Persuasive Blamers

Persuasive Blamers: (Blamers): Those with life-long personalities of blaming others for all problems, including their own. They most commonly have personality traits associated with the Cluster B Personality Disorders found in the DSM-IV: Borderline, Narcissist, Histrionic, and Antisocial Personality Disorders. They are preoccupied with blaming others and cannot look at their own contribution to their problems. In court, they are often able to persuade others who do not know them—including attorneys, therapists, evaluators and judges—that they are victims of those they blame, even though the opposite may be true. Given the limits on evidence and lack of knowledge of personality disorders, courts often believe them at the beginning of – and sometimes throughout – a court case. Blamers are a subgroup of people with BPD or NPD. Source: http://www.highconflictinstitute.com

Max and I are blamed for EVERYTHING by our lovely friend the Dragon.  Let me outline some examples:

v  She calls the house and screams at Max and won't let him get in a word and finally he ends up hanging up - and he is blamed for not being communicative. 

v  She calls the house and repeatedly bullies him over the phone, screaming at him and dominating the conversation and I end up barking at her in the background and suggesting he hang up - and I am blamed for not minding my own business. 

v  She calls the house and I answer and she immediately yells..."why can't you f*% let Max answer the f'*% phone you b*%".  And somehow I am blamed for being abusive and abrupt when I suggest she give me some respect when she calls my home.

v  Jessie gets pink eye and somehow we are to blame (despite her coming to our home with it) 

v  Jessie goes to the doctors before coming to our home, she is told all she has is a sore throat, she makes no complaints all weekend, goes back to her mom's and over 24 hours later she takes her to the doctor and she is diagnosed with Scarlet Fever - and somehow we are to blame.

v  She harasses me for months and I warn her several times to leave me alone and she persists, and I finally call the police - and somehow I am to blame that she could have been charged and lose her driver’s license 

v  She treats Max, me, our children, and Max and my family with disrespect for years, and she suggests she can’t understand why everyone hates her - we are to blame?

v  I ask her why she hates me so much and she says "because you are not what I expected Max to end up with - you are not blond and young." - I am to blame?? 

v  She over and over causes some ruckus and Max reports it to his lawyer - and her response "stop telling on me, I get in trouble" - Max is to blame for your punishment? 

The list could go on and on and on. No ownership. No accountability. Always the victim. Never at fault. Always blaming.  Pathetic. 

Take a long hard look in the mirror Dragon. You are to blame. 

Avoiding reactions, staying in control

Yesterday I had a friend text me to tell me something my step-daughter said at a play date on the weekend. She said that she was talking about the birthday her mom is going to have for her at a hockey game, and that she would like Kayla (my friends daughter) to come. She than quickly followed this up with...please don't tell my mom I told you because she said she would cancel my party if I told anyone about it.

My friend asked me what this was all about. I told her "her mom is a f'up." A complete idiot who does not care what so ever about how she is abusing her own child.

What I so wanted to do this past weekend (when Jessie looked at me with this look of fear when she realized she had told me about her birthday party and she was strongly advised by her mother not to or else) is call that loser up on the phone and tell her exactly how I felt..."you are an abusive immature selfish mother".

But the best advice I learned in counselling is to NOT react, that is what she is looking for, and by reacting, SHE is in control. By ignoring her, I remain in control. Easier said than done but definitely advice to live by, especially when dealing with a narcissistic person like the Dragon.

After I responded to my friend and explained what must have been said in the Dragon Den to lead Jessie to this, she messaged back how sorry she is that I have to deal with this.

I said to her that someone has to be the new wife, and I am strong enough to be her.

But, deep down, I am frustrated with it all. I think my biggest frustration is that she will not change, she will not go away, that the only way to get rid of this source of stress in my life is to walk away from the "relationship" (as they in all the books I have read suggest as an option).  But walking would mean me walking away from the husband I love. And that isn't going to happen.

So, that leaves me to change. That leaves me needing to work on not taking anything she says or does personally. It leaves me being the bigger person and cleaning up the mess she has left after she has tormented her daughter or my husband in one way or another.

And it is me needing to work on my reactions...with the ultimate goal being no reaction at all.

I'm getting there. I am setting up boundaries to help me with that.

For example, I have asked Max to leave the room when he is on the phone with her. Why, well 9 out of 10 times he is on the phone with her, she is ranting and raging at him for one reason or another or denying him access and giving him one excuse or another...and I am in the background listening to her rage through the phone and watching him desperately try to get a word in edge wise. Than I react out of anger and frustration, piping up and giving her a piece of my mind. Funny how she is quick to hear my voice and yell "tell that bitch to shut up" or "Max grow some balls and tell her to shut her mouth", but she can't seem to hear Max talk.

Regardless, when I react she wins and she is in control.

So, for me to remain in control, I need to not react, and to not react, I need boundaries. 

We have also both blocked her from sending text messages to our phones. This is a boundary that has relieved a ton of stress.

One day at a time, one issue after another, one reaction that I have executed when I shouldn't have but to learn from. She will not change, so I will. And that leaves me stronger and better for it.

Threatening your own young

How pathetic is it that a grown woman feels the need to bribe her own daughter.

Here is the situation:  Jessie says to Max and I yesterday that she is going to have a birthday party at the hockey game, in the box. She than goes on to say "but don't tell my mom I told you. She said if I tell Dad, Nic or Caden, my birthday party will be cancelled".

The look on her face was startling, like this distressed look that she shouldn't have said anything, she may now face the consequences.  I held her face in my hands and looked her in the eye and promised her that I would not tell her mom that we know.

Next day, Max's mom comes by in the morning. Jessie blurts out "Grandma, you are invited to my birthday party but don't tell my mom, or she will cancel my birthday". Max’s mom looks at me with this bewilderment but you knew she knew this had something to do with the Dragon’s pathetic games.

The next day a friend text me to tell me something Jessie said at the girls play date. She said Jessie was talking about the birthday her mom is going to have for her at a hockey game, and that she would like Kayla (my friend’s daughter) to come, but” please don't tell my mom I told you because she said she would cancel my party if I told anyone about it.”

My friend asked me what this was all about.  I explained what seemed to have transpired. My friend was disgusted as were we when we first heard how Jessie was being coerced by her Mother. Her message back to me was how sorry she is that Max and I have to deal with this.  I said to her that someone has to be the new wife, and I am strong enough to be her!

But more importantly, what weight a little girl has to bear on her shoulders. Again Dragon I will grant you another vote for Mother of the year. You are a sure win.

So what do you do? Well sure don't call the Dragon out on it because you know for a fact she will deny and then have Jessie in trouble. So you just do your best to be the best parent and step-parent to her. Comfort her, reassure her, love her, respect her - as it is apparent that all of these things are lacking in her Mother's home.

Always a Come Back

Max and I find out from a mutual friend that the rumor that Carmen had broken up with her woman partner is true, and she is apparently dating a man. And to top it off his name is Max.

Max drops off Jessie at the Dragon Den after his visit. Jessie goes inside and Carmen stays on the porch, smoking her cigarette, as she hands Max another box of Girl Guide cookies. He used this moment to poke at the big bear about her new relationship.  He says "so this new friend of yours, would it be okay for me to send him some harassing text messages as you did my partner?"  

An immediate come back from the Dragon. It is truly astounding how quick her head fathoms up outrageous fabrications. She should be a politician.

"If he gets involved like she did than you have every right to".

By that I am guessing you mean my supposed control you feel I have over Max and his legal decisions regarding access to Jessie. Yes you have made that clear that you believe I am the cornerstone of every decision Max has made. Apparently you think because you controlled him your whole marriage that there is no way that Max actually may have his own voice. It must be that new girl. No way would he not obey my every command. She must be telling him otherwise.

So let’s examine this little closer Dragon. What you are suggesting is that you had every right to harass me from day one because I deserved it and that you feel justified to have done so as she "got involved". Let’s examine the history here:

Facts:

• I did not know you before I met Max. I have had no encounters with you in my life.
• The very first text message I received from you my Dragon friend on my cell phone came 1 week after Max and I met. Another 3 came within that week. All these messages I ignored. The messages from you continued for 8 months before I contacted my cell phone provider to have you blocked. 
• The very first friend request on Facebook I got from you came just before this first text message. I deleted it. 
• The Facebook wall posts you so eagerly posted on your wall about me came in the days after I ignored your attempts at intimidation. 
• The Facebook message and friend request that you was sent to my ex-husband was sent soon after. Again, ignored by both me and my ex-husband. However, he did question your sanity.
• The phone calls to my house came in the first couple weeks. You hung up each time. Were you hoping to hear my voice?

So in essence, I managed to maintain my poise in the face of all your harassment and ignored your attempts at intimidation. So I am gathering you are not referring to any of the above when you are suggesting I “got involved”?

Max didn't contact a lawyer more than 6 months after him and I met. Now, then let's speculate as you have my Dragon friend that I did strong arm Max into calling a lawyer at this point, controlling him into obeying my every command as you did throughout your relationship. Now, are you able to explain to me than how you justify the harassment in the first few weeks?

Are you following me?

Then let’s look at this "I got involved" a little closer. Why would it be of any interest to me how often Max was able to see Jessie? Would it not be of more interest to me for him to NOT have Jessie much given we were in the infancy of our relationship? Wouldn't I want him all to myself? Not to mention I have my own young boy. Would it not be of more interest to me to have Max less distracted by Jessie so he can devout more time to Caden?

Again, are you following me?

Now let’s go back to the conversation between Max and Dragon on the door step. Max than goes on to say..."it is okay than for me to call this new guy a ‘ho’ from the start?" 

Of course, she had another immediate comeback. "I didn't call her ho from the get go...that name only came after she broke up with you than got herself pregnant".

Lets' take another close examination at this alleged start of the name calling Dragon. First of all, Max broke up with me (see Ho, Ho, Ho I am back). Second of all, thank you once again for deeming me such a miracle worker in being able to precisely predict my ovulation schedule and trap Max (see Me the Miracle Worker) Maybe in your world Dragon people "trap" man, but in mine, these things do not enter one’s mind.

Max replies "no, it started right from the beginning". Her once again quick comeback..."Well she was only living here for 2 years and she slept with 10 guys in this town. It was the community that called her ho." 

10 guys! She keeps upping her number each time she rants to anyone who will listen about my relationship history. Next time the story is told I will be the town prostitute in her sick world.  And I have a hard time understanding what relevance my relationship history is to you Dragon.

I am not sure you are in any position to criticize.  Let’s recall your relationship history. You met another woman. You began a marital affair that continued for a year. This woman you brought into your marital home unbeknownst to Max that you were in a relationship with her. You announced your affair and that the marriage is done to Max on Christmas Eve of all nights. You continue your relationship with this woman, bringing her into your marital home with Max present despite his pleas otherwise. You go to such an extent as to have her sleepover in your bed, stating "this is my home too". Wow, the empathy you exhibit is profound.

The mistakes I have made in my adult life have hurt me and only me, so I am not sure why they are of any significance to you.  Your behavior however has left a path of destruction that has left you unharmed and everyone around you wounded. I can hold my head of high despite the mistakes I have made as I know that one, I've hurt only me in the process and two, I can admit when I am wrong and not have an excuse for every mistake I have made.   And I try my best to amend any mistakes I have made. 

Can you Dragon admit wrong and make amends?

I am sure you will have a comeback or some lame excuse. You always do.

That is what separates decent humans from Dragons. 

Exploitation and Manipulation

One day Max and I were out for a bike ride. We live in a small town, so any path you take tends to venture past the Dragon Den. As we passed by the Den, Max says to me "must be laundry night". I asked him what he meant. He said that Carmen's sister's car at the Den and "she must be doing Carmen's laundry". Pardon?

He went on to say that years ago Carmen blackmailed her sister into doing her laundry, saying "I won't tell mom and Dad that you smoke, if you do my laundry". 

I almost fell off my bike. Are you kidding me?  He explained that Carmen's sister is the "prize child" and that she wouldn't ever want her parents to know that she smokes so would do anything in her power to keep that information from them. And with the Dragon knowing this, she has exploited and manipulated her sister for years.

"She used to come over to our house, do the laundry and smoke cigarette after cigarette.  Carmen would sit back on the couch and watch her TV shows while her sister slaved." He told me about one day when Carmen called her sister up and said she had laundry for her to do. Her sister said she was busy and couldn't come by. He went on to say that Carmen insisted she needed it done today and "come do it or I will tell mom and Dad you smoke".  Her sister came running over.   

Narcissists feel they are entitled and that they deserve special treatment and they will do whatever they feel they need to do to get it - even if that means exploiting their own blood. Carmen always resented her sister for being the "special sister" so she didn't hesitate to exploit her to get the special treatment she felt she deserved. 

Max himself experienced years of control and manipulation. This didn't stop after they separated. Max initiated legal proceedings as he was getting nowhere in negotiating with Carmen in gaining meaningful access to Jessie.  Carmen always resented Max for this as this was not her decision and he had done something without her knowledge that took some power away from her. 

About 2 months after legal proceedings were initiated Carmen told Max that she was going to "take you for everything" since "you did this". She said she would go for high amounts of spousal support and limit his access even more. She angrily tells him "you will lose everything Max". 

Max was frightened. He had heard stories of cruel vindictive woman taking their ex's for tons of money. He could foresee Carmen being this cruel and he would end up losing his house, have little money to survive, and lose his daughter, the one thing that meant the most to him. 

Max pleaded with Carmen to negotiate an agreement and to consider going to see a mediator. Carmen could sense Max's anxiety, and in her Dragoness way, decided to play on this and manipulated him into giving her a load of money. She agreed to go to mediation if and only if he paid half of her retainer fee for her lawyer: $2825.00. Max reluctantly did this and he to this day regrets having done so. She exploited him by playing on his emotions and vulnerability. But she felt entitled. She felt that he should never have gone to the lawyers so he was going to pay. She could not even remotely recognize why he went the legal route as she feels she does no wrong. She exploited him by kicking him when he was down and manipulated him into paying out this sum of money.  

The Dragon fuels herself off of others raw emotions. About 8 months after Max and I started dating, she decided to go to him to ask for him back. She apparently said to him she would be a "better wife".  When I had my very memorable meeting with the Dragon (see The Meeting) she tells me that she wasn't serious when she asked for him back. Apparently she "just wanted to see what he would say”.  She felt she was entitled to ask that question and see what reaction she would get.  She never once stopped to think what impact that may have. 

When you are dealing with a narcissist you are dealing with a person that lacks any empathy and no consideration for anyone's feelings but their own. They feel entitled to special treatment and they will do anything and everything in their power to get that - even if it means exploiting their own family members or playing on a person's vulnerability and raw emotions. 

And they will feel no remorse for doing so.

The Public vs Private Persona

Go ahead and act like Mom-of-the-Year on Facebook, but don’t forget some of us know you in real life. Some e-cards

It’s not about how good of a Mother you really are, just how good of a Mother you appear to be on facebook. Some e-cards

Look at me, look how amazing I am and all I do for my community. Admire me please. But the truth of the matter is, behind closed doors she is a controlling, manipulative, mean and intimidating person who lacks empathy and respect for moral codes. She makes everything into an issue. She knows no other way than to argue or to be difficult or negative. It is her way or no way. She is often immature and exhibits bullying behaviour. 

She will bite her tongue in public in order to uphold her image but as soon as she is back behind closed doors, the venom/fire is released. 

Case in point: At Jessie's soccer game Carmen put on a happy face in front of Max despite her dismay that he did not instruct forcefully his 4 year old daughter back onto the field as opposed to "visiting" with him on the sidelines for a mere 5 minutes.  As far as I can see, Jessie isn't headed for playing with FIFA anytime soon so let her be a 4-year old. But as soon as Max enters the home the phone rings. It is Carmen, in a narcissistic RAGE.  Max gets a mouth full from Carmen about how he should have done everything plausible to get Jessie back to the bench with her team: "A for effort Max, A for effort".  She would have never have thought of carrying on her wrath in a public place in front of all the soccer moms and Dads. No, because a narcissist cannot be unfriendly in public when their image is at stake. However, when behind closed doors image damage control is not an issue and so bring on the rage.  

I wonder if her public persona would be proud to hear the recording I have of her ranting to me on the telephone about how much of a whore I am and how I trapped a "rich man" by getting pregnant. Or the offensive and intimidating saved text messages. Or that she told Max's Mother that Max was willing to have a threesome with Beth and her to "save their marriage". Classy.  Or the fact that she uses her daughter and her time with her Dad to punish Max when she is angry.  Or that the judge in court reviewed all the paperwork submitted over 2 years and very clearly identified her as the source of conflict and that she unnecessarily subjects innocent Jessie to adult issues. That is an image to be proud of. 

However I have always been perplexed that she has no regard for her image when she is publicly humiliating me by walking around her place of work referring to me as "Ho". Despite being a contradiction to her need for admiration, her exploitation efforts can often emerge. Public humiliation or belittling others in her mind makes her appear to be the better person. Remaining one-up is key to the narcissist mindset. 

But despite her efforts to uphold her image, I do believe the truth is known in some circles. Interesting enough a friend of mine told me one day about a story that made me chuckle. She was at a get-together and so-called "friends" of Carmen's were overheard saying..."I wouldn't get on Carmen's bad side, she would be the type of person that would boil a rabbit on your stove top if you made her mad" (aka. Fatal Attraction!)

It used to really bother me to watch her prance around the field volunteer coaching, with a fake half-smile on her face when only hours ago she was meeting with her lawyer scheming up paperwork to motion the court that Max pay over $4000 in support per month on an income that doesn't remotely support it.

Or when I would see her chit chatting with other Mothers waiting to get their children from school when the day previous she was dancing in Jessie's skirt we bought and dressed her in, mocking it and consequently demeaning her own daughter. Do you think the other Mothers would commend you on this parenting effort?

But in the end I remind myself that it isn't my job to convince others that she is an evil person, and that they should be weary of associating with her as you may be her next victim. As the serenity prayer goes, "accept the things I cannot change and have the courage to change the things I can". I know what does matter is the truth is known by those that love and know me and those that know her more private persona.

So I have decided that I cannot waste any more energy concerned about what others do not know or I feel need to know about the truth.  They either know it or choose to ignore it out of fear of her or if they don't know it they will soon enough. 

Truth always prevails. 

 

      

The Bully

The classic bully is a prime example of the narcissist. The bully is a person who fulfills their own needs primarily by charm or intimidation. To the outer world this person may appear incredibly assertive, confident, charismatic, powerful and self-assured. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Narcissism is a condition of insecurity. Narcissists feel desperately unloved and unacceptable. An individual with NPD intrinsically believes they are worthless and fears other individuals will discover the truth: that they feel powerless.

Thus the narcissist invests a great deal of energy into ‘gaining the upper hand’, to hide feeling vulnerable, insecure and broken. When they are getting what they want, the charm is flowing and plentiful. When the charm doesn't work the intimidation begins.

Narcissists have a lack of empathy regarding how their insecure, aggressive and damaging behaviour affects the world around them.

Source: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

When I talk to Caden about bullying behaviour I explain that bullies are deep down sad and unhappy with themselves and their bullying is their attempt to feel powerful and important.  I talk to him about walking away, ignoring them. And if the behaviour continues, talk to a teacher or adult.  Seems easy enough right?

Wish it was that easy to "practice what I preach". When it comes to the Dragon bullying Max or I, or witnessing her bully her own daughter Jessie with her sacrificial lamb efforts, I try to remember that she really can't help herself - she is miserable and this is her way of "gaining the upper hand" and attempting to make herself feel better. In essence, we are her punching bag. We can't take it personally. We just need to be the better person by not reacting back. 

But honestly, it would be much easier on everyone if she would just go get some psychotherapy!! 

Jekyll and Hyde

One day she is telling Max she hates him and wants to never hear from again - "don't text me, don't call me...have a good life" she says as he walks to the car after dropping Jessie off. 

Than a day later she is sending a text picture of Jessie to Max. 

The list of Jekyll and Hyde moments are so numerous I wouldn't even know where to begin. 

Walking on egg shells is the only way to travel around Dragon. You never know what you are going to get. And I have stopped being surprised by any reaction - because any and all reactions is what you are going to get. Just embrace yourself for the worst and be somewhat pleased if it’s even remotely not the worst. 

I feel for Jessie though. If she acts this way with Max, how is she acting and responding behind closed doors with Jessie? I am certain Jessie has been subject to her Mother's Jekyll and Hyde like behaviour. As adults, we have better coping skills to attempt to understand and respond to such extreme behaviours. Jessie is 4 years old. How is she to cope? 

There is medication Dragon for your irrational extreme mood swings. Please consider it.