Mother-of-the-Year

So my Dragon friend posts on Facebook a picture of her and her daughter swinging. Under it one of her "friends" says - "you are a great momma" and under this Dragon LIKED IT. I wanted to puke. Got to love the public persona of a Narcissist!

Wonder if this "friend" of yours would think you are Mother of the year when she hears you shoved your daughter in the house and told her to be quiet and stop crying when her Dad comes to get her on Halloween as promised and her Dragon Mother refuses for her to go.  Or, the fact that when you want to you will deny the Father to see his daughter - because you are mad and you can.

Or the point that you call her father an Ass and yell ferociously at him in front of your daughter while she bows her head in the car pretending to sleep.

Or that you have refused for your daughters maternal Grandmother and me, her "step Mother" to pick her up from either school or your home if her Dad is unavailable and assigns one of us to, but that it is ok for you to assign anyone you want to do so. And more importantly, that you make these denials right in front of your daughter - her in the front window with her coat and boots on saying she is ready to go, and you shoving her back inside saying she isn’t going anywhere.

Or the fact that you call me, the 'step mom', mean to your daughters face and tell her not to talk about me because she isn’t nice.

Or that you mock the clothes we send her home in front of your daughter - going to such lengths as taking a skirt off and dancing around in it.

Or that you set up every obstacle you can to requests for summer vacation or even time on Father's Day. 

I wonder if your “friend” would be interested to know that a judge managing your case could see right through your behaviour and named you in court  the "trouble maker" and advised you to start playing nice. Unlike most people who would be embarrassed by this label and initiate suitable behaviour, matters only intensified.

Or that the same judge named the Father as primary babysitter, to be used when you are unavailable, as he clearly could see that you were not being fair in this regard – but not once in 5 months have you attempted to do so - despite the countless selfish pursuits you have leaving you unavailable. In fact, your daughter spends more time with her surrogate mom "aka Grandma" than she does her own Father.  In fact again, your own daughter has said to you “you never let me see my Dad”.

Or, the fact that you are never home as you are out doing something for yourself, leaving your daughter to be "Mothered" by other family members. Or the fact that you meet a new man and decide to have a sleepover at his house and tell your five year old daughter that you are, so off you go to Grandmas.

Or that you tell your daughter that she is not to call her “step brother” brother despite being so proud to do so.

Or that you involve your daughter in adult conflict by telling her that her father is to blame for this and that.

Or that you never pass on messages to your daughter that her Father called. 

Or the fact that you smoked your whole pregnancy and now your daughter suffers countless ear and throat infections. And despite this, you continue to smoke, blowing it out the side door despite common knowledge that "third hand smoke is as damaging as second".

I am sure I could outline more examples that highlight your Mother of the year traits, but will leave it at that.

I wonder if this girl would think you are a Great Momma now.

So you think you are a 10?

I was volunteering at the school. One of the girls I was volunteering with says to me “I am going to be gossipy…but does Carmen still rate people on a scale of 1 to 10?”

There is a lot of deranged things she has done and said, but haven’t heard this one.

“That’s new to me. What is this all about?”

She goes on to say that she was out at the local sports bar one night and Carmen was telling the group how she rates people, on a scale of one to ten and she turned to Max and said “you are a 3, I am a 10”.

I clarified…”this was recent, not when she was a teenager???”  Apparently in the past 5 years she recalls.

Are you serious? You are an adult and you are rating people on a scale?  And, you think you are a 10?  Wow, what are your standards??? 

Let's list your personal traits: 

v  You had an affair with a woman. And you flaunted that affair in front of your husband by inviting her into the marital home to sleep there despite his pleas otherwise. Than you blamed him for you having the affair.

v  You have on countless occasions denied your daughter to see her father. At times, even sending him or her paternal grandmother away at your front door right in front of your daughter, telling her to be quiet, stop crying and get in the house.

v  You ship your daughter off to her grandmothers to pursue your selfish personal pursuits day after day, avoiding at all costs the use of the father to care for his daughter when you are preoccupied in your own Dragon world.

v  You bully anyone who will not do what you say. People have said they will not cross you as you are so psychotic you would boil a rabbit on their stove top. People “like you” because they are scared of you o don't be mistaken that you are "liked" by your world of Facebook friends. 

v  You have bullied your own daughter – dancing in a skirt of hers that you found to be inappropriate, telling her to keep xyz a secret from Dad or else, keeping her from seeing her father, talking poorly to her about her loved ones on her father's side, list goes on.

v  You have screamed in front of your daughter at her Dad, calling him names; you have vocalized to her that her father is to blame for mistakes you have made.

v  You take no blame. It is everyone else’s fault.

v  You are incapable of apologizing.

v  You lack empathy.

v  You are crude and vulgar.  

Really I could go on, but rather reread each and every post than you tell me, are you a 10? If so, than I have lost faith in humanity if YOU are a 10!

Can you foster a healthy parent-child relationship in 4-hours?

Max and I have never been a fan of these 4-hour visits. For the past 2 years the Dragon has graciously allowed for one to two 4- hour visits weekly and up to 4 or 5 sleepovers a month.  Apparently this is a common temporary order that judges appoint to families until they can work out their differences and negotiate a more equitable arrangement. Two years later Max is still trying to negotiate that equitable arrangement.

Who in their right mind thinks that 4-hour weekly visits were an appropriate set up for children to see their one parent, most commonly the father, after divorce? I can understand in situations whereby the one parent perhaps isn’t equipped to have the child for more time (e.g. recovering drug addiction, recent previous history of neglect). But why assign the same “visiting” schedule to a loving, devoted, stable father?

Currently in our system when parents separate there is no presumption of shared parenting.  If parents do not agree on shared parenting, a parent has to spend years and hard-earned dollars in court only to be awarded what should have been arranged initially. In the meantime, one of the parents usually ends up with the short-end of the stick, receiving limited access involving every other weekend and a weekly 4-hour visit.

The system is failing from the beginning by not starting the process routinely with an assessment of parental capabilities and what would be in the best interest of the child. And clearly the research does not support these limited access schedules.

From The Art and Science of Child Custody Evaluations, by Jonathan W. Gould, David A. Martindale, psychologists who specialize in child custody evaluations: “There is absolutely no evidence that children's psychological adjustment or the relationships between children and their parents are harmed when children spend overnight periods with their other parent. In contrast, brief nightly visits remind children that the visiting parents exist but do not provide the broad array of parenting activities that anchor the relationships in their minds.”

“Evening and overnight periods provide opportunities for crucial social interactions and nurturing activities (such as bedtime rituals and the reassurance and security of snuggling in the morning after awakening), that short weekly visits cannot provide. These everyday activities promote and maintain trust and confidence in the parents while deepening and strengthening child-parent attachments.”

From the perspective of a partner of a father who is fighting for equal parenting, I can attest to the research. The child feels like a yo-yo, bouncing from home to home in a 4-hour time slot heightening their anxiety. The parent and child are deprived of quality time to develop a meaningful relationship, but rather allotted “hospital-like” visiting hours. Max feels more like the old grandmother in the hospital whom you can visit during visiting hours, but when the hours are done, time to go home. See you for the next visit.

Opportunities to be involved in important nurturing activities like bedtime rituals are denied.  Not to mention having two other children in our household and running all three from activity to activity, leaving less and less time to spend with Jessie in a four hour time slot. She deserves more quality time to form a bond and maintain relationships with not only with her Dad, but her siblings. How is that possible in 4-hours?

Just recently Jessie said to me when we were putting up the Christmas tree, “I wish my mommy and Daddy could get married again.” I asked why. She went on to say “so I don’t have to go back and forth to houses”. I went on to ask what it is specifically that she doesn’t like about going back and forth. Jessie says “because it is busy”. I asked what she meant by that and she added “I come here than I go back to my mom’s”. I asked if it would help if when she came here to Dad that she would stay over either for one night or up to three or more instead of just visiting for a couple hours. She excitedly said “yes”, than did her infamous panting like a dog impression.   I gave her a hug and told her that we loved her and that her Dad will do his best to make things better for her.

Max had a meet-n-greet with a mediator/social worker in hopes of securing him as a mediator for him and the Dragon (no buy in of course from her!). When the topic of visits came up in the session, the social worker said that all the research opposes it as they increase anxiety for children. He drew diagram showing the roller coaster ride of emotions kids face in a mere 4-hours.

Even Caden, a 6 year old boy, asked me the other day: how many sleeps does Jessie have at our house mom? I told him around 4. He then asked how many Jessie’s mom gets and I told him the rest of the days in the month, so around 25. He said very abruptly “mom, that isn’t fair”.

Why is it EVERYONE, including a four year old girl and a 6 year old boy, can see the problem with this arrangement?

Well we could argue that the Dragon generally has concern for her daughter and sees her best interest being that she be under one roof during the school week, despite an overwhelming amount of research suggesting otherwise. But, when Dragon pawns off Jessie to her surrogate Mom (aka Grandma) over and over during the school week for an overnight stay while Dragon-dearest tends to her own selfish needs, any attempt at me trying to understand her point of view is thrown out the window. We are back to your insecurity Dragon at the root of this breakdown in a father-child relationship.

Max goes to mediation finally in 10 days. I have named it D-Day on our calendar. Because this day will be very telling: either we will see settlement finally or to trial he goes. He is adamant against agreeing on “visits” and will fight for equal shared parenting as this is what is best for Jessie. I have a hard time being optimistic that this controlling insecure Dragon will at all budge on her visiting schedule, but there are miracles.

Fingers crossed for a miracle. Or at least that the Dragon takes some happy pills in the next 10 days leading up to mediation leaving her more rationale, sane and empathetic.

Insecurity at the root of evil

Public vs Private Persona - Funny

I can keep our daughter from you...because I can

Well the up-to-know good wicked witch went on a rampage through the month of October. Must have been the approaching of Halloween that her wickedness at its peak.

Things were going okay with the access schedule. Pathetic as it is, we were at least getting to see Jessie a couple times a week, if at least, a 3-hour visit. A few months previous Dragon wasn't in favour of the "bare schedule court order" anymore.  You may be wondering if perhaps she suddenly felt empathetic and wanted Jessie to see her Dad more than the pathetic court ordered schedule allowed for. But the reality is, with Max's new work schedule, there were many times Jessie would be with me alone until he did return from work. OMG!  Can you imagine? I am the monster step-Mother.  So the Dragon dictated a schedule to Max that allowed for him to see Jessie - similar amount of time to the pathetic court order - just scheduled differently so I had no involvement. A risky venture since it wouldn't be court ordered and he would be once again at her whim with no legal back up. 

While the daily Dragon drama continued, access remained untouched. Well than suddenly the denials of access began again - one of the many reasons that Max went to lawyers in the first place. 

The first came on a Monday when Max called and asked if he could pick Jessie up at her maternal grandmothers (aka surrogate moms) at 2p.m. as she was home from school that day, as opposed to picking her up a 315 from school as scheduled.

Response: "You are not getting her today." He reminds her that he is scheduled to.  Her response: "She isn't in school, and the only reason why I scheduled you to get her today is that I am unavailable to pick her up from school since I am at work, and since she is not at school I do not need you".  So in essence you are saying you feel it unnecessary for Jessie to see her Dad and will just take away his visit because you can. 

Second denial came a week later on a Tuesday. Max called to confirm Jessie was at school and that he would be picking Jessie up from school at 315 for his visit. "Nope. I am picking her up at 230p.m. for a doctor's appointment." Okay, when were you going to tell him that for one? If he had not called to confirm, he would have been waiting out front of the school for Jessie only to be told, she isn't here.  Second, I am pretty certain Max is capable of taking Jessie to the doctors. It is his time, so if she has an appointment, he should take her.  No offer from the Dragon to take her, no offer to have a make-up night. Just no to access. Again, because you can. And you will. And you love it. 

Turns out - there was no doctor's appointment. Max called the doctor's to find out more information about the health condition Jessie "reportedly" had and well, there is no appointment that day, and no upcoming appointments. Just a big fat lie. Dragon just didn't want Max to see her that day and thought she would fathom up another lie as per usual and deny access. Yes, you could say another Mother of the year moment. 

Well enough was enough. Max calls his lawyer and says I am no longer going to go by this schedule the Dragon has created as she is not following it. He requested to go back to the court order so that he could have some legal back up. They contacted her lawyer and notified them that the court order it is - at least for the next 3 weeks until mediation.

It’s Wednesday, Halloween day. I was asked by Max to go pick up Jessie from school. He had to work. It was verified by the lawyers that this has been communicated to their lawyer - that I will be picking up Jessie for Max's court ordered Wednesday evening visit. The order was amended earlier in the year to allow for me to pick up Jessie - after the Dragon put up such a fuss on more than one occasion, refusing me to do so.  

I pull up to the school with Blair. I get out of the car, and who is pulling up too but the Dragon and her puppet counterpart - the ex-girlfriend Beth. Despite being kicked to the curb when the Dragon, after two years of using her, claims she isn't gay anymore - Beth remains the Dragon's puppet. At least until some else comes around and can help pay the bills.

Immediately I called Max's lawyers office as I was uncertain about what to do now. They advised me to stay away from her and that they would follow up with her lawyer.  Well hell yeah, I am not going near that witch. She makes me shake in her presence.  

The three of us, and Blair, waited in the front foyer. The Dragon, in her sly and manipulative ways, went up to the secretary and asked if she could go get Jessie out of class. As the secretary walks by me, I quietly whisper to her - "I am not sure what to do, but I was sent here by Max to get Jessie".  I went and sat in the office, clear away from that intimidating fire breathing Dragon.  She kept a close eye on me though as she lurked around the corner. 

The secretary returned from Jessie's class and told the Dragon that they are just wrapping up. When the secretary came in the office, I told her no worries, that I am gathering there is nothing you can do as the school would not want to get involved in these access issues. She said I was right. I sat back with Blair in the office waiting for the bell to ring. 

My phone rings and it is Max. He got a call from his lawyer saying the Dragon had showed. He wanted to see if I was okay. We talked for a few minutes. I could feel the Dragon hovering over my shoulder at the doorway. I mentioned to Max that I had brought the court orders in case they questioned whether I was allowed to pick Jessie up. She heard me say this and uttered to me in her snotty tone..."good". Back off you immature manipulative witch. 

After more parents arrived I felt more comfortable leaving the office and going to the hallway so I could see Caden walk out of class and I could get him and take him home. I sat down and talked with a friend. 

Minutes later I am asked by a teacher if I could come with her. Surprised by this, I followed the teacher around the corner. She says that she wanted to ensure that there was no conflict between the Dragon and I so she wanted to know if I would be willing to wait around the corner until the Dragon retrieve Jessie. I said of course, than added, there isn't going to be any conflict on my part I assure you hence why I stayed clear of her in the office. 

She than asked what is the issue. I told her that I was uncertain as I was sent here to get Jessie by Max and this was verified by his lawyer that day that I was to do so according to the order. She asked me if I had any paperwork, and I handed it over. Off she went to speak with the principal. I am standing there muddled - what just happened, why suddenly are the teachers involved here? 

Minutes later the principal and this teacher return. I am told that the Dragon is the primary babysitter and so she will take her.  Yes I know that. But I still have to wait for my son. Oh, “didn't realize that you were waiting on your son” the teacher says. Why do you think I was waiting in the hall? 

It all made sense than. I am gathering that the Dragon in her fine manipulative and evil ways went and spoke with a teacher and said she was concerned that I was going to cause some fuss when Jessie came out of class.  Yes, because I would do that with my two sons with me and a crowd of teachers and parents. Yes, because I am some monster. 

So a non-issue became a monstrous issue as soon as the wicked Dragon put on her public persona hat and cried concern that I was going to steal Jessie away from the school from under her.  A persuasive blamer technique at its best. 

And if you thought that was sad enough the saddest part came later. The next day Jessie tells Max and I that "mommy said you tried to take me from school" Yes, I saw that coming.  Way to involve Jessie in adult issues Dragon. 

Let the fun continue. 

The Wicked Witch of the West

Introducing...

Yes, she is wicked. She is evil and ugly to the bone. She intimidates. She controls. She wants to see you fail. She soars over you, waiting to attack.  She is ugly as her core morale's are revolting.

With Halloween just past, thinking of the Dragon in a new light, as a wicked witch, comes to mind.

Max goes to Dragon Den to pick up Jessie at 6:30p.m. to take her out Trick or Treating with Caden and Blair, as agreed. Jessie is waiting at the front door with her Dragon Mother.  Jessie is so excited to see her Dad, in his big black Afro. Dragon forces her back into the house as she begins to yell out to Max "you are not getting her tonight".  Jessie starts to cry and can be heard saying “I want to go with my Dad.” Dragon, in true Mother of the Year fashion, says "get in the house and be quiet".  She continues her rant ignoring the tears of her daughter behind her.

Then she sees me sitting in the front seat of the car and yells out "Nice lid".  She likes my pink Afro. Wow, a compliment from the wicked witch (sarcasm if you can't hear it).

Max walks away maintaining his composure as always, back to the vehicle where Caden, Blair and I are waiting.

"Where is Jessie?" Caden asks.

"She isn't coming out with us tonight bud, I am sorry".

Tears from Caden. "Why?"

"Don't know bud".

I begin to mop up the tears. "Hey guys, no biggie. We can have a Halloween party another night. We can wear our costumes anytime."

We drive off. I look over. Max is crying.

You are wicked to the core Dragon.