Secrets to Dealing with a Dragon

I met with a friend. She herself struggles with a deranged ex.  And like me, her new partner is struggling with the derangement, becoming aggravated by her constant need for drama. She asked me how I handle the Dragon. I responded "it has been 2 years and I am just now coming to grips with it all". 

You have to experience something to know how to effectively handle it. Life is a learning process. Live and learn. I encouraged her that her partner will too find her own coping strategies. Patience is key, she will find her way. 

But it did make me think. How have I come to handle things? Why am I feeling so much less stressed and annoyed by the Dragon's tactics than I did 2.5 years ago when I was graciously blessed with her presence in my life?  What are my coping strategies?  

Here are some of the ways I have learned to cope. 

                                                                            

In your relationship 

Boundaries 

I have become very protective of my spouse when it comes to her. She has abused him for so long, mistreated him and disrespected him that I assume she will in each and every encounter. And I feel the need to be there in one way or another to pick up the pieces. 

Example: Phone calls - Leave the room; better yet, leave the house! 

When she calls, I feel the need to be in the room to witness her rage on him and be there as his backup. But, that leads to my reaction; suggesting in the background that he hang up, with her than yelling at him to put HER on the phone, leading her into yet another rage.  I have decided it is best that I not be in the room when she calls or he calls her.

I haven't quite mastered hat yet - I have transitioned to lurking in the hall behind the door with my hand covered over my mouth itching to grab the phone from Max and throwing it across the room as I hear her spew her fumes at him! But in time I hope to be able to remove myself completely - and feel comfortable about it. Max is a big boy. He can handle himself. He too is learning strategies to deal with her and when enough is enough, hang up. Plus, will being in the room change the outcome of the call? Likely not. Anything he says is not heard anyway so me writing down furiously suggestions of what to say on a piece of paper isn't going to go anywhere anyway - waste of my energy. And being in the room just infuriates me. Leading to a reaction whereby she wins (discussed later). So no good comes from acting as Max's backup when he is on the phone with her. So leave the room. Curl up in bed and watch some TV or read. Or go for a walk. Just get away. 

Than there comes the second step to my need to protect. "What she say, she didn't yell at you did she?"  The beginning of my worry afterwards about what she said or did and how he handled it and how he is feeling. Than this usually leads me to saying "well, you could have said this I suppose".  Max than responds "I never thought of that." Than leading me back into the cycle of wanting to be there in the room to write down suggestions on a piece of paper for him when he is on the phone with her. Reminder to self, narcissists DO NOT LISTEN. They don't care what you have to say. They only hear themselves. So don't waste your energy thinking you can help in some way. Remove yourself completely. Save your energy. And avoid any reaction whereby she wins. 

Don't ask

As I mentioned, my instinct when he gets off the phone is to ask how it went. But most often, Max has no interest in wasting any more of his energy in talking about her.  In fact, he would rather erase any memory of her overall. 

Leading me to my conclusion of setting up boundary number two: don't ask, let him offer information as needed if he so chooses. 

Case in point: when Max returns from picking up Jessie from the Dragon Den, I instinctively ask out of my need to protect "how did pick up (or drop off) go? Did she yell at you for one reason or another?" Why ask? What good comes out of dwelling up any negative? So, don't ask. It isn't that I don't care, because I absolutely do. It is that I am leaving it to him to volunteer to provide the information if he feels he needs to. If he needs to vent, let him.  Be there as his support. Otherwise, assume all was good and he is okay, whether something transpired or not. Why rehash the incident if he feels no need to. Less emotional drainage for both of us.

In direct dealing with the Dragon ex 

Avoid reacting 

When I react, she wins, she is in control.  She wants the reaction. She thrives on the reaction - that is how she refuels her fumes after spewing out flames from her vulgar Dragon mouth. Reacting drives her to another raging incident to another to another.  Only respond if a response is needed. And keep it short and factual. Give them nothing. No emotion. No words. Nothing. 

This has been a process of learning for me. I have so many regrets of reacting over the past 2 plus years. Instinctively you want to defend yourself and give them a piece of your mind - "you deranged psychotic narcissistic freak...!"  But, as mentioned time and again, narcissists do not listen; they do not care about anyone but themselves - so any words of 'advice" is not heard or understood. And by reacting, she feels and sees my emotion and thrives on it - like a vampire sucking blood from a human. So give her no blood. Let her die a lonely miserable death - I will not give her any of my life. 

You can't change them 

Just last week Jessie arrived for her overnight and she instantly said "my mom said that I am supposed to have a bath." I was so annoyed. Not with Jessie. Poor little girl was just relaying the information her Mother told her to pass on. I was annoyed with her Mother. Why put that burden of responsibility on Jessie. She is a 5 year old girl who needs to worry about whether she will wear pink or purple that day. And furthermore, thank you very much Dragon, but pretty sure we know how to parent and when to bathe our children. I pulled Max aside and suggested he needs to tell the Dragon to mind her own business. He looks at me and says "we will be dealing with this crap forever and you know she doesn’t care or listen".  

In essence, we can't change her. So just ignore her. Responding to her demands is reacting and reacting is giving her what she wants. And, ultimately she is who she is – a controlling, narcissistic and deranged individual. See each and every comment and action as part of her derangement. Feel bad for her. Can you imagine having to feel the need to be so controlling every day of your life? Exhausting.  Laugh it off. See the humor in it. “Yes Dragon Dear, Miss Mother of the Year, we will bathe your child, and make our best attempt to parent. I suppose someone needs to parent in this shared parenting arrangement". 

You can't reason with the unreasonable. So stop thinking you can! 

She has a personality disorder. She needs help. You can't force her to get help. And if she fails to seek help, well that is her issue. Than live a life of misery. We will just sit back and feel bad for you that you really can't help yourself and savor our life of happiness. 

Limit contact 

Less contact you have, less chance for being put in a position to be the subject of a rage and having to exhibit will power and strength to not react to her idiocy. 

Case in point: Max is not home. New rule: I refuse to answer the phone. Let it go to voice mail. And since she notoriously calls back up to 20 times after, take the phone off the hook. When she later rages at Max that he is so immature for not answering the phone, he can put in his imaginary ear plugs and make his best attempts to ignore her ridiculous rant. 

Recently the Dragon made a request that I not be allowed to be at an extra-curricular activities for Jessie for one year. She apparently finds my signs of affection towards her daughter "annoying". Instead of seeing these acts of affection as healthy for her daughter and feel blessed that she has such love and support in her daughter’s life, she focuses on the negative and sees things simply from her selfish immature Dragon point of view. 

Well, while I see this request as simply disgustingly selfish and immature, I need to thank you Dragon Dear as you are doing me a favor. First off, I have two children of my own and another on the way. I don't have a lot of extra time to attend your daughters extra-curricular. Second, by not being in attendance, I don't have to see your ugly face. You are mean and vindictive. Yet you put on your public persona face and pretend to be someone you are not. Having to witness that is disgusting. I would rather not have to.  

I could ignore your request as I am entitled to go where I so choose in public. But I know you, and you will subject Jessie in some fashion to your anger with that, and I would rather not allow Jessie to be hurt any longer by you. So, instead of cheering on Jessie from the sideline as I have for the past 2 years, I will continue to give her the support and encouragement she needs in my own home. And let it be known, when she asks why I am not there or coming - as she will, I will ensure she knows that her Mother requested that I not. This is just another example of your Mother of the Year qualities. 

Drop offs or pick-ups. I avoid them like the plague. Only if I am needed will I pull my vehicle into the Dragon Den driveway. And if I do, I remain beside the car and watch Jessie walk up like a "big girl" to the Den.  As previous experience tells me you will ignite into a rage. And that is not healthy for Jessie. I do what I need to do to protect Jessie unlike you.  

In dealing in life in general with the narcissistic ex 

Who cares what people think 

When the Dragon began her rampage of calling me a "Ho" and taking it upon herself to spread around town and her place of work that I was pregnant, it bothered me. I also would worry about what kind of lies she is telling people about Max and I, when the reality is, she is the deranged one who would willingly sacrifice her own child to get what she wants. 

Worry, worry, worry. For one, when I worry, she wins. She gets what she wants - my reaction. And then I am no longer in control. 

Second, who cares what people think. If they are friends with that deranged pathetic example of a human being, than I question their sanity. And if they believe anything she says, why care. They are not worthy of my concern.  Those that know and love you know the truth. Those that know and love you know what kind of person you truly are. And that is all that matters.  The rest of you - well enjoy your life of manipulation and deceit in the Dragon world. You are in for a treat. You hopefully will see the light and see through her lies before you become her next subject. 

Indulge in the karma 

As I outlined in a previous chapter 'Karma is a beautiful thing", I unknowingly failed to see that the Dragon IS getting her Karma and in fact, I am driving the Karma train.  She resents me. She is jealous of what I have. She regrets giving up her life with Max and hates me for it. She also despises the fact that Jessie loves me and is annoyed seeing me showing affection towards her daughter.  And she hates Max for it all too. That he has moved on and is happy. And I am the reason why. 

I love it! I love that she hates me. I love that she resents me. I love that I annoy her. I love that she is miserable and I am not. 

Why was I not indulging in that all along? How did I fail to see this beautiful Karma?  Indulging in seeing her struggle with her miserableness as a result of Max and my happiness: priceless.  You act like a Dragon. Well, now I know why. Choo Choo.  Do you hear that Karma Train? Makes it way easier to deal with her idiocy when you can sit back comfortably knowing she is drowning in her Karma, and her actions and words are her lashing out as a result, AND that you helped create that Karma. 

Well that is my summary for now. I am sure more ideas will come to me and I will add as I think of them. I also am sure I will learn new skills and coping strategies as I go along. Life is a learning process. Each and every experience gives you new insight. Embrace each trial and tribulation as a step in growing to be a better and stronger person. 

 I invite any readers who themselves deal with a narcissistic ex OR who are the new spouse and have to deal with your spouse's narcissistic ex (like myself) to share your coping strategies. We learn from not only experience but from each other.  Together we can create a file of Secrets to Dealing with a Dragon!!