Persuasive Blamers

Persuasive Blamers: (Blamers): Those with life-long personalities of blaming others for all problems, including their own. They most commonly have personality traits associated with the Cluster B Personality Disorders found in the DSM-IV: Borderline, Narcissist, Histrionic, and Antisocial Personality Disorders. They are preoccupied with blaming others and cannot look at their own contribution to their problems. In court, they are often able to persuade others who do not know them—including attorneys, therapists, evaluators and judges—that they are victims of those they blame, even though the opposite may be true. Given the limits on evidence and lack of knowledge of personality disorders, courts often believe them at the beginning of – and sometimes throughout – a court case. Blamers are a subgroup of people with BPD or NPD. Source: http://www.highconflictinstitute.com

Max and I are blamed for EVERYTHING by our lovely friend the Dragon.  Let me outline some examples:

v  She calls the house and screams at Max and won't let him get in a word and finally he ends up hanging up - and he is blamed for not being communicative. 

v  She calls the house and repeatedly bullies him over the phone, screaming at him and dominating the conversation and I end up barking at her in the background and suggesting he hang up - and I am blamed for not minding my own business. 

v  She calls the house and I answer and she immediately yells..."why can't you f*% let Max answer the f'*% phone you b*%".  And somehow I am blamed for being abusive and abrupt when I suggest she give me some respect when she calls my home.

v  Jessie gets pink eye and somehow we are to blame (despite her coming to our home with it) 

v  Jessie goes to the doctors before coming to our home, she is told all she has is a sore throat, she makes no complaints all weekend, goes back to her mom's and over 24 hours later she takes her to the doctor and she is diagnosed with Scarlet Fever - and somehow we are to blame.

v  She harasses me for months and I warn her several times to leave me alone and she persists, and I finally call the police - and somehow I am to blame that she could have been charged and lose her driver’s license 

v  She treats Max, me, our children, and Max and my family with disrespect for years, and she suggests she can’t understand why everyone hates her - we are to blame?

v  I ask her why she hates me so much and she says "because you are not what I expected Max to end up with - you are not blond and young." - I am to blame?? 

v  She over and over causes some ruckus and Max reports it to his lawyer - and her response "stop telling on me, I get in trouble" - Max is to blame for your punishment? 

The list could go on and on and on. No ownership. No accountability. Always the victim. Never at fault. Always blaming.  Pathetic. 

Take a long hard look in the mirror Dragon. You are to blame. 

Conversation with the Reasonable vs. The Unreasonable

"The biggest problem with narcissists is that they can never see fault in themselves, yet find it overwhelmingly easy to find it in others." Source

Reasonable people can reason. They can see they are not perfect and no one is. Reasonable people can admit wrong.  Reasoning with the unreasonable is like banging your head against a brick wall. In both cases you end up with the same agonizing headache!

Conversation with the Reasonable

I picked up Caden one night after a few days at his Dads. His eye was closed tight as it hurt to look at the light. It was watering. His Dad said they were camping this weekend and he thinks he may have scratched it. I responded reasonably saying that I would keep an eye on it.

Next morning, Caden wakes up and his eye is still bothering him. I decided to contact my eye doctor to get their opinion. They told me they could see him that afternoon. I brought him in and it turns out that he had a bacterial infection. The doctor prescribed eye drops and scheduled some follow ups.

I called Caden's Dad and gave him the update. Not to pass blame on to him, but to communicate with him how our son was feeling. Caden's Dad at that point informed me that unfortunately the water they were swimming in at the camp ground did look murky and he questioned perhaps if he got it from the water. He apologized and indicated he felt bad this occurred. I suggested perhaps the water could be a cause, but "these things happen, no worries". Caden's eye improved in a couple days.

Conversation with the Unreasonable

It is Friday night of Max's weekend. We notice soon after Jessie arrives that her right eye is pink and a bit goopy. No pain, just a bit itchy. Look like pink eye. We call the pharmacist at our local pharmacy, describe her symptoms, and he suggests an over the counter drop. The pharmacist’s recommendation was to monitor and if there is no sign of improvement in one or two days to consult a doctor.

Her symptoms improved.

Jessie goes home to the Den. Max explains the scenario. No comments from the Dragon at the time. All seems well. Within 10 minutes of being home, Max gets a call. It is the Dragon on another rant declaring how terrible of parents we are and that she is some super mom as she "takes care of her child when she is sick".

Max suggests that Jessie likely will have to stay home from school tomorrow and that he is off work and Dragon is working so he would like to have her. No, "she will stay with my mom".

Step ahead 28 hours later. Phone call comes in at 10:25p.m.  No message, but from the Dragon's cell. We were in bed.

Next day a text comes through at 5:25p.m. It is a picture text of Jessie: a close up of her eye, looks like she had a hemorrhage. The message - "this is why I called last night..."

Max calls. No answer. He continues to call for the next 4 days with no responses or call backs.

Purpose of the call at 10p.m. and the picture text - to try to hurt, to rant and to pass blame..."look what you have done"

We never got the prognosis. But I can sure as hell guess we will be blamed for it. Even though I have now consulted two doctors and a nurse friend about the whole scenario and they reassure me that Max and I did exactly what they would have done with their children. They suggested that the hemorrhage is either unrelated or due to Jessie rubbing her eye aggressively.

In essence, you can't take anything the Dragon does or says personally. And there is no sense trying to explain to her as she will not hear you. She has her opinion as unreasonable as it is. There is no reasoning with the unreasonable.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201201/dont-try-reason-unreasonable-people

Diverting Blame

Driving home today, another "mother of the year" moment came to me. It's the ones that affect Jessie so directly that bother me so much. 

This incident came the day the Dragon was served her affidavit and supporting legal documents from Max for an upcoming court session whereby his lawyer was trying once again to settle matters that she refused to settle on.  Immediately she was lashing out and unfortunately put Jessie in the cross fire.   

Within the paperwork there was a lot of concerns presented to the court with regards to Carmen's parenting namely putting Jessie in the middle of adult conflict. There was some notes with regards to some things Jessie has suggested her mother has said about me, including the nick name "Nasty Nicky". A name apparently she uses in front of Jessie repeatedly. 

Max dropped Jessie off shortly after 8p.m. At 8:15pm the phone rings and it is Jessie.  Max spoke briefly with her but than could hear the Dragon in the background saying "Tell Dad I don't call Nic "Nasty Nicky"...that you do". 

Jessie went silent. Than she apprehensively says, "no". Max immediately pipped in to protect Jessie and said to her that she didn’t have to say anything that she knows is not right. She responded, “see Mom, Dad is right”. Max told Jessie he had to go, an attempt to diffuse the situation. 

The phone rings again at 8:57pm from the Den. It was Jessie asking if she could talk to me. Max asked why and she responded that she wanted to say sorry for calling me Nasty Nicky.  He once again told her that she doesn't need to say anything as dad knows the truth. As the phone was again on speaker, Max could hear Carmen in the background saying "you say it Jessie, say it"....repeatedly.  

Max then directed the conversation to Carmen and said "Jessie doesn't need to be involved in this Carmen, this is an adult conversation".  Max said he could hear her mom laughing, almost cackling, in the background. He reassured Jessie that he loved her and told her he needed to go.

I was driving home today, another "Mother of the year" moment came to me. It's the incidents that affect Jessie so directly that bothers me so much.

The episode that came to mind was the day the Dragon was served her affidavit and supporting legal documents from Max for an upcoming court session – another attempt by his lawyer to settle matters that she refused to settle. Immediately she lashed out and unfortunately put Jessie in the cross fire.   

Within the paperwork there were a lot of concerns presented to the court with regards to Carmen's parenting, namely putting Jessie in the middle of adult conflict. There were some notes with regards to some things Jessie has suggested her Mother has said about me, including the nick name "Nasty Nicky", a name apparently she uses in front of Jessie repeatedly. 

Max dropped Jessie off shortly after 8p.m. At 8:15pm the phone rings and it is Jessie.  Max spoke briefly with her but then could hear the Dragon in the background saying "Tell Dad I don't call Nic ‘Nasty Nicky’ that you do". 

Jessie went silent. Then she apprehensively says, "no I don’t Mom". Max immediately interrupted to protect Jessie and said to her that she didn’t have to say anything that she knows is not right. He then told her that he had to go, an attempt to diffuse the situation. 

The phone rings again at 8:57pm from the Den. It was Jessie asking if she could talk to me. Max asked why and she responded that she wanted to say sorry for calling me Nasty Nicky.  He once again told her that she doesn't need to say anything as Dad knows the truth. As the phone was again on speaker, Max could hear Carmen in the background saying "you say it Jessie, say it"....repeatedly.  

Max then directed the conversation to Carmen and said "Jessie doesn't need to be involved in this, this is an adult conversation".  Max said he could hear her mom laughing, almost cackling, in the background. He reassured Jessie that he loved her and told her he needed to go.

It is upsetting that Jessie was not even in the door 5 minutes and her mom is pressuring her in this way. But more so, the way she handled the situation was very immature, and almost bully-like. We know Jessie would not speak those words. If she did, we know where she heard them - her Mother. She is 4 years old. Where would an idea like that come from? Kids are always listening. 

Funny enough, about 2 months prior to this day, Jessie had told me that her Mother called me "Nasty Nicky".  I was so upset that she was name calling me to her 4 year old daughter, teaching her the concept of teasing and bullying, and attempting to alienate me from Jessie, that I called her at work. When I confronted her on the name, she immediately told me "I have been calling you that from the get-go so get over it!"

Than step forward 2 months and she is pressuring her 4 year old daughter to say that it was her that was the name caller. And in typical narcissistic fashion, she denies every calling me that name - ever admitting wrong and diverting blame. 

Does anyone else see the evilness in all this - diverting blame on to your own 4-yar old daughter? Sickens me. 

All Max and I could do in that moment is reassure Jessie that we believed her, taught her the concept of "treat others as you wish to be treated", and went over ways to deal with bullying at school and in other social situations.   We also have never and would never speak poorly about her Mother to Jessie or call her names in her presence.  As much as we despise her miserable self, she is still Jessie's Mother and Jessie deserves that respect. 

That's why writing is so healthy for me. I can get out my frustration without voicing them in front of Jessie. Therapy 

Avoiding reactions, staying in control

Yesterday I had a friend text me to tell me something my step-daughter said at a play date on the weekend. She said that she was talking about the birthday her mom is going to have for her at a hockey game, and that she would like Kayla (my friends daughter) to come. She than quickly followed this up with...please don't tell my mom I told you because she said she would cancel my party if I told anyone about it.

My friend asked me what this was all about. I told her "her mom is a f'up." A complete idiot who does not care what so ever about how she is abusing her own child.

What I so wanted to do this past weekend (when Jessie looked at me with this look of fear when she realized she had told me about her birthday party and she was strongly advised by her mother not to or else) is call that loser up on the phone and tell her exactly how I felt..."you are an abusive immature selfish mother".

But the best advice I learned in counselling is to NOT react, that is what she is looking for, and by reacting, SHE is in control. By ignoring her, I remain in control. Easier said than done but definitely advice to live by, especially when dealing with a narcissistic person like the Dragon.

After I responded to my friend and explained what must have been said in the Dragon Den to lead Jessie to this, she messaged back how sorry she is that I have to deal with this.

I said to her that someone has to be the new wife, and I am strong enough to be her.

But, deep down, I am frustrated with it all. I think my biggest frustration is that she will not change, she will not go away, that the only way to get rid of this source of stress in my life is to walk away from the "relationship" (as they in all the books I have read suggest as an option).  But walking would mean me walking away from the husband I love. And that isn't going to happen.

So, that leaves me to change. That leaves me needing to work on not taking anything she says or does personally. It leaves me being the bigger person and cleaning up the mess she has left after she has tormented her daughter or my husband in one way or another.

And it is me needing to work on my reactions...with the ultimate goal being no reaction at all.

I'm getting there. I am setting up boundaries to help me with that.

For example, I have asked Max to leave the room when he is on the phone with her. Why, well 9 out of 10 times he is on the phone with her, she is ranting and raging at him for one reason or another or denying him access and giving him one excuse or another...and I am in the background listening to her rage through the phone and watching him desperately try to get a word in edge wise. Than I react out of anger and frustration, piping up and giving her a piece of my mind. Funny how she is quick to hear my voice and yell "tell that bitch to shut up" or "Max grow some balls and tell her to shut her mouth", but she can't seem to hear Max talk.

Regardless, when I react she wins and she is in control.

So, for me to remain in control, I need to not react, and to not react, I need boundaries. 

We have also both blocked her from sending text messages to our phones. This is a boundary that has relieved a ton of stress.

One day at a time, one issue after another, one reaction that I have executed when I shouldn't have but to learn from. She will not change, so I will. And that leaves me stronger and better for it.

ER visits = Good Parenting

"I take care of MY kid when she is sick. I'm sorry you have such bad parenting when it comes to YOUR kids ", the Dragon tells Max over the phone as she rants about Jessie's pink eye. 

First of all, Jessie is Max's child too.  So YOUR child is also HIS child, you possessive freak.  Second of all, I am sorry you exercise such bad judgment when it comes to making decisions regarding your child's care. Any reasonable parent knows they should reflect on the situation at hand and decide whether this illness is something that should wait till tomorrow until my doctor can see the child or is this warranting an emergency room visit. Pink eye is not an ER obligation. Not even a doctor's visit requirement unless it persists despite good-old over the counter Polysporin drops. Pretty sure that is why they have created these drops over the counter so that doctors can weed out these unnecessary visits to their office. 

But apparently in the Dragon' world pink eye warrants an ER visit and it makes us BAD parents that we did not consider this. 

The whole weekend we had Jessie we carefully cleaned her eye and used the drops religiously 4x per day. While Max gave her the drops, I held her hand and told her how proud I was of her that she lied so still and how brave she was that she didn't cry.  She was so proud, over and over saying "I am good at this aren't I". 

She asked at one point, "do I need to go to the hospital?" A little girl who has been rushed to the ER or doctors countless times by her Mother for colds, sore throats and coughs, she is accustomed to be hurried off every time she has a sniffle. 

We told her that her eye looked better but if in a couple days it looks like it is worse, than we will call the doctor. She was pleased as she jumps up and says “good I don't want to go to the doctors!!!" 

Well sorry my dear, as soon as you are back in the Dragon Den your hypochondriac unreasonable Mother will rush you off, leaving you waiting in the waiting room for something that requires over the counter medications. 

Just as was the case the day Jessie came to our home that weekend. Her Mother booked an appointment with her doctor because Jessie had a sore throat. What did the doctor say? She has a sore throat, give her some lozenges.  Was that worth the 25 minute drive to the doctors? 

So, are we bad parents? I would like to think not. We use judgment and try to make reasonable decisions regarding our children's care. When they are sick, we pamper and console them. When they receive medications, we encourage them and tell them how proud we are of them. We don't increase their anxiety by rushing them to the doctor each time they are sick.  But if this is all wrong, than yes, you can say we are bad parents, and I am okay with that as I am doing what I think it right.

Here are some links and information on the necessity of ER/doctor's visits. I just did a quick Google search because she had me questioning my rationale. Appears I may be sane after all. 

http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/aches/emergency_room.html#

http://www.parents.com/baby/injuries/first-aid/bringing-children-to-the-hospital/

Threatening your own young

How pathetic is it that a grown woman feels the need to bribe her own daughter.

Here is the situation:  Jessie says to Max and I yesterday that she is going to have a birthday party at the hockey game, in the box. She than goes on to say "but don't tell my mom I told you. She said if I tell Dad, Nic or Caden, my birthday party will be cancelled".

The look on her face was startling, like this distressed look that she shouldn't have said anything, she may now face the consequences.  I held her face in my hands and looked her in the eye and promised her that I would not tell her mom that we know.

Next day, Max's mom comes by in the morning. Jessie blurts out "Grandma, you are invited to my birthday party but don't tell my mom, or she will cancel my birthday". Max’s mom looks at me with this bewilderment but you knew she knew this had something to do with the Dragon’s pathetic games.

The next day a friend text me to tell me something Jessie said at the girls play date. She said Jessie was talking about the birthday her mom is going to have for her at a hockey game, and that she would like Kayla (my friend’s daughter) to come, but” please don't tell my mom I told you because she said she would cancel my party if I told anyone about it.”

My friend asked me what this was all about.  I explained what seemed to have transpired. My friend was disgusted as were we when we first heard how Jessie was being coerced by her Mother. Her message back to me was how sorry she is that Max and I have to deal with this.  I said to her that someone has to be the new wife, and I am strong enough to be her!

But more importantly, what weight a little girl has to bear on her shoulders. Again Dragon I will grant you another vote for Mother of the year. You are a sure win.

So what do you do? Well sure don't call the Dragon out on it because you know for a fact she will deny and then have Jessie in trouble. So you just do your best to be the best parent and step-parent to her. Comfort her, reassure her, love her, respect her - as it is apparent that all of these things are lacking in her Mother's home.

Never a dull moment

Once again the Dragon strikes. Does anything nice come out of her mouth? Is there an ounce of positiveness?

Max drops off Jessie...says " I will likely call your mom to arrange to to get Jessie earlier tomorrow morning" (Dragon at work, Jessie at surrogate mom's, Max coming off nights).

Instead of a response like "That sounds great, Jessie would love that time with her dad, yeah just give my mom a call/heads up"...

The response is:

"I wouldn't bother calling my mom, she hates you, she won't answer the phone".

Well aren't you peachy :)

In has been almost 3 years since my ex husband and I physically separated and we have had only one minor argument. ONE! And it was a misunderstanding that was resolved in the first 5 minutes we chit chatted about it.

In the past week, Max has faced 3 separate pucnhes of negativity from the Dragon.
- a complete refusal for her to consider him as a provider to Jessie for an overnight when he was available and she was not (and may I mention she was already in his care and could have simply stayed overnight, instead of being shipped from dads to moms to grandmas)
- and two smacks in the face crappy comments in front of Jessie, on two consecutive nights

A snap shot of 6 days highlights 3 issues.

Can you imagine what he has had to endure for the past couple years post separation????

Gosh, and the 7-ish years of hell he spent with her before she graciously had an affair.

You do the math....