Campaign of Control

Narcissists are controlling. They will do anything and everything in their power to maintain control. They want control in every avenue of their lives – in their work, home and personal environment.

The Dragon controlled Max throughout their relationship. She continues to try to control him now that they are separated.  And she feels entitled to do so.

The number of times that my Dragon friend has made her attempts to try to control how we parent in our household are too numerous to recall. She believes she has say over when we keep Jessie out until on a summer evening so not to expose her to mosquitoes  she feels she has a say over how we put Jessie to bed; she feels she has a say as to whether we can allow for her to go outside while she is on antibiotics; she feels she has a say as to when we should decide on bringing Jessie to emergency – for pink eye may I add; she thinks she has a say as to whether we bathe Jessie at night or in the morning. The latest will have you question whether this woman’s mind ever rests or whether she is always on a campaign of control!

We are expecting. We have three bedrooms for the kids. We will now have 4 children between us. After some long and discussion with the older kids, we have decided to temporarily have the two older kids share a room in the largest bedroom space. When the two youngest are at an age that nighttime waking is a minimal issue they will share a room, and we are guessing this may amount to the two oldest sharing a room for maybe 2 years. Well they are thrilled. It isn’t already uncommon for them to request sleepovers in the bunk beds when we have them home on the same night so the idea of a shared space excited them. We have talked with them about how we can make their own spaces in their shared room.

I was showing Jessie some ideas I found on Pintrest and had pinned to one of my boards. She loved them. But then she added: “Nic, my mom said I am not allowed to share a room with Caden! I told her I wanted to and she kept saying NO!” You are kidding me Dragon. You seriously think you have some say over who shares a room in our household. Last time I checked you are not a decision maker in my household so I am pretty sure this is not any of your business.

We told Jessie exactly that – that what we do in our household is not any of her Mother’s business and that we will make the decisions in our home that we think are best. We reassured her that sharing a room with Caden will occur and we will make the best of it. She was happy to hear that.

This was not the first campaign of control moment these past few days. Apparently as Max walked back to the car with Jessie after picking her up, the Dragon yells out “you are NOT to change her earrings, leave the ones I have put in her ears!” Jessie got a number of different earrings for Christmas that she absolutely loved. When I brought out some different options for her to consider with her outfit the next day she looked at me with concern – “I am not supposed to take my earrings out, my mom said”. I reassured her that we would put back the earring she had in before she returns to her mom. She was pleased as she was eager to wear one of her new sets.

We do get a kick out of the Dragons campaign of control. Because in the end, we know any attempt she makes at controlling what we do will not transpire. So she is left feeling helpless and frustrated as her control over Max dissipates.  What we do not appreciate is the burden the Dragon’s campaign of control puts on Jessie’s shoulders.  You can see the anguish, anxiety and confusion in her eyes when she tells us something her Mother has said about a decision we have made. Again, this young innocent girl should worry only about what colour she will wear that day, not be burdened with these larger adult issues.

Dragon will never change. She will always try to control what we do in our home. We will continue to make our decisions and be proud of them, because we are confident that we are good parents who consider the best interest of our children unlike my Dragon friend.