeps upping her number each time she rants to anyone who will listen about my relationship history. Next time the story is told I will be the town prostitute in her sick world.  And I have a hard time understanding what relevance my relationship history is to you Dragon.

I am not sure you are in any position to criticize.  Let’s recall your relationship history. You met another woman. You began a marital affair that continued for a year. This woman you brought into your marital home unbeknownst to Max that you were in a relationship with her. You announced your affair and that the marriage is done to Max on Christmas Eve of all nights. You continue your relationship with this woman, bringing her into your marital home with Max present despite his pleas otherwise. You go to such an extent as to have her sleepover in your bed, stating "this is my home too". Wow, the empathy you exhibit is profound.

The mistakes I have made in my adult life have hurt me and only me, so I am not sure why they are of any significance to you.  Your behavior however has left a path of destruction that has left you unharmed and everyone around you wounded. I can hold my head of high despite the mistakes I have made as I know that one, I've hurt only me in the process and two, I can admit when I am wrong and not have an excuse for every mistake I have made.   And I try my best to amend any mistakes I have made. 

Can you Dragon admit wrong and make amends?

I am sure you will have a comeback or some lame excuse. You always do.

That is what separates decent humans from Dragons. 

Exploitation and Manipulation

One day Max and I were out for a bike ride. We live in a small town, so any path you take tends to venture past the Dragon Den. As we passed by the Den, Max says to me "must be laundry night". I asked him what he meant. He said that Carmen's sister's car at the Den and "she must be doing Carmen's laundry". Pardon?

He went on to say that years ago Carmen blackmailed her sister into doing her laundry, saying "I won't tell mom and Dad that you smoke, if you do my laundry". 

I almost fell off my bike. Are you kidding me?  He explained that Carmen's sister is the "prize child" and that she wouldn't ever want her parents to know that she smokes so would do anything in her power to keep that information from them. And with the Dragon knowing this, she has exploited and manipulated her sister for years.

"She used to come over to our house, do the laundry and smoke cigarette after cigarette.  Carmen would sit back on the couch and watch her TV shows while her sister slaved." He told me about one day when Carmen called her sister up and said she had laundry for her to do. Her sister said she was busy and couldn't come by. He went on to say that Carmen insisted she needed it done today and "come do it or I will tell mom and Dad you smoke".  Her sister came running over.   

Narcissists feel they are entitled and that they deserve special treatment and they will do whatever they feel they need to do to get it - even if that means exploiting their own blood. Carmen always resented her sister for being the "special sister" so she didn't hesitate to exploit her to get the special treatment she felt she deserved. 

Max himself experienced years of control and manipulation. This didn't stop after they separated. Max initiated legal proceedings as he was getting nowhere in negotiating with Carmen in gaining meaningful access to Jessie.  Carmen always resented Max for this as this was not her decision and he had done something without her knowledge that took some power away from her. 

About 2 months after legal proceedings were initiated Carmen told Max that she was going to "take you for everything" since "you did this". She said she would go for high amounts of spousal support and limit his access even more. She angrily tells him "you will lose everything Max". 

Max was frightened. He had heard stories of cruel vindictive woman taking their ex's for tons of money. He could foresee Carmen being this cruel and he would end up losing his house, have little money to survive, and lose his daughter, the one thing that meant the most to him. 

Max pleaded with Carmen to negotiate an agreement and to consider going to see a mediator. Carmen could sense Max's anxiety, and in her Dragoness way, decided to play on this and manipulated him into giving her a load of money. She agreed to go to mediation if and only if he paid half of her retainer fee for her lawyer: $2825.00. Max reluctantly did this and he to this day regrets having done so. She exploited him by playing on his emotions and vulnerability. But she felt entitled. She felt that he should never have gone to the lawyers so he was going to pay. She could not even remotely recognize why he went the legal route as she feels she does no wrong. She exploited him by kicking him when he was down and manipulated him into paying out this sum of money.  

The Dragon fuels herself off of others raw emotions. About 8 months after Max and I started dating, she decided to go to him to ask for him back. She apparently said to him she would be a "better wife".  When I had my very memorable meeting with the Dragon (see The Meeting) she tells me that she wasn't serious when she asked for him back. Apparently she "just wanted to see what he would say”.  She felt she was entitled to ask that question and see what reaction she would get.  She never once stopped to think what impact that may have. 

When you are dealing with a narcissist you are dealing with a person that lacks any empathy and no consideration for anyone's feelings but their own. They feel entitled to special treatment and they will do anything and everything in their power to get that - even if it means exploiting their own family members or playing on a person's vulnerability and raw emotions. 

And they will feel no remorse for doing so.

The Public vs Private Persona

Go ahead and act like Mom-of-the-Year on Facebook, but don’t forget some of us know you in real life. Some e-cards

It’s not about how good of a Mother you really are, just how good of a Mother you appear to be on facebook. Some e-cards

Look at me, look how amazing I am and all I do for my community. Admire me please. But the truth of the matter is, behind closed doors she is a controlling, manipulative, mean and intimidating person who lacks empathy and respect for moral codes. She makes everything into an issue. She knows no other way than to argue or to be difficult or negative. It is her way or no way. She is often immature and exhibits bullying behaviour. 

She will bite her tongue in public in order to uphold her image but as soon as she is back behind closed doors, the venom/fire is released. 

Case in point: At Jessie's soccer game Carmen put on a happy face in front of Max despite her dismay that he did not instruct forcefully his 4 year old daughter back onto the field as opposed to "visiting" with him on the sidelines for a mere 5 minutes.  As far as I can see, Jessie isn't headed for playing with FIFA anytime soon so let her be a 4-year old. But as soon as Max enters the home the phone rings. It is Carmen, in a narcissistic RAGE.  Max gets a mouth full from Carmen about how he should have done everything plausible to get Jessie back to the bench with her team: "A for effort Max, A for effort".  She would have never have thought of carrying on her wrath in a public place in front of all the soccer moms and Dads. No, because a narcissist cannot be unfriendly in public when their image is at stake. However, when behind closed doors image damage control is not an issue and so bring on the rage.  

I wonder if her public persona would be proud to hear the recording I have of her ranting to me on the telephone about how much of a whore I am and how I trapped a "rich man" by getting pregnant. Or the offensive and intimidating saved text messages. Or that she told Max's Mother that Max was willing to have a threesome with Beth and her to "save their marriage". Classy.  Or the fact that she uses her daughter and her time with her Dad to punish Max when she is angry.  Or that the judge in court reviewed all the paperwork submitted over 2 years and very clearly identified her as the source of conflict and that she unnecessarily subjects innocent Jessie to adult issues. That is an image to be proud of. 

However I have always been perplexed that she has no regard for her image when she is publicly humiliating me by walking around her place of work referring to me as "Ho". Despite being a contradiction to her need for admiration, her exploitation efforts can often emerge. Public humiliation or belittling others in her mind makes her appear to be the better person. Remaining one-up is key to the narcissist mindset. 

But despite her efforts to uphold her image, I do believe the truth is known in some circles. Interesting enough a friend of mine told me one day about a story that made me chuckle. She was at a get-together and so-called "friends" of Carmen's were overheard saying..."I wouldn't get on Carmen's bad side, she would be the type of person that would boil a rabbit on your stove top if you made her mad" (aka. Fatal Attraction!)

It used to really bother me to watch her prance around the field volunteer coaching, with a fake half-smile on her face when only hours ago she was meeting with her lawyer scheming up paperwork to motion the court that Max pay over $4000 in support per month on an income that doesn't remotely support it.

Or when I would see her chit chatting with other Mothers waiting to get their children from school when the day previous she was dancing in Jessie's skirt we bought and dressed her in, mocking it and consequently demeaning her own daughter. Do you think the other Mothers would commend you on this parenting effort?

But in the end I remind myself that it isn't my job to convince others that she is an evil person, and that they should be weary of associating with her as you may be her next victim. As the serenity prayer goes, "accept the things I cannot change and have the courage to change the things I can". I know what does matter is the truth is known by those that love and know me and those that know her more private persona.

So I have decided that I cannot waste any more energy concerned about what others do not know or I feel need to know about the truth.  They either know it or choose to ignore it out of fear of her or if they don't know it they will soon enough. 

Truth always prevails. 

 

      

The Bully

The classic bully is a prime example of the narcissist. The bully is a person who fulfills their own needs primarily by charm or intimidation. To the outer world this person may appear incredibly assertive, confident, charismatic, powerful and self-assured. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Narcissism is a condition of insecurity. Narcissists feel desperately unloved and unacceptable. An individual with NPD intrinsically believes they are worthless and fears other individuals will discover the truth: that they feel powerless.

Thus the narcissist invests a great deal of energy into ‘gaining the upper hand’, to hide feeling vulnerable, insecure and broken. When they are getting what they want, the charm is flowing and plentiful. When the charm doesn't work the intimidation begins.

Narcissists have a lack of empathy regarding how their insecure, aggressive and damaging behaviour affects the world around them.

Source: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

When I talk to Caden about bullying behaviour I explain that bullies are deep down sad and unhappy with themselves and their bullying is their attempt to feel powerful and important.  I talk to him about walking away, ignoring them. And if the behaviour continues, talk to a teacher or adult.  Seems easy enough right?

Wish it was that easy to "practice what I preach". When it comes to the Dragon bullying Max or I, or witnessing her bully her own daughter Jessie with her sacrificial lamb efforts, I try to remember that she really can't help herself - she is miserable and this is her way of "gaining the upper hand" and attempting to make herself feel better. In essence, we are her punching bag. We can't take it personally. We just need to be the better person by not reacting back. 

But honestly, it would be much easier on everyone if she would just go get some psychotherapy!! 

Divorcing a Narcissist

"In divorce proceedings, narcissistic parents will seek sole physical and legal custody of children during a divorce even if prior to the separation they were not involved parents. Even after the separation, they may care little about parenting but rather their own selfish personal pursuits. But it is important to them to appear to be the better parent. Also, if they have sole physical and legal custody of the children, it gives them another way to continue to control and abuse their former spouse.

Narcissists will also use visitation/access as a means of control and harassment. They will control who and when will care for the child, and often that does not involve the use of the former spouse even when clearly the child would benefit from more involvement of the other parent. Narcissists may refuse to accommodate the spouse’s requests for more access even when the requests are very reasonable, the child is requesting more time, and the requests would benefit the child. The narcissistic parent cares little about the child’s interests and more about their own personal pursuit for control."

Adapted from: Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline Narcissistic Personality Disorder

If I didn’t know better, I would think they had been following the life of the Dragon.

The sacrificing of the lamb (Jessie) started quite early after physical separation. When Max and Carmen discussed access to Jessie before she left the marital home with their daughter, it was agreed that Max could have her two overnights per week and alternating weekends. They hadn’t discussed holiday sharing, but this was a reasonable time sharing Max felt for now until a more final agreement could be reached. Well, enter me. And enter in Carmen’s hate and resentment towards me. Suddenly access was measly 4-hour visits once to twice a week and alternating weekends. Start of the excuses as to why Jessie can’t spend more time with her Dad. “Jessie needs a routine; Jessie needs to be in her own bed during the week; Jessie misses me when she is gone.” Than they became more desperate: “Jessie has been wetting the bed, I think she is stressed about not being with me.”  Funny, because she has NEVER wet the bed at our house, wonder where she is feeling the stress? 

Do you think we are all stupid?  You send Max a text saying you will do everything in your power to keep “Ho” out of Jessie’s life and somehow you expect everyone to believe you have concerns about Jessie’s wellbeing away from her “absent” Mother.  Funny how Jessie is enabled to have repeated overnight sleepovers at her maternal grandma's but can't at her own fathers - claiming "she needs to be in her own bed on school nights". 

After several months, Max gets nowhere in having Carmen agree to more meaningful time with his daughter. There would be days she would be angry with Max for one reason or another –and his access would be denied. There would be days he would be off work and her at work – and she would not allow for him to see his daughter – stating “her routine is to be with my Mom”. No, you fear her getting too close to Max or heaven forbid, spend any time with me. So better to just keep her under close guard by your own family Dragon.

Frustrated by the denials, the uncertainties, Max asked me about what my ex and I did to settle our matters. Looking back now, that was not a fair question to ask as there is no comparison. My ex and I are sane, reasonable, understanding, empathetic people. She lacks all of the above.  But regardless, I shared my story.

Mine was simple – sat down at the kitchen table, drank a pint of beer and drafted up an agreement. Brought it forward to a lawyer we each independently hired to protect ourselves, had it written up, and signed and all was well.  $1500 each.  Nothing written in stone, but an agreement that we each walked away with feeling that our interests were protected. No unknowns. Some assurance. Peace. Closure.

Enter in lawyer for Max. At the time he felt he had no choice. He missed his daughter tremendously and he wanted more meaningful time with her. He wanted to have the assurance that I felt knowing what laid ahead for holiday and summer time-sharing etc. He didn’t want to feel like he was always at Carmen’s disposal – if she was in good spirits – he would get to see Jessie; if she was angry, he may not.  His only other choice was to throw his hands up in the air and say – you tell me when I can see my daughter and I will bow down and thank you for your generosity. Believe me, those words have come out of her mouth: “Max, you should be grateful I give you as much as I do, most Dads don’t get the time you do”. Oh I am sorry, didn’t realize he needs to be grateful that he gets time with his daughter, because last I checked, she was half his. Pretty sure the birth registration says so.

Papers served: requests for meaningful access, nothing outrageous. But Ouch! The fire from the dragon’s mouth could be felt across the small town. No one contests the Dragon; no one attempts to take control away from her. How dare he? He will pay the price. 

She goes for sole physical and legal custody, an attempt to take ALL control away from Max. The paperwork to support her request paints this beautiful picture of a Mother who has done everything and anything for her daughter from the beginning. The picture of Dad is one of an absentee, uninvolved deadbeat. You got to be kidding me. This is coming from the “parent” that has repeatedly said in public she should have just had another dog (instead of a child). I guess she needs to be reminded that she was off gallivanting with another woman for 2 years, absent from the home, while Max parented Jessie. This is the “parent” that spends more time caring for herself and her extra-curricular activities than her own daughter. But for some reason she think she needs sole custody?

She lays out a request for a limited bare access schedule, more limited than the one that she currently dictates.  They live in the same city. He wants to be an involved parent. And he is great at it. Not like many of a father that could care less how often they see their kids.  

To top it off, up until this point Max was paying child support, well prepared to adjust this amount yearly based on his previous year’s income. Well her greed and her self-admitting desire that “ho” does not get any ounce of his money, she went for the gusto, requesting a total of $4000.00 per month in child and spousal support. Max worked out West for 5months, a short term contract he hoped would help him gain experience to further his career. While it may have done so, it also temporarily inflated his income. Cha-ching! She saw dollar signs when she saw his previous year’s income and she went for the throat. Problem was, now that he was back working in town, he wouldn’t be making even remotely close to what he was making out West. She didn’t care. He would pay no matter what state he ended up in.   She will claim she is "entitled to this", another characteristic of narcissists (entitlement and self-pity attitude).  

There are many problems that need to be resolved in the family law system, but one of them is around setting temporary orders with no defined follow up plan. While Max was temporarily ordered to pay a lot less than she was requesting, it ended up still presenting a hardship for him several times over the 2+ years following. There were times work was minimal and he was sent home, making less than $100 per week. Then there were periods of time he was unemployed. But he still had to find the money to pay her, while she lived the life of luxury with her partner, renovating her kitchen and traveling to the Dominican Republic.  My only means of sanity was suggesting to him that he was paying for TWO dependents – Dragon and Jessie – since Dragon was so pathetically dependent on him financially as she lacked the skills and assiduous nature to support herself.

Somewhere in the middle of all these legal proceedings Max came to me in tears and said he was exhausted, so much money has been spent, and he didn’t know what he should do – should he just throw in the towel. My only advice was – look ahead 10 years, you want to have no regrets, you want to be able to look Jessie in the eye and say you fought for her. Can you say that now?  His answer at that point was no. He couldn’t give up just yet. Jessie deserved the fight. He would have no regrets over money spent, but would over not doing what he could to secure more meaningful time with his daughter.

Moving ahead two years I have come to realize as has Max that there is NO reasoning with someone that is unreasonable. So you could say he has spent thousands of dollars and precious time and energy trying to get an uncooperative, unreasonable, non-empathetic person to empathize and cooperate in coming to a reasonable access agreement.  Does that seem reasonable?

Max was presented with two options. Surrender and let her dictate everything and everything when it came to access to his daughter and live with her control and minimization of time with Jessie. Or two, fight for what he sees as just, but expect a hard battle. Narcissists DO NOT like to lose.  But with choice two, you can look back with no regrets. You tried.  

Count your Blessings

I have been through separation. I know how emotional it can be. I had to grapple with the reality that my ex-husband had a new partner and she will now be part of Caden's life.   But the difference between me and how the Dragon have handled post-separation is my ability to rationalize and empathize, two things she is incapable of doing. She also harbors so much resentment and a toxic need for control, clouding her ability to see things in any other way but hers. 

After 8 months of Max and I dating, he asked if Caden and I would like to come with him to watch Jessie`s gymnastics. I was pleased to be invited, and Caden was super excited to go watch. However when Dragon got wind of me going she was not so pleased. The minute she spotted me she gave Max a mouth full and stormed out of the building. Immediately the text messages to me flooded in:

u just had to come didn’t u. Wanted jessie 2 see us together...f** nerve

stop gettn in between our parentin...b the big one and back off would ya

Let max and i work this out our way...shut ur mouth skunk.

I can understand that it is difficult to accept a new person into your child`s life. But in no way is it acceptable to make such a scene in front of your daughter and attempt to intimate the person with unwarranted text messages. But again, here I am trying to understand one`s rationality when there is no rationality. The rest of the day text messages came flooding in to Max:

I want peace...and don’t feel comfortable with the ho around. Sorry she started it.

Started what? Remind me again what it is I started? Because last I checked you have been harassing me from day 9 of dating max? And last I checked I have not responded once to your rage

Max suggested that she needed to get used to it all eventually and her response: i will NEVER get used to it.

She has stuck to those words for sure!

A few weeks later I get another flood of text message from Dragon after she was all irate with Max that he didn`t take Jessie to the emergency room when she carefully instructed him to – for the cold she had.  Apparently she thought I had something to do with that decision. She went on a rant about how I needed to mind my own business and butt out of the parenting of Jessie. She made it very clear that day that she possessed Jessie and would do everything in her power to seclude me:  U can have Max, he is leftovers, but jessie she is mine AND WILL NEVER BE URS GIRAFFE NECK

Once again, your clever use of animal analogies is quite comical, from ho to skunk to giraffe. What will be next?  

All this turmoil created by Dragon has made me really think about Caden and what it is I want for him. I have been asked how I have been so accepting of my ex-husbands new partner.  What is important to me when it comes to my son Caden is that he is happy. His Dad’s new partner is good to him and cares for him, something my ex has promised to me. I am able to count my blessings and see what matters. I have enough security in my parenting and faith in my love and relationship with Caden that I do not fear her replacing me in any fashion. She will only further enrich Caden’s already enriched life. For that, I am thankful for.

It became very clear to me early on that the Dragon looked at Jessie as her possession that she had anxiety over sharing and that she would do anything and everything to prevent me from having a relationship with her. It was also evident that she was insecure about my involvement and how Jessie may grow close to me.

Apparently Carmen is unaware of the unconditional love children have for their parents. She also fails to see how enriched Jessie is having me and Caden and now Blair in her life. 

Being off on maternity leave for a year I have watched a few Dr. Phil and Intervention episodes! Some of these people who struggle with drug and alcohol abuse have come from families where the father has in essence replaced the child or children with the new wife, leaving the children unloved and uncared for. Or, there have been situations where the step Mother or step father has abused the child or children – emotionally, physically and even sexually.

Jessie has been truly blessed having met my family. They have accepted her and welcomed her as their own, treated her with respect and love and dignity.  I and my family do everything we can to make her feel accepted and supported. We do our best to shelter her from any adult issues namely those that arise from the conflict her Mother creates. Never once have we spoken poorly about her Mother. I know my place in parenting Jessie as I myself know what I expect of my ex-husband’s new partner. 

She is truly a lucky little girl. I know because I know how blessed I feel my own child is that my ex-husband met a woman that cares for Caden as I do Jessie. That comforts me.

I will never be able to convince Dragon that I am a decent person who truly cares and loves Jessie and would never hurt her. I will never convince her that I have no intent to replace her, as she is and always will be Jessie’s Mother and that I can only help enrich Jessie’s life.

It is Dragon that needs to see what is truly important here. She needs to count her blessings. However I am not sure she is capable of such.